Indigo's Story (G)
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December 21st, 2012 (7:22 PM).
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Dec 2012
Ok, first off thanks for the criticism, it was actually helpful!
I wanted to post it here to see how I did, and I guess I need to work on it more. And that's fine!
Onto some of the errors you pointed out,
Ok, you still need to take proper writing seriously. And even if that kid likes it, this is different. The internet is a tough world out there, though there's some people like me that are willing to see well structured stories. Now let me get started.
I meant in terms of how I rated it, not how good it was. Sorry!
Ok, this is the prologue and it made me very lost. And I have NO idea where these grunts are. Are they in their base or somewhere? And a few of your sentences are odd. The first one, which I noticed, has no period. You're lacking actions of what's going on here. Like where are they? What's going on rather them just talking?
And the last paragraph has grammar issues. It's just written improperly and it's just frustrating. Try to fix up your problems and add in detail to tell what's going on, because in the start, there's nothing there. Just nothing. Not to be rude. It should be like:
"She might have hidden them somewhere." And no need to add brackets around "Stolen.
I was never sure how well that part flowed, and as for where they are, I wanted him to be in the lab, searching for the thing that they are looking for. I tried to use the brackets to add extra info, but if they don't work, then I shall fry them with the delete key!
Ok, this paragraph is weird. Who is he talking to? How does he know that he talking to the readers? You better remove the quotation marks and rewrite the paragraph so it makes sense. The red bolded text is funny to read based on your grammar. Who are Kaiden and Nim? Introduce them. And in that text, it has extensive commas and it should end with a period.
And your spelling errors are more noticeable and I wonder if you proofread your story before posting this. Type this in MS Word first or your personal notepad here in your Settings Menu in this website.
I thought I caught all of the spelling errors, can you point them out so I can fix them? Also, the first paragraph is intended to be her making her first entry in her audio journal, AND an introduction to the reader. I'm sorry that it wasn't very good, I really only had friends and family to critique, and while I wasn't sure how good it was. I just REALLY wanted an outside opinion, and this seemed like a good place to get one.
Ok, this is a weird paragraph as well. The dialogue isn't well explained and they seem extremely robotic and weird. Your sentences are rushed and I prefer slowing down and at least take your time. And again, don't use brackets. You should never do that. I wonder, why aren't you even checking over.
Next, DON'T change point of views. This is very bad and very vague. I am very lost in thought in this story and you should take your time in this. I just don't know. Now on to the last one:
Sorry that it sounded robotic, though I can't figure out how you mean that. Can you explain further?
Also, it was intended to sound rushed, she's super exited and running out the door!
And finally, where did I change POV? I certainly didn't mean to do that!
Ok, you forgot a few periods in the end of your dialogue. You might want to fix them. The next one with the ";" wasn't needed. It should end with a comma or period. Just reading this is weird.
Overall, you need a lot of improvements in your story. I'm not saying this to insult you however, but it's true. If you want to take proper writing and stories seriously, don't give up and try to make it as perfect and good that you can, because you're not trying hard and you just did this for yourself, huh?
The story is very short and lacks in detail. I wasn't even hooked and there's no grabbing point. There's a lot of grammar problems, including spelling. There's no detail or flavor that's in this story. It's just a draft. Not your best, and I hope that you want to fix those. Revamp your story and we'll see.
I tried really hard to make the prologue the first grabbing point, then when she found the injured Chikorita the next, but I guess that didn't work.
I felt the story's chapters were a tad short, but it turns out that they were REALLY short. I guess this story wasn't as good as I thought it was, but thank you very much for the criticism! I think I'll leave this here, and post the other chapters to make it complete, and then hermit for a while to make it better. I'm sad that you didn't feel it was very good. But to make it better I have to try, right? Failure=Learning! Back to work then!
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