Long Road to Ruin (M)
View Single Post
December 30th, 2012 (3:34 PM). Edited December 30th, 2012 by bobandbill.
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
I like the interactions between Willow and her Gastly most of all thus far in this story. The Gastly is quite cute in its behaviour and lively as well, although I feel you could have gone without stating it when it was introduced:
Suddenly, the woman's greying-purple hair was licked out of her face by a Gastly who seemed extremely hyper and excited to have gotten out of its Pokeball.
It's telling the audience facts in the 'seemed extremely hyper and excited' part which for one is a bit boring, and too imo needless because what Gastly does is more interesting to read and communicates the same info to us.
The fic premise does seem differently handled here (given it's an OT fic and all), so I am curious to see what you do with it down the track. Fics that give some more attention to the professor aren't too common to begin with and including the info in the email isn't a bad idea either, heh. Wonder what is in the egg?
It seems that Lily has discovered a Pokemon egg, and has decided to take care of it, in spite of her mother's hate for trainers since my brother's... Incident.
I don't think 'incident' needs the capitalisation there. It might be okay as people make mistakes in emails, but given you make a point to mention she has spent some time writing up the email, etc, I don't think is sounds right for that to be like that.
"Gah, Obake! NO!"
woman scolded, wiping the ghostly spit from her bangs.
That 'The' should be a 'the'.
That's because what follows the dialogue here (The woman scolded,...) is a continuation of the dialogue itself. It tells us who said it/how it was said, and reads as one sentence together (for instance, it would sound odd if you read that quote as separate sentences complete with pause. ('"Gah, Obake! NO! *beat* The woman scolded, wiping the...' sounds odd and the part following the dialogue would not sound right by itself). Hence there's no need to capitalise 'the' there as it is not truly the first word in the sentence.
Though, after a few moments of its foolish dancing about, it followed Joan into her room and mimicked sitting on her bed, watching her intently as she packed potions, revives, and berries in her purse, and pulled her hair back into a ponytail.
This sounded a bit odd in starting the sentence with 'Though'. I feel it's better just as 'After a few moments...' Maybe it would be an idea to split this sentence into two as well as it's somewhat of a run on sentence. A lot is going on (dances for a bit, follows into room, mimes sitting, watches her back various things, fixes hair).
The Pokemon that it often contained had been held it it for what felt like decades.
This sentence sounds a bit confusing and could use rewording. I'm not really sure what is being said.
A few mistakes, but nothing major really. Just watch out for those things. Good luck with the rest of your fic!
A Pokemon Webzine?
Pokemon Go - goes onto mobile!
Check The Fandex!
Browse/upload fanart of Pokemon!
View Public Profile
Send a private message to bobandbill
Find all posts by bobandbill
Find threads started by bobandbill