Thread: First kiss
View Single Post
  #3    
Old December 4th, 2012, 06:03 PM
Brynjolf's Avatar
Brynjolf
It's so overt it's covert
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The Ragged Flagon
Gender: Female
Alright, I'm going to quote this and put in some things where I think they're needed.

Quote:
First Kiss
By Pvt Tamama (Jake)

We have all had or will have a first kiss, it only happens once, and you always remember it for the rest for your life. You'll remember it when you're young, until you're old. This is the story of a first kiss.

I was eleven years old, in 5th grade, slacked off, and was on the computer most of the time. I only really hung out with one person besides my mother after school, and her name was Jenna. Jenna was my neighbor. She had bleach blond hair and was the same age as me. She was home-schooled, but was extremely intelligent and funny. Every day after I would come home from school, she andI would sit outside and play card games, like yu-gi-oh, pokemon and magic the gathering. It was awesome, and even though I didn't know that this was the future dream girl of a boy like myself. She was not annoying or scary. Whenever you looked into her blues, you would get lost because of how beautiful they were. Maybe that's why I lost so many duels to her! She never would curse, and neither would I. We were both very sheltered at the time, though that has changed a lot since then. She was perfect the kind of girl you would want to marry, have kids with, and then have those kids have kids!

Well, anyway, one day we had been playing a game of Yu-Gi-Oh, and I got to telling her about school, and how I didn't have many friends there. I only had one, but he got bullied a lot. His name was Mason, but he was not relevant right now.

She said she was sorry that I didn't have any friends, then she asked, "Well, um, are there any girls out there that you have a crush on?"

My face turned bright red like a new, red marker! I swore that I didn't.

"Don't mess with me Jake, I know you do!" Jenna yelled at me in a teasing tone.

"I swear, I don't!", I said in a nervous voice.

"Okay, whatever you say", she said as she laughed.
We kept on playing Yu-Gi-Oh for about an hour. Of course she was whooping me, with her super power deck with ever card.

After a while, her mom yelled from inside her house, "Jenna, time to eat! Come inside!".

We put the cards away in our deck boxes, then she sat on the sidewalk where we battled, and did not move. She looked like she was going to cry!

I was getting up, pretending not to notice, when she said, trying not to cry, "This is the last time we will ever duel!"

"What? Why?", I said, confused.

S
he stood up, brushed her long hair out of her eyes, ran up to me and then wrapped her arms around me so tight, that she squeezed the air out of me. Then she looked me in the eye, then looked away, then looked back and closed her eyes, still hugging me. Then she moved her lips up to mine and they touched. I was startled. I didn't show it, though. I closed my eyes quickly, and kissed her back. Her lips were soft, like ice cream, yet inviting, like a fireplace. My heart raced. I swear that I was going to have a heart attack. Then she let go and moved her lips from mine.

"I love you", she said. She then ran back to her house.

I went back home, and wasn't able to sleep that night. Iwas confused, I didn't know what to think. Morning came, and still no sleep. My mother asked me to take out the trash, and as i walked outside, I saw something that would be burned into my memory for the rest of my life. A U-haul truck stopped in front of Jenna's house.
Edits are in red.

You conveyed your thoughts very well in this, but do work on spacing the paragraphs out (I fixed that for you) and placing your periods/commas.

Also, capitalize the first letter of the next sentence, as well as the first letter of each word of brand names.

Volcanix does have a point, this needs a lot of work, but not every love story needs to be long like he says. This is just fine for a first kiss story.

Keep working on it, though.
__________________
Are you sure you want to play this game?
I'm afraid you'd lose
Reply With Quote