Here We Go Again (Advanceshipping)
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December 10th, 2012 (04:25 PM).
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
I'm not too sure if that is a prologue as much as a summary or 'trailer', if you will, of the story itself. There's no actual story happening here but rather just a setup of facts about Ash and who he defeated before, and that he's going to challenge the Hoenn league. What we don't know is say a motivation, your characterisation for him, or any indication of a plot beyond that part.
So I'd suggest reworking that prologue. Consider it as a 'hook' to get the reader wanting more, to know what your writing is like and so forth. In reading this there's not much to go on.
They called him "Master." His name was Ash Ketchum and he had defeated the Indigo League. Two times, actually.
I'd advise against adding in facts like the bit at the end ('Two times, actually'). It makes the storytelling sound somewhat casual, as if you were trying to recall the story while telling it to someone you bumped into. As a narrator you'd want to be sure of your statements, so don't try to make the facts sounds too uncertain by seemingly correcting yourself to say 'actually it was twice'. It also disrupts the story and the pacing.
Lance Wataru, Bruno Siba, Agatha Kikuko, and Lorlei Kanna.
I'm a bit confused as to why you are using the Japanese names as surnames - is it confirmed anywhere canonically that they are surnames? I did not thing so, and a mixing of English and Japanese names like so sounds odd at times. To the average Pokemon fan as well they're probably not going to know the Japanese names so that may further confuse them (in the games and afaik the anime at any rate it's always a one-name basis for most characters).
Also Lorelei is the correct spelling.
Now, Ash has to take on the Hoenn League after defeating all 8 gyms. He has to defeat 5 trainers in one-on-one battles.
Generally for numbers smaller than 100 you'll want to write it out with letters (so eight and five rather than 8 and 5). Why does he have to defeat five trainers in one-on-one battles? Are they part of the Hoenn League gyms, or separate? It's a bit confusing there, so make sure you have clarity.
In short there's some work to do yet, I feel. We don't have much of a plot shown yet beyond that Ash will challenge the League (and by the title there may be some shipping) and had beaten others this time around (does this mean he's older, or that you changed canon events in which he doesn't win any major tournament besides the Orange League and some Battle Frontier challenge?), nor any feel for characterisation as what is here is more a summary or back-of-the-book blurb about the story than a prologue. Try checking out other fics here to see how other people write out stories first, including stuff in the Awesome Archive for what the forums felt were better fics. Take the time too; one paragraph doesn't make for much of a prologue either, so I get the feeling this was quickly written.
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