Thread: [Pokémon] Red Eyes Don't Lie [T]
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Old December 6th, 2012, 06:18 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
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Fairly solid writing you have here in this story. Nice description of the town and the events, and you created a good atmosphere to go with it as well. Not the first time I've seen the Absol pokedex entries used for a fic but you did more than the usual with it as well so kudos there. I liked how the story went, although it went maybe a bit predictably in the storytelling. Often the events would be strongly alluded to paragraphs beforehand, and although this makes sense with the disaster that occurred other things like the woman hunting him, and him eventually helping her out might have been better an event to read about if you hadn't mentioned/alluded it to them as much. Nonetheless the ending was satisfying and the story enjoyable, and the Absol made for a neat character.
Quote:
To watch as people traveled the route through the village, where even those filled with bravado were welcomed with clean beds and fresh berries; the only trouble was from the wilds, but I did my part to keep them safe. Whenever their gaze was elsewhere.
Sometimes parts sounded odd to me which distracted from the story itself, such as this part here. The semicolon here didn't seem to really link two sentences that were talking about the same thing in my opinion and a few others in the story I would also argue similarly, so that may be something to look into. The last bit here also sounds quite odd detached from other sentences like this so I'd suggest rewording that part (or say just joining it with the previous sentence). Be sure of clarity and how you use pauses in sentences. Sometimes making a new sentence is better than just continuing one for a long while at the risk of making a run-on sentence.
Quote:
My sleep was blissfully empty of nightmares or dreams, though I doubt either would have been pleasant.
This little bit here also sounded off for instance. You mentioned blissfully empty, and then say 'though' to suggest if otherwise it wouldn't have been pleasant, which seems odd given 'blissfully' already says it was without. Maybe 'as' in place of 'though'.

Only other thing that springs to mind was that you seemed to use 'defeat' a bit too much in the short battle against the Mawile (which I'll add had quite nice description there). Try some other words instead to avoid sounding repetitive. That was an outlier though; I don't recall any other cases of overusage of a particular word.

All in all good work with this!
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