Thread: [Pokémon] The Aspen Story
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Old November 25th, 2012, 03:57 PM
MelchiorFlyer's Avatar
MelchiorFlyer
Flygon
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Gender: Female
Nature: Naive
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
If all you were adding was that short little bit, why didn't you add it before? I left your thread open because I thought that you had more than just a short addition left to post, like several chapters. The rules say to post a more complete story instead of posting little pieces.

The story reads very quickly. It starts with Aspen in the forest, and then suddenly he's in a city, meeting this strange-colored Umbreon after three days of wandering. There should be a lot more description about everything. Maybe not Aspen's life before he fell into the city, since that's not important to the story. But start of with how he fell into a city when he was in a forest. What his life is like in the city. How he feels when he meets Checkers, and how he feels when they decide to travel together. How nuclear waste was just left on the curbside of an apparently-populated city long enough for a Pokemon to sleep in it. Especially if they're in Castelia City. In the game, that city is huge. There would be plenty of places for two Pokemon to hide away.

Also, why didn't Checkers and Aspen just find some place else to sleep? If they're in a city, I'd assume that there's plenty of other places for two Pokemon to hide out for the night. If they haven't been caught yet (particularly being an Umbreon and a strange-colored Umbreon), then they must be crafty enough to hide from trainers. It makes no sense story-wise for someone to sleep in a random puddle of nuclear waste.

Grammar could also use a little improvement. For one thing, make new paragraphs by hitting the Enter button twice. This way, there's a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on forums that way. And make sure to double-check for typos.


That should be "now".

It's an interesting story, and there's always a need for Pokemon point-of-view fics here. If you can fix up the logic of the story (like giving a reason for Aspen to lie in the puddle long enough to change) and add more description, it would be a good read. Right now, it just feels very rushed.
I added that little bit because I was at my Grandma's house and I had to get off before I could finish. But I am more of a short story person. If I added more it would be to long for me and I could get a little bored and stray off topic. But thanks for the pointers! Well, the cardboard box that I thought about was a little small and I liked the sewer idea. I wanted to have some "random puddle of nuclear waste" because it would make the story a whole lot more interesting. Plus I liked the idea of a poison type eevee-lution. I will fix that typo. Thanks again for the pointers!

It may not be the best. But I like it. It doesn't need to go in the archives. I like it. So it's in the archive of my mind.
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Last edited by Astinus; November 26th, 2012 at 10:47 AM.