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Old December 6th, 2012, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Khawill View Post
If you understand what a passive vvoice is then I can say avoid them to make the sentence have more oomph. (Passive voice is when the verb To Be is used as the primary verb)

Example: (Your first sentence in that quote) Breakfast with mom was great this morning, she made pancakes, eggs, and sausage. Was is a past tense conjugation of the passive voice

Better: I enjoyed a great breakfast with mom that consisted of pancakes, eggs, and sausage. A small rewording gets the message out while avoiding that bland passive voice

Best: I enjoyed a typical parent conversation with my mother over a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, fluffy waffles, and juicy sausage. This sentence is not necessarily the absolute best way to write the sentence though it combines the first two sentences in that quote, gets the message across, avoids the passive voice, and uses adjectives

You do not always have to avoid the passive voice, though complex verbs and adjectives are your friend!

As for the sentences being choppy, it is because they don't relate well with each other.

These sentences come to mind: More obvious questions, yay. After that I helped clean up, seeing as I'd be gone for quite some time. I had cleaned my room, so no longer is it a disaster-piece. She might use it as a guestroom, who knows.

Okay let's break it down! First of all, omit the first sentence, it really disturbs the flow of the story and doesn't do much.
Your second sentence is awkward. Try using: I would be gone for while so I thought it would be a good idea to help clean up. Note this uses the passive voice, though since it is a sentence that doesn't require a lot of sparkle we can allow it. Pretty much never let the first sentence of your story and paragraphs to be passive voice. Finally not that I separated I'd into I would, this is just a personal preference because I don't like slang in my writing.

Sentence three suffers from awkwardness as well, and it is an extension of the second sentence. So let's try combining them shall we?
I would be gone for a while so I thought it would be nice for me to clean the house; although I wouldn't be here mom could still use my room as a guest room.
That is a little better, I changed your room to house as it is implied that if he cleans the house, he also cleans his room (it also makes your character seem nicer).

Obviously my changes are not for your story, but to show you how to improve your sentences.

As for the list, don't just throw nouns at us. Use description! Does not have to be complicated either!
I packed my bags with extra clothes for my adventure, some trail rations for food, and utensils to eat with. Additionally I decided to bring my utility knife and survival kit that contained matches, a compass, a map, and first aid supplies. Please don't use etc. The use of it can be confusing to readers who may not know what exactly is in a survival kit.

Also sarcasm doesn't translate well over thoughts, it is much better to use it in dialogue. Though it is fine if it is not completely random.

Remember you won't need filler if you are detailed enough! Seriously, grab a thesaurus, dictionary, or whatever and look for some stellar verbs and adjectives, those alone can make your stories enticing to readers! Also don't forget exclamation points, they give excitement to your story. Additionally thing in italics can be used to exaggerate a word.
Oh wow thank you! I'll definitely go look up using passive voice O:

Alright so I rewrote it a bit, how does this sound?:
Quote:
Before the day really began I enjoyed a meal of scrambled eggs, delicious pancakes and juicy brown sausage. Referring to last night, we re-agreed on some decisions, and then pondered on childhood memories. Running in lush fields, playing with Professor Elm's friendly Pokemon, shopping in Goldenrod's huge store and playing with miniature Pokemon action figures are all memories that I vividly remember. Seeing as I'll be gone for a while, I assumed it would be courteous to help clean up the house. Mother cooked the breakfast, so I did the dishes for her, and so she could possibly use it as a guestroom I cleaned my room up as well. Once I was done with simple house chores I had to finish packing my backpack. I stood there for a second, blankly staring at my backpack contemplating what I should bring with me and what I should leave. In the end I decided to be a bit minimalistic on what I would bring so I could be efficient at travelling and not lug a 40-pound backpack around. Being simplistic and light on what I could take along, I packed extra clothes for the adventure, utensils to eat with, trail rations for food and a basic survival kit containing a compass, matches, a utility knife and a map of the region.
Note: On the survival kit part I didn't include descriptions of the nouns because the sentence was already relatively long. I didn't want it to become too extensive.
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Last edited by -; December 6th, 2012 at 08:02 PM.