The Aspen Story
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November 25th, 2012, 12:45 PM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
If all you were adding was that short little bit, why didn't you add it before? I left your thread open because I thought that you had more than just a short addition left to post, like several chapters. The rules say to post a more complete story instead of posting little pieces.
The story reads very quickly. It starts with Aspen in the forest, and then suddenly he's in a city, meeting this strange-colored Umbreon after three days of wandering. There should be a lot more description about everything. Maybe not Aspen's life before he fell into the city, since that's not important to the story. But start of with how he fell into a city when he was in a forest. What his life is like in the city. How he feels when he meets Checkers, and how he feels when they decide to travel together. How nuclear waste was just left on the curbside of an apparently-populated city long enough for a Pokemon to sleep in it. Especially if they're in Castelia City. In the game, that city is huge. There would be plenty of places for two Pokemon to hide away.
Also, why didn't Checkers and Aspen just find some place else to sleep? If they're in a city, I'd assume that there's plenty of other places for two Pokemon to hide out for the night. If they haven't been caught yet (particularly being an Umbreon and a strange-colored Umbreon), then they must be crafty enough to hide from trainers. It makes no sense story-wise for someone to sleep in a random puddle of nuclear waste.
Grammar could also use a little improvement. For one thing, make new paragraphs by hitting the Enter button twice. This way, there's a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on forums that way. And make sure to double-check for typos.
We know have a little boy, Kippy
That should be "now".
It's an interesting story, and there's always a need for Pokemon point-of-view fics here. If you can fix up the logic of the story (like giving a reason for Aspen to lie in the puddle long enough to change) and add more description, it would be a good read. Right now, it just feels very rushed.
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