Thread: [Pokémon] The Checkers Story
View Single Post
  #2    
Old November 23rd, 2012, 11:37 AM
Yellow Silver Nostalgia's Avatar
Yellow Silver Nostalgia
Those Were The Days
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Try using longer sentences when you're not describing an action scene. Frequent punctuation suggests a rush, a panic, whereas longer sentences have a soothing effect. You've used short sentences throughout, and so there's no contrast of atmosphere to give the reader the feelings of excitement when the action is happening, although your use of dialogue is good. If you are going to go for one big action scene with lots of short sentences, then I suggest working with the present tense and cutting out the background and the future - leaving something for the reader's imagination is a great way to get them interested.

Neat story though. I would like to read about your concept of a Pokemon marriage, as well as a poison type Eeveelution.
__________________
Reply With Quote