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Old November 23rd, 2012, 09:23 AM
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
I know that you don't really check your work since you're in a hurry for your exams, I do that most of the time, but you should be at least proofreading before posting it to be precise of your final draft.
I second this. Readers want to read your best work, not your draft. If you don't have the time to proofread, then do it later. Do not rush yourself. You don't have deadlines, and the Internet isn't going anywhere.

Anyway, there are some more things Volcanix didn't pick up:

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
In my hand, were two intriging items, an empty book, and a sphere shaped red and white ball.
There shouldn't be a comma after 'hand.' Also, the 'a sphere shaped red and white ball' is redundant, because a sphere is a ball. It would be best to take out 'sphere shaped.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
That book, is this book.
No comma again. It sort of makes the reader pause once it's read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I saw a small note tucked into the spine, reading 'You are in Minecraft. Your name... is Steve.'
Comma after 'reading' because the 'dialogue' follows it. And the ellipse (...) before 'is Steve' is a bit weird, because it's a note, and it's hard to imagine someone would write with an ellipse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
In frustration at the cryptic note, I threw the ball to the ground, releasing something from inside.
This jumps a lot. I didn't get the impression that Steve was frustrated form what you've written, so you should be describing that more rather than just outright saying it. This statement felt slightly arbitrary. This is a first person narrative, so everything Steve feels and senses should be described. Anything that's of importance anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I decided to give it a name, so I started thinking, then saw a nearby pig.
Instead of being intimidated by a weird dog you've never seen before, you decide to name it? I mean, that's a bit fast, don't you think? Steve doesn't even interact with the Growlithe and he decides to name it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
The doglike thing leapt at it, and bit it until it seemingly vapourised.
Just 'vaporized.' Also, this was an underwhelming description for something that seems to be larger than it is. The Pokemon gets a name and sort of fights a pig. That's certainly something that deserves more than a single sentence for description.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
The sun seemed to be in the center of the sky. I decided that I'd better hurry, I wanted to be safe and asleep at ightfall.
Sun in the center = noon. Nightfall would come in six hours or later, so why would you need to rush? I understand that building a house would be more of a big deal, but Steve seems to be in a house already. (This isn't explicitly stated, so it's slightly muddy.) He does make a room, but I'm not sure if that's a shack of just a room for the house. And how does the narrator know that the night is full of terrors? People camp around a campfire in the dead of the night with only tents as safety. What makes this world different and how does Steve knows that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I disovered that I could turn it into planks, and two of them into sticks. I managed to make a crude table from it, making something resembling a wooden pick on that, then smashed some stone with that. I went back to my table, and arranged my eight stone, turning it into a furnace. I tried putting some wood in the furnace, which gave... charcoal? I shoved some charcoal on a stick and watched Knife heat it up, making a makeshift torch.
How Steve knows how to do all this I don't know, and how Knife knows that it's supposed to light the torch is apparently inherent in all Growlithe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I frantically made a smalldoor, placed it, and made a tiny room of planks, with a torch there, and a furnace, crafting bench and a chest in the wall.
You want to reword this. It sounds clunky.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
OK, that underdoes it...
Underdoes isn't a word. Try something else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
tremblingly petrified by the freaky noises outside...
I feel like just saying 'trembling' instead of 'tremblingly petrified' sounds better, since it conveys both an action and a feeling.

Generally, I found that a lot of things just sort of happen and there aren't many words that describe what's going on or how Steve thinks about all of this. It reads as a bit clunky and disjointed at times, so I'd suggest trying to give more of Steve's input into all of this. He doesn't really even have an opinion, so you should also try to write in more of his thoughts. There certainly is a lot of room to improve, so I hope you make progress as you continue to write.
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