Twisting Fate of a Girl and Spinarak
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January 2nd, 2013 (2:49 PM). Edited January 2nd, 2013 by Maced.
Join Date: Oct 2012
Hello, Volcanix769, after reading your story I prepared a nice little review for you here. So let's get right to it, shall we?
The bolded and italic sentences are my corrections.
Valor Lakefront. Even though it's located a bit farfrom those populous cities that you get to visit, it's rather peaceful in nature...
You jumped from 3rd person to 2nd person by including the word "you" in the sentence. I appreciate you’re trying to include the reader into the story, but I think the narratives go better in 1st or 3rd person. The sentence quoted above could simply be fixed by using the word "people" instead of "you".
You should know that I am always in behavior in Sinnoh...
But it was one tranquil morning in the middle of April. In one of the hotels, there lied one brunette girl that sleeps peacefully in her comfy, white bed.
In one of the hotels, there lay a brunette girl that slept peacefully in her comfty white bed. [No comma needed.]
The story seems to jump from present to past tense a lot,and on a personal preference of mine, it's a big no-no. Present tense stories are harder to write and most of the time they sound a tad awkward if not written properly. I liked how the story was going in past tense. Some of the words should be changed to fit a past tense story.
flying around as they chant happily
Then an idea pops in her head.
She turned her head towards her master,
who held a
that has her arm holding her
embedded with crystals,
in her arm
Those were merely examples of changing the structure of the sentence to fit a past tense story. Notice how quoted sentence above sounded much better than it did in the present tense structured sentence. This is why a lot of people tend to write in past tense.
Melissa smiled as she looked at Libra, but she then glanced at her Vulpix that's named Vulpes
Melissa smiled as she looked at Libra, but then glanced at Vulpes, her Vulpix.
Somehow the orginal sentence, for lack of a better term, stupefied me. You didn't need to include "she" because we (the readers) already know that it's Melissa who glanced over because it's in the same sentence.
Melissa looked at Lisa's dismal face and her black hair that barely shrouds her green eyes.
I want to use this sentence as an example to a point. You seem to write one-liner descriptive sentences in the story, which overall negatively impacts it. Why is Lisa's face dismal? Can you explain? These are the little things, in my opinion, that make a story, not just telling us their face is dismal. In other words, show, don't tell.
WHAT!?" Melissa yelled.
"What?" Melissa questioned in disbelief.
The orginal sentence is grammatically incorrect. You can't really place an exclamation point and a question mark in the same place. I understand that is slang that some people use to make what they wrote sound sort of surprising and infuriating. That's why you need description to show what kind of tone they used. Also, it doesn't help to capitalize it either. It makes it seem rather childish and not serious.
I did enjoy Melissa's characterization quite a bit, but somehow I feel she could have been conveyed a little better. She's an aspiring coordinator that just came in sixth place in a previous contest. She also has a rival named Jessie, who seems to share some history with her mother. There were a few ideas that you needed to expand on, but for the most part this is a solid, well-thought out story. The history brought her to life, which I enjoyed the most.
Here's another idea you could have expanded on.
Hey….. So I was wondering…. Did you get a dangerous boyfriend in the Sinnoh Region?"
Why would the first thing she say to her daughter be, where's your boyfriend? It's pretty comical to read about these situations.This could have been a great place to put in some humor, if you wanted.
You should try to be more descriptive and work on expanding your ideas for the next chapter. That's all the time I have for today.
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