Story of Benki
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December 1st, 2012 (11:17 PM).
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Hey there, and welcome to the section! =)
A fairly decent beginning I feel to the story. Already a different way to the typical trainer fic in protrayal so that's a plus, and the writing is decent too. Neat description and writing style, and I quite like Quilava as well. The battle was fine (enjoyable to read) as was the training sequence too.
There's some small typos here and there, but I'll just start from the top. At any rate mistakes are consistent which is always good.
Hello! My name’s Benki. I’m a Quilava, raised under Red. No, not the famous Red of the Kanto region, just a trainer in the Johto region. While he isn’t famous or anything, he has amazing battle skills. I’m going to be writing these, so everything will be in my point of view.
I do slightly question the choice of Red as the namee of the trainer - it's fine, but I do keep thinking half the time of the canon character Red than this guy whenever the name comes up which is a slight disadvantage (basically it can distract the reader from the story itself which is not ideal, even if it's only to a minor degree). Doesn't mean you
go change the name or whatnot, but maybe something to consider. Certainly it is good that you mentioned it at the start though, as that does help a lot.
I nodded and eagerly ran on the battlefield, adrenaline pumping through me. I always loved this moment, the feeling of anticipation before I fought a powerful opponent. I took aim at the Pokemon in front of me, and felt warm flames beginning to lick at my mouth. I opened my mouth
and shot out a long line of flames at the Pokemon, watching as it attempted to dodge, only to get
Here's one of the traps of writing in first person (or first Qualiva? =p). Each of the four sentences of this paragraph started with 'I ___'. This can make it sound a bit repetitive to the reader and hurt the pacing, etc of the story itself. You don't do it too often but do watch out for it such as here, and consider changing say one of them at least to break it up.
The last sentence sounded a bit awkward to me there. A bit abrupt in the use of pauses. For instance the comma after 'my mouth' creates an uncomfortable sounding pause even if it is before 'and'. I also feel you could reword after 'attempting to dodge' (e.g. '...to dodge but only manage to get...' or the such). One good way to check is to read it aloud and see how something sounds and work from there in editing, I find.
Lastly, a consistent mistake in its/it's. The former is the possessive one you want (its wing, its name, etc), while it's is a shortening for 'it is'. It's something you do throughout the chapter so be sure to fix those errors.
“Crobat, use Poison Fang before it attacks!”
trainer called, and the Crobat darted at me, it’s fangs glowing an ominous purple.
Besides pointing out the it's thing again occurring here, that 'The' should be 'the'. Basically whenever the part following dialogue can be treated as the same sentence as it (that is, it flows on and tells us for example who said it, how it was said, etc), then don't capitalise the first word after the dialogue (unless of course it is say a name/proper noun). E.g. '"Woof!" said the dog.' is one sentence, while '"Woof!" Then the dog ran off.' is two, and so Then is used rather than 'then' in that case.
Again, it happens a few times so watch out for that.
Unlike a boy we kept seeing in the news, he didn't have a white sock covering his hair. People from other places just dress funny.
This got a laugh out of me. XD
I was always amazed at how he managed to pet me without being burned.
Before Red said anything, I dimmed my flames on my head, allowing her to pet me without being burned.
This was a bit confusing - if it is to imply that he didn't dim the flames for his trainer for petting, then why didn't he do that? Seems a bit odd to me.
My bruises and scratches vanished, and I felt energetic.
The plus sign vanished, and the green forest returned.
'vanished' twice in two sentences is repetitive so consider changing one of them.
“Go, Quilava!” The teen (who was not Red) commanded, thrusting out my Pokeball, which popped open.
I'd suggest avoiding including details in brackets like that, as it may do something called break the fourth wall in a way. It sorta sounds like the narrator here is suddenly addressing the reader about a detail rather than it coming up in the story naturally which can disrupt the flow. Again, the use of commas here also sounds a bit off like with the last sentence in the opening paragraph, so try the reading aloud trick to see if it sounds right. I'd say something like... '
“Go, Quilava!” a teenageer commanded as he tossed my Pokeball which popped open. I glanced back and noticed that he did not look at all like Red'.
This way you could also then include a bit more such as how does the Quilava feel about this in the dream (confused, for instance?).
I also wonder how he knows it was a dream just before that part of the story starts.
It took about 30 minutes before Red woke up, and about a minute to find me (it took 5 seconds to realize I wasn’t there).
Again going to mention the bracket thing here, plus question how the Qualiva knew it took 5 seconds there and then. It seems an unnecessary detail in a way as well - it doesn't tell us much, nor does the amount of time it took exactly either (that part can stay if you wish to keep it, but knowing it took Red another minute is odd and again implies that Quilava somehow knew it took that long... which doesn't seem possible if he's in another room to begin with).
“OK, You don’t wanna talk about it
” Red said, though he was obviously worried about me. “Anyway, let’s take out the team, since you decided to train so early in the morning
” Red said, then pulled out 4 other PokeBalls, and released all of his other Pokemon.
Stick to one . (full stop - note here though if you want that you need to use a comma instead for the dialogue as the sentence does not end there), or three (...) for an ellipse.
Watch for the flow of sentences due to comma use again at the end. And lastly note that with numbers you'd typically want to write out anything smaller than 100 (so four rather than 4).
A good start, all in all. Good luck with the rest of your fic!
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