Ok, let me say this:
Even if this is your first Fan Fiction, think about your story. Does it have a good plot? Does it have any adjustments? Because, well, let me state these that I noticed.
Ok, you still need to take proper writing seriously. And even if that kid likes it, this is different. The internet is a tough world out there, though there's some people like me that are willing to see well structured stories. Now let me get started.
Ok, this is the prologue and it made me very lost. And I have NO idea where these grunts are. Are they in their base or somewhere? And a few of your sentences are odd. The first one, which I noticed, has no period. You're lacking actions of what's going on here. Like where are they? What's going on rather them just talking?
And the last paragraph has grammar issues. It's just written improperly and it's just frustrating. Try to fix up your problems and add in detail to tell what's going on, because in the start, there's nothing there. Just nothing. Not to be rude. It should be like:
"She might have hidden them somewhere." And no need to add brackets around "Stolen.
Ok, this paragraph is weird. Who is he talking to? How does he know that he talking to the readers? You better remove the quotation marks and rewrite the paragraph so it makes sense. The red bolded text is funny to read based on your grammar. Who are Kaiden and Nim? Introduce them. And in that text, it has extensive commas and it should end with a period.
And your spelling errors are more noticeable and I wonder if you proofread your story before posting this. Type this in MS Word first or your personal notepad here in your Settings Menu in this website.
Ok, this is a weird paragraph as well. The dialogue isn't well explained and they seem extremely robotic and weird. Your sentences are rushed and I prefer slowing down and at least take your time. And again, don't use brackets. You should never do that. I wonder, why aren't you even checking over.
Next, DON'T change point of views. This is very bad and very vague. I am very lost in thought in this story and you should take your time in this. I just don't know. Now on to the last one:
The space is needed. "Ookay, I don't think I'll be getting my first Pokémon today" she muttered under her breath. Hearing voices coming from inside, she opened the door a crack to see what was going on; and almost gasped when she saw Team Rocket uniforms!
The space is needed. "They can't be Team Rocket" She thought, "They were disbanded twice! First 5 years ago and again 2 years ago! They really can't take a hint, can they?" Breaking out of her thoughts for a moment, she heard something.
The space is needed. "Chik... Chiiiiik... Chikorita..." Snapping her head to look at where the sound came from, she saw a wounded Chikorita holding a dirtied Pokédex in its mouth. "Oh no..." She said, quietly closing the door and picking the Chikorita up. "Let's get you home to bandage and put some ointment on those scrapes"
Ok, you forgot a few periods in the end of your dialogue. You might want to fix them. The next one with the ";" wasn't needed. It should end with a comma or period. Just reading this is weird.
Overall, you need a lot of improvements in your story. I'm not saying this to insult you however, but it's true. If you want to take proper writing and stories seriously, don't give up and try to make it as perfect and good that you can, because you're not trying hard and you just did this for yourself, huh?
The story is very short and lacks in detail. I wasn't even hooked and there's no grabbing point. There's a lot of grammar problems, including spelling. There's no detail or flavor that's in this story. It's just a draft. Not your best, and I hope that you want to fix those. Revamp your story and we'll see.
For now, go to the Writer's Lounge. to get an idea.