Indigo's Story (G)
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December 21st, 2012 (10:45 PM).
Join Date: May 2006
When I saw your response to Volcanix's review, I knew I had to review myself. Because your attitude is amazing and should be rewarded in some way! No really. It's great to see someone be this welcoming to getting advice.
Personally, I'd say to get rid of the prologue. It's really not needed, since it doesn't add anything to the story. Pretty much as soon as Indigo gets to the lab, we find out that Team Rocket is there to steal Pokemon. Why they're doing that since they've disbanded, we don't know, but I'd guess that's one reason why Indigo goes on her journey. Still, there's some grammar errors I can point out.
"We've recaptured the professor's assistant and taken her back to the base" the Team Rocket grunt said into his (stolen) Pokégear.
You're missing a comma after “base.” You should also not use parenthesis to give information to the reader that can be explained otherwise. Just say “[t]he Team Rocket grunt said into his stolen Pokegear. He left that trainer bleeding on the side of the road days ago. Kid should have just given his Pokegear to Team Rocket if he didn't want to be hurt.”
Or something like that.
"Have you retrieved the rare Pokémon yet?" A voice on the other end replied. "No, but we are in the process of searching the lab. She has to have hidden them somewhere."
Don't forget that every time a new person speaks, their dialogue goes into a new paragraph.
"Hello, my name is Indigo. I live in a small island town called Rivedge located just
Make sure to spell canon names correctly when writing fanfiction. It makes your fanfic look better to readers when they glance through it. Johto's a difficult region name to remember how it's spelled, but you can check either Bulbapedia or Serebii for terms.
13 years old
and have moved here from
The rule tends to be “write out numbers less than 100”, so that should be “thirteen-years-old.” And it's “Icirrus City.”
(I should add that Pokemon terms are really the only words misspelled, and a word processor/spell-checker might not catch those. I know OpenOffice doesn't, which is what I use.)
Tomorrow I get my first Pokémon from Professor Juniper's second lab.
I'm kind of confused here. Why does Juniper have another lab in Johto when there already is a professor that hands out starters. I could maybe understand if Indigo is on the other side of the region, but Cherrygrove and New Bark Town are rather close. It's a short walk, or there's even the option of sending Pokemon through computers if worse comes to worse. Or she could have spent the night at the house of one of her friends so she's already there in town.
It's just odd that it's Juniper who is the professor here instead of Elm.
She isn't here right now, but she said her assistant, Rosa, would give me and my friends Kaiden and Nim (Who still live in Cherrygrove) our first Pokémon!
What do you mean by “still live”? Do you just mean that they live there and never moved? Just say that they live in Cherrygrove and lose the parenthesis. This could be done by “My friends Kaiden and Nim, who live in Cherrygrove, our first Pokemon!”
Wow, it's really getting late, better go to sleep; But WHAT ARE those noises coming from the lab!
Semi-colon shouldn't have been used here, as those sentences aren't related. Also, instead of using caps lock for emphasis, use italics by using the [i]italics tags.[/i]
Calling downstairs, "Mom? Is there something I need to do this morning or did you set my alarm for fun?"
It sounds better as “She called downstairs, 'Mom?'”
Also, I'm surprised that she totally forgot about why she was going to wake up early.
"You're going to get your first Pokémon today!" Hurriedly getting dressed and running down the stairs she shouted "Professor Juniper's new lab?" "Right" "Thanks!" And she ran out the door.
Again, when a new person talks, their dialogue goes in a separate paragraph. You also forgot the comma after “shouted.”
Indigo ran next door to see the lab looking like someone had let Tyranitar loose again.
Wait. The lab is right next door? How did Indigo not notice anyone breaking in? And what do you mean by someone letting a Tyranitar out again? This is the first time we've seen a Tyranitar in this story.
"Ookay, I don't think I'll be getting my first Pokémon today" she muttered under her breath.
Missed the comma after “today.”
"They can't be Team Rocket" She thought, "They were disbanded twice! First 5 years ago and again 2 years ago! They really can't take a hint, can they?"
You might want to use italics for Indigo's thoughts, since using quotation marks makes it seem like she's talking out loud, despite not wanting to get caught by Team Rocket. Also, the “she” before “thought” should be lower-cased.
Breaking out of her thoughts for a moment, she heard something. "Chik... Chiiiiik... Chikorita..."
Snapping her head to look at where the sound came from, she saw a wounded Chikorita holding a dirtied Pokédex in its mouth.
said, quietly closing the door and picking the Chikorita up. "Let's get you home to bandage and put some ointment on those scrapes
I put in bold any of the mistakes I corrected so you could see them.
Um, is she going to tell anyone about Team Rocket being back and breaking into the lab, hurting/stealing Pokemon? It seems like she just forgot about them as soon as she saw the Chikorita. Which I also ask about. How did Team Rocket miss it if they want to steal rare Pokemon? And why is Juniper handing out Chikorita when Elm is pretty much right next door doing the same thing?
Right now, there's really not a lot to comment on. The beginning sounds like a lot of trainer fics, where the new trainer is nearly late getting their first Pokemon because they couldn't sleep. They also pretty much live right next door to the starting professor of the region, and the evil team of the region is met early on in the fic, which becomes a reason why the trainer goes on their journey. That's not to say that your fic is bad for starting this way. It's just that this has been seen many times before, and you'd have to do something to make it different to readers.
One way you can do this is by maybe combining chapters. You say that you noticed that your chapters are short. Knowing when to end chapters is a good thing to learn. Right now, chapter one ends right in the middle of the action, and not in a cliffhanger way. The reader just gets frustrated by how the chapter just ends with Indigo finding Team Rocket and a Chikorita and leaving Rocket there in the lab.
Another way to solve the short chapter problem is to add more to the chapter. Describe more. Like how does Indigo feel as she's falling asleep. What does she see when she gets to the lab. Describe how the lab looks with a rampaging Tyranitar going through it. Is there a lot of smoke and dirt flying around? Is that how Indigo manages to sneak away with Chikorita, because there's so much being destroyed? How does Indigo decide to help the Chikorita rather than get at least her mother to call the police?
You can ask for a beta reader in our Beta Reader thread, which will help you out. They can look over your story before you post it to the forums, helping to catch any grammar errors or any narration points that need explaining.
I'm interested in seeing more from you! Best of luck!
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