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Old December 19th, 2012, 06:31 PM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
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Not bad for a 2 year + fic revival. =p

I've enjoyed your battle scene stories before and this doesn't disappoint either. Quite enjoyable action throughout, as well as some interesting ideas explored (from abilities to full-out aerial battles). I look forward to seeing how the battle finishes. =)

Miles Bloodsworth is a interesting name choice there, haha. Makes for fun visual imagery as well for that particular attorney to be flying about on a Honchkrow. I'd have thought he would have objected to the idea though. ;p Ophelia seems to have decent characterisation and I enjoy the few other characters that have shown up so far, including the commentator. The descriptions of the battles are decent too and the action fairly inventive.
Quote:
Her official battle record was 107-12, but her statistics couldn’t begin to reflect her power. She came from a long line of powerful female trainers. Her grandmother Rainey Zaparto was the first woman in the Kanto-Johto Elite Four. She defied stereotypes by raising power house pokemon rather than the grass and water pokemon other women generally specialized in.
Quote:
Miles Bloodsworth rarely spoke during a battle. His pokemon were so well trained they often knew what to do without his command. But when he did spoke, his voice was very low, but cold and deadly. He rarely took part in the glitz and glammer of an elite trainer’s life. He was reclusive, spending most of his time with his pokemon.

His Mismagius gave another cackle and lifted her arm towards the Alakazam’s heart.
However one thing I would suggest looking out for is how you start sentences. Quite often it's with 'Her'/'She' or 'His'/'He', and it becomes a bit repetitive after a while.

Quote:
Finally, she thought of the best strategy. She set aside her Jynx’s pokeball, and lined up her remaining nine.

“Eeeny—meany—miny—mo”
Heh, I like the way she thinks. =p Maybe a ... or somesuch within the dialogua tag there could be added as otherwise there's nothing there.
Quote:
Five minutes before the Championship Battle
I don't feel this is a good way to jump to just before the battle. May be better to just include this fact in the story narration itself.
Quote:
“Good morning, Johto! This is Buena from Station 10.5
I like the attention to detail there. =)
Quote:
And Pinsir started to jump onto the cracks getting closer to the ghost that continued to eye him eerily.
This sentence sounded a bit awkward. Maybe at least a comma after 'cracks', and I'd think 'into' the cracks is better (especially as you just used 'in the cracks' or somesuch the previous sentence).
Quote:
But the beast, belly still facing up, remarkably began to fly backward through the air, in a circle around the stadium, the tornado of air still under it.
This also sounded awkward due to the amount of commas used which broke up the sentence into too many pieces. I'd suggest splitting into different sentences and/or rewording it so it's not so clunky.
Quote:
“Get her!” Ophelia cried as her pokemon began to slow and to look dizzy from the constant spinning and movement.
'began to slow and to look dizzy' sounds a bit wordy and simple. Maybe drop the latter part and instead mention some attribute that shows us it might be dizzy than just saying it begins to look dizzy.
Quote:
Miles gave a rare smirk While the more easily impressed commentator was surprised by Ophelia’s seemingly daring choice, he could see her rather unoriginal strategy a mile away.
Missing the full stop there.
Quote:
He grinned at his ghastly opponent who became more annoyed at her failure.
Another spot wheree I feel a bit more showing could have been done rather than just saying that the ghost was more annoyed. For the most part the battles are well described, but I feel that in placees like here a bit more would help as well.
Quote:
The wind that sent shudders down to the deepest deserves of a soul.
reserves?
Quote:
Miles Bloodsworth didn’t nearly as out of place on the back of his pokemon as Ophelia had expected.
Seems to be missing a word of couple in the first part of the sentence (maybe '...seem nearly as...' for example?)
Quote:
“Tropius, we’re going to go on the Defensive.
No need for defensive to be capitalised.
Quote:
They tried in vein to barrel roll their way out of the attack before one of the rings struck the Tropius in one of its legs.
vain.


Do post more! =)
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