Top Grunt (PG-13)
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December 8th, 2012, 05:51 PM
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nomnom Town
Oh, an actual fanfic about the anime! How long has it been?
And it has a nice little premise. One that should have been explored more over the years.
A few errors with wording and grammar:
Originally Posted by
Ash looked furiously across the room. The battle field was torn up, rocks broken and cracks in the floor ran through the middle. Pikachu huffed on all fours looking across the broken plain. Pikachu was tired and Ash knew that it had to end quickly. Giovanni chuckled on the other side, flipping a pokéball into the air. His Nidoking was bent over as well, using its hands to slowly lift itself up. None of this made
to Ash, while it appeared that he was Giovanni was losing, he was still all smiles and getting happier about the outcome as the battle went. He felt as if somehow he was walking into a trap with this.
Giovanni again snickered as he called Nidoking back. “Your strong , I could use someone like you
Team Rocket.” Giovanni declared to Ash
This one is small, but sense Team Rocket is an organization and not a place, you use "in" over "at."
“And I will let you go, first I have a offer to make to you though, that is after all why I had you brought here. Join me Ash, I need a new 2nd in command, of course I’ll have to start you as a grunt, but you can be one of the best
. Together you and I can have it all Ash, and the paychecks! You’ll finally be able to impress that girl Misty into going out with you. Join me now and
make you my top grunt with the first opportunity to be admiral.”
Also, most of this entire paragraph is a cavalcade of run-on sentences. You should replace a few of those commas with periods.
“I will never join you!
pathetic scum! You think by kidnapping me and making me battle you that you can get me join your ranks! Now let me go!” Ash snapped back, he was mad now. The nerve to kidnap him and try to get him to join these bottom feeding scum.
you're - One of the most common mistakes on the internet though, lol.
Giovanni reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a paper contract and a pen and offered it towards Ash. Ash gritted his teeth. He would never stoop to the level of Giovanni
here had to be another way. “Pikachu
iron tail on that glass!” Ash decided to fight!
hammer arm go! Ash
I let you beat me last time
ou walked into my trap this time and I will crush you!”
Rhyperior sprung out of the pokéball that Giovanni had been fiddling with and charged at Pikachu. For a Pokémon of such large bulky size this Rhyperior was shockingly fast. Its right forearm smashed into Pikachu knocking him backwards toward Ash.
it is no use!” Giovanni chuckled
“Both of you will not leave here unless you join me!”
Some missing commas and periods. There are more throughout the story, but here's where it's most prominent. I don't normally care too much about grammar and whatnot, but it does become a problem in the long run. Trust me.
All around, it's nice and creative minus the glaring grammar and spelling problems.
My only advice would be to knock up the intensity. Ash is joining a criminal organization here. He needs to feel the pressure of every decision he makes and it's up to you to interpret that properly.
Keep up the nice work. You have a fan in me.
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