Who was I again? (a pokemon/minecraft fanfic)
View Single Post
November 23rd, 2012, 12:30 PM
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: The Cake Contraption in Wish Park!
OK, Volcanix and Psyanic. First, hi, and thanks for the reviews. The spelling errors etc. are going to be fixed shortly after posting this reply to your review. The improvements were certainly helpful, and I thank you for your time writing them. Psyanic, when you say
Originally Posted by
Underdoes isn't a word. Try something else.
...what word do you suggest?
It lets out bright, glimmering shine, It seems to recognize me as its master. I effortlessly leaped into the air.
this, I think you kind-of missed the point of him jumping into the air. He was jumping because he was surprised at the level of darkness. I am sorry if I did not make this clear... Also, in minecraft, a stone sword isn't actually that good, but I will describe it...
And this started off kind of uninteresting and just an empty void in my mind. Yes you described it, but its too vague.
Yeah, this is what I thought when I read it through... I think that I will describe it in my next edit.
And at the end, I don't know if he's talking or thinking in his mind. If he's talking, please add quotation marks.
He was thinking in this one, but I think I will italicize... Thanks for pointing it out.
Plus, Steve just seems kind of bland in my taste.
Yes, I was thinking along the same lines *goes and writes Steve an actual personality* I think he just seems to act on instinct.
This jumps a lot. I didn't get the impression that Steve was frustrated form what you've written, so you should be describing that more rather than just outright saying it. This statement felt slightly arbitrary. This is a first person narrative, so everything Steve feels and senses should be described. Anything that's of importance anyway.
Yes. Weeeel, he was frustrated because the note was very cryptic, maybe I should write more on his frustration...
Instead of being intimidated by a weird dog you've never seen before, you decide to name it? I mean, that's a bit fast, don't you think? Steve doesn't even interact with the Growlithe and he decides to name it.
lol, more on Steve's rubbish personality. I'll write some more in.
Sun in the center = noon. Nightfall would come in six hours or later, so why would you need to rush? I understand that building a house would be more of a big deal, but Steve seems to be in a house already. (This isn't explicitly stated, so it's slightly muddy.) He does make a room, but I'm not sure if that's a shack of just a room for the house. And how does the narrator know that the night is full of terrors? People camp around a campfire in the dead of the night with only tents as safety. What makes this world different and how does Steve knows that?
Nope, just a shack... Not in a house, where'd you get that from? And yeah, I think I might change that to something like Steve being afraid of the dark. And it went quickly, and it IS a house... not just like planting a flower.
How Steve knows how to do all this I don't know, and how Knife knows that it's supposed to light the torch is apparently inherent in all Growlithe.
Steve does seem to be acting more on impusle throughout this story, *makes mental note to improve Steve*. And Growlithe was cold I guess or something, Growlithe do breathe fire though.. NEEDS MORE DESCRIPTION!!!
You want to reword this. It sounds clunky.
the entire story? Or just this section. It all sounds clunky...
Anyways, thanks for the reviews guys. Hope to see you reviewing again soon (if you can bear to read my horrible, ghastly story)!! Bye! Any questions to the characters would also be appreciated everyone!
Come and play on server 24 :D
Also Known As: Kieran
View Public Profile
Send a private message to chaoticlapras
Find all posts by chaoticlapras
Find threads started by chaoticlapras