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Old December 7th, 2012, 10:29 AM
Mochi's Avatar
Mochi
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Michigan
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Well, Kwahill and Astinus really beat me to it, I probably couldn't have the patience to write out everything Kwahill did, so kudos!

Your new paragraph does seem kind of passive, although personally I don't find complete fault with it if it's used right, which is often difficult and unnecessary. Every writer has their own style though, n'est-ce pas?

One thing I always keep an eye out for when I'm writing is what information is absolutely necessary.

Quote:
Mother cooked the breakfast, so I did the dishes for her, and so she could possibly use it as a guestroom I cleaned my room up as well.
That part I think could be toned down to be more simplistic and to the point. Does the audience really need to know that the protagonist's room will be a guest room? Does that contribute any way to the story? I'm not saying cut out every bit of extra information as some of it sets the scene and helps build the image, but that fragment of information isn't really necessary and distracts the reader from the story at hand. That's something I see really commonly with amateur writing (even I'm at fault sometimes!) so I've tried to really keep an eye out for it.

Otherwise, that's a huge improvement from the original; good job!