Thread: [Pokémon] Indigo's Story (G)
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Old December 21st, 2012 (6:24 PM).
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Volcanix769 Volcanix769 is offline
Known as the Quilava Guy!
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Ok, let me say this:

Even if this is your first Fan Fiction, think about your story. Does it have a good plot? Does it have any adjustments? Because, well, let me state these that I noticed.

Originally Posted by Kitkat315 View Post
Hello! This is my first Fanfic, and my first post on Pokécommunity other than my introduction, so please be gentle! I gave this a G rating since a 7-year old's mom let me read this to their kid, so it should be good. I have more chapters, bur I want to see what people think before I post them. Please enjoy!
Ok, you still need to take proper writing seriously. And even if that kid likes it, this is different. The internet is a tough world out there, though there's some people like me that are willing to see well structured stories. Now let me get started.

Originally Posted by Kitkat315 View Post
"We've recaptured the professor's assistant and taken her back to the base" the Team Rocket grunt said into his (stolen) Pokégear. "Have you retrieved the rare Pokémon yet?" A voice on the other end replied. "No, but we are in the process of searching the lab. She has to have hidden them somewhere."
Ok, this is the prologue and it made me very lost. And I have NO idea where these grunts are. Are they in their base or somewhere? And a few of your sentences are odd. The first one, which I noticed, has no period. You're lacking actions of what's going on here. Like where are they? What's going on rather them just talking?

And the last paragraph has grammar issues. It's just written improperly and it's just frustrating. Try to fix up your problems and add in detail to tell what's going on, because in the start, there's nothing there. Just nothing. Not to be rude. It should be like:
"She might have hidden them somewhere." And no need to add brackets around "Stolen.

Originally Posted by Kitkat315 View Post
"Hello, my name is Indigo. I live in a small island town called Rivedge located just South-West of Cherygrove city in the Jhoto region. I am 13 years old and have moved here from Iccirius city in Unova. Tomorrow I get my first Pokémon from Professor Juniper's second lab. She isn't here right now, but she said her assistant, Rosa, would give me and my friends Kaiden and Nim (Who still live in Cherrygrove) our first Pokémon! Wow, it's really getting late, better go to sleep; But WHAT ARE those noises coming from the lab! Uuhg... Better sleep..." Indigo said, as she clicked off her audio journal and fell asleep.
Ok, this paragraph is weird. Who is he talking to? How does he know that he talking to the readers? You better remove the quotation marks and rewrite the paragraph so it makes sense. The red bolded text is funny to read based on your grammar. Who are Kaiden and Nim? Introduce them. And in that text, it has extensive commas and it should end with a period.

And your spelling errors are more noticeable and I wonder if you proofread your story before posting this. Type this in MS Word first or your personal notepad here in your Settings Menu in this website.

Originally Posted by Kitkat315 View Post
Indigo rubbed her eyes in a futile attempt to wake up. "Why do I keep reading and journaling so late?" she wondered, trying to wake up.
After about ten minutes of trying every trick in the book (and some that weren't) Indigo succeeded in waking herself up. Calling downstairs, "Mom? Is there something I need to do this morning or did you set my alarm for fun?" "You're going to get your first Pokémon today!"Hurriedly getting dressed and running down the stairs she shouted "Professor Juniper's new lab?" "Right" "Thanks!" And she ran out the door.
Ok, this is a weird paragraph as well. The dialogue isn't well explained and they seem extremely robotic and weird. Your sentences are rushed and I prefer slowing down and at least take your time. And again, don't use brackets. You should never do that. I wonder, why aren't you even checking over.

Next, DON'T change point of views. This is very bad and very vague. I am very lost in thought in this story and you should take your time in this. I just don't know. Now on to the last one:

Originally Posted by Kitkat315 View Post
Indigo ran next door to see the lab looking like someone had let Tyranitar loose again.

The space is needed. "Ookay, I don't think I'll be getting my first Pokémon today" she muttered under her breath. Hearing voices coming from inside, she opened the door a crack to see what was going on; and almost gasped when she saw Team Rocket uniforms!

The space is needed. "They can't be Team Rocket" She thought, "They were disbanded twice! First 5 years ago and again 2 years ago! They really can't take a hint, can they?" Breaking out of her thoughts for a moment, she heard something.

The space is needed. "Chik... Chiiiiik... Chikorita..." Snapping her head to look at where the sound came from, she saw a wounded Chikorita holding a dirtied Pokédex in its mouth. "Oh no..." She said, quietly closing the door and picking the Chikorita up. "Let's get you home to bandage and put some ointment on those scrapes"
Ok, you forgot a few periods in the end of your dialogue. You might want to fix them. The next one with the ";" wasn't needed. It should end with a comma or period. Just reading this is weird.

Overall, you need a lot of improvements in your story. I'm not saying this to insult you however, but it's true. If you want to take proper writing and stories seriously, don't give up and try to make it as perfect and good that you can, because you're not trying hard and you just did this for yourself, huh?

The story is very short and lacks in detail. I wasn't even hooked and there's no grabbing point. There's a lot of grammar problems, including spelling. There's no detail or flavor that's in this story. It's just a draft. Not your best, and I hope that you want to fix those. Revamp your story and we'll see.

For now, go to the Writer's Lounge. to get an idea.
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