Journey Around Kaylen
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January 4th, 2013 (10:08 AM).
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lisbon, Capital of Randomness
Leikaru, your story is fine, but there are some major issues that you want to avoid before putting it to appreciation here in the boards. The first thing is that your narrative seems a little rushed, don't you think? Maybe you were out of ideas or you wanted to get to the point that quickly, but reading a text like that makes us (readers) fell an incredible emptiness... Why did Prof. Pine give a Lucario to Jamie? What makes him special? Why is he "the chosen one"? Out of nowhere you put Pine handling him a "powerful" Pokémon just after Jamie woke up. In my opinion, there are major lacks in this part of the text...
In the second chapter I think you could improve more the description of the battle, giving more details and that kind of stuff that makes us (readers) get stuck to your text. And why is a Pokédex saying: "Roughneck Baldy would like to battle."? Doesn't the trainer have a mouth lol? Specially a roughneck... I was expecting him to bully Jamie or something like that.
I look further to read the next chapter and know what kind of enemies is Jamie going to face!
"Over the harsh nudity of truth - the diaphanous robe of fantasy"
The Relic, Eça de Queiroz
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