Eyes of the Storm [Rated T]
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January 3rd, 2013 (04:04 PM). Edited January 3rd, 2013 by InkFrog.
Join Date: Dec 2012
Aaaaahhh my first review here! @u@ And such an awesome and thorough one too! D: Thank you very much for everything! I do want to respond to some of your comments (though I will bow to most of your grammar suggestions. I will admit I am not the best speller or grammar uh, user...)
As it stands, it almost feels like Ian being blind is a secondary component in the story, because it's as rich in visual description as if it were about a fully sighted character instead. There are parts where this trend is reversed, like this...
-cut out quotes out for brevity's sake-
and moments like these are actually much stronger than any of the more visually-oriented passages. It's exciting and it's different to see through Ian's eyes, to use a potentially problematic metaphor, and I think the difference between this being a good story - which it undoubtedly is - and a great one would be making greater use of the fantastic resource you've given yourself in a blind protagonist. It'd be wonderful to see it come to the fore a little - for instance, if we didn't already know the Rattata was shiny, it would have a powerful impact on the reader indeed to learn that it was so several chapters later, perhaps, when someone sighted mentions it. 'All that time, and we never knew...' they would think. And suchlike.
Okay about the visual versus blind thing. It is something I've struggled with very much with how much to put in with restricting what I tell the reader only to what Ian perceives. Firstly, I will agree that I might need a little more descriptions of his blindness, but I am not bothered by the fact that it's secondary like you said. It is a major part of Ian's life, but I didn't want to go out and have a blind character that was defined SOLEY by his blindness. I didn't want to bang readers over the head with it, or be constantly reminding them that he was blind. I think that it's much more important to treat Ian like any other trainer character you would see, and focus much more on his thoughts and reactions as you would a seeing trainer. There are plans in a later chapter where he gets to discuss with someone how he perceives the world being blind and how it has affected him and his desire to go on a journey, so it's not ignored, but I don't want it to be the utter focus of the story and all his characterization either. Perhaps I am leaning a bit too far in the other direction, I certainly don't want to sweep it under the rug either, but I have put thought into whether or not I should confine the narrative to only what Ian can guess.
The other reason for the semi-mixed perspective when it comes to description is just for reader clairity and comfort. Most readers can see, and many people like visuals to imagine and it's sort of expected of stories to describe visual details. I didn't want to deprive the readers of the visual yummies just because Ian was, because as I mentioned before, the goal of the story isn't so much to go "LOOK HE IS BLIND THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BLIND" so much as it's a story about a trainer who just
to be blind. For a while I actually did try to go strictly by sound and touch as Ian would (which comes through in the first chapter and the inspection of the rapidash) but as an entire storytelling technique I felt it left things muddled and unclear, and needing Ian to interpret everything to sell the readers on what was happening turns into too much telling as opposed to showing in my opinion. I'm sure a greater writer than me could pull it off, but I had much difficulty and it left my story looking anemic >3<;; I do still try to add in surprises and still present Ian as not being in tune to the visual descriptions though. Also, for the rattata. He does become a larger part of the story and a more important character later on, and I wanted a distinctive way of identifying him from the beginning, so that there would be no confusion between him and his purple siblings and who did what when. Otherwise, I TOTALLY would've let it be a reveal at the end of the story.
Now look you've got me rambling too >.<
I would say that the realization that Ian is blind, though, would be a splendid ending for the chapter, giving it a real punch and setting the reader up to expect great things ahead. As it is, it sits in the middle of the chapter as a strong point, but perhaps not as powerful as it might be.
Actually, it originally WAS the ending of the first chapter, and I'll agree that I like it a lot as the end. However, the entire point of the first chapter is pretty much to introduce Ian as a character, but in addition to his blindness the situation surrounding the pokerus outbreak in the grasslands, and why he did not have a pokemon with him as well. It was hard to get all of it into his brief escape from the house, which is why I had him run into Maggie outside. I also felt it gave him a second, more personal farewell to his parents, actually spoken aloud, which I felt was important because I wanted to make it clear that even though he was running away from home, he didn't hate his parents or family.
Aaaaaand most of the other stuff is nitpicky grammar and such, so I don't feel the need to explain my perspective for those other to say, "Oops you're probably right about all that."
Thank you very much for reviewing the story! You gave me a lot to think about concerning trying to balance Ian's blindness out a bit more in the narration and maybe re-writing the ending of chapter one because I agree that ending with the reveal tastes so much sweeter than what I have now. >.> Food for thought in any case and if you have any suggestions for some of the problems I was wrestling with would be awesome and I would love to hear them! :D
Thank youuuuu! <3
My current rps!
Sam Heights in
Jack Mesa in Ultimate Tournament
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