Thread: [Pokémon] Eyes of the Storm [Rated T]
View Single Post
Old January 3rd, 2013 (4:43 PM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 21
Nature: Impish
Posts: 1,030
Originally Posted by InkFrog View Post
Aaaaahhh my first review here! @u@ And such an awesome and thorough one too! D: Thank you very much for everything! I do want to respond to some of your comments (though I will bow to most of your grammar suggestions. I will admit I am not the best speller or grammar uh, user...)
Not at all. I like to help.

Originally Posted by InkFrog View Post
Okay about the visual versus blind thing. It is something I've struggled with very much with how much to put in with restricting what I tell the reader only to what Ian perceives. Firstly, I will agree that I might need a little more descriptions of his blindness, but I am not bothered by the fact that it's secondary like you said. It is a major part of Ian's life, but I didn't want to go out and have a blind character that was defined SOLEY by his blindness. I didn't want to bang readers over the head with it, or be constantly reminding them that he was blind. I think that it's much more important to treat Ian like any other trainer character you would see, and focus much more on his thoughts and reactions as you would a seeing trainer. There are plans in a later chapter where he gets to discuss with someone how he perceives the world being blind and how it has affected him and his desire to go on a journey, so it's not ignored, but I don't want it to be the utter focus of the story and all his characterization either. Perhaps I am leaning a bit too far in the other direction, I certainly don't want to sweep it under the rug either, but I have put thought into whether or not I should confine the narrative to only what Ian can guess.
Perfectly reasonable. I don't mean to say you should beat the reader over the head with it, although I may have given that impression, I guess, given how long I spent talking about it. (That's just because I like to write down my thoughts, to be honest.) I just meant it might be nice to see it become a little more of a focus - not the sole focus, and not necessarily the main focus either, but more of one. It's a great excuse to pull off some neat techniques that you might not be able to do in other circumstances, and I guess because I would relish the chance to do that I got slightly carried away with it. I'm not here to force you to write the story the same way I would, just to suggest a couple of alterations.

Originally Posted by InkFrog View Post
Also, for the rattata. He does become a larger part of the story and a more important character later on, and I wanted a distinctive way of identifying him from the beginning, so that there would be no confusion between him and his purple siblings and who did what when. Otherwise, I TOTALLY would've let it be a reveal at the end of the story.
Yes... It would have been great to realise that the Rattata we'd been reading about for the last however many chapters was a shiny, and we never knew it... There's still a chance, you know. You gave him a distinctive missing whisker - he could be the three-whiskered Rattata. Ah, never mind... I'm grasping at straws here.

Originally Posted by InkFrog View Post
Now look you've got me rambling too >.<
Well, y'know, the more the merrier.

Originally Posted by InkFrog View Post
Actually, it originally WAS the ending of the first chapter, and I'll agree that I like it a lot as the end. However, the entire point of the first chapter is pretty much to introduce Ian as a character, but in addition to his blindness the situation surrounding the pokerus outbreak in the grasslands, and why he did not have a pokemon with him as well. It was hard to get all of it into his brief escape from the house, which is why I had him run into Maggie outside. I also felt it gave him a second, more personal farewell to his parents, actually spoken aloud, which I felt was important because I wanted to make it clear that even though he was running away from home, he didn't hate his parents or family.
Yes, I can see that. And of course I know there was more to that first chapter than just introducing Ian, and I'm not saying you ought to cut out the part that comes after the reveal, but it would make a splendid ending, if you ever consider reworking it.

Originally Posted by InkFrog View Post
Thank you very much for reviewing the story! You gave me a lot to think about concerning trying to balance Ian's blindness out a bit more in the narration and maybe re-writing the ending of chapter one because I agree that ending with the reveal tastes so much sweeter than what I have now. >.> Food for thought in any case and if you have any suggestions for some of the problems I was wrestling with would be awesome and I would love to hear them! :D

Thank youuuuu! <3
^_^ Not at all. Like I said, I like to help. I'm sorry I didn't make myself clearer about what I meant by the whole visual/aural description thing... I do have a tendency to get carried away, particularly when I'm on the scent of an unusual stylistic opportunity, and that's what happened here. You have my apologies for that, but, well, no harm done.

Good luck with your future endeavours!


For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
Reply With Quote