Zanas's Fired Red Nuzlocke
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January 7th, 2013, 12:18 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Originally Posted by
The title was what caught my eye with this. Do you mean to have that "d" at the end of "Fire"?
There are actually a lot of typos in this. Do you read over your chapters when you finish them before you post? That might catch a lot of the typos, along with having someone else look over it before posting to catch anything you might have missed. Fixing up the typos would make this easier to read because readers won't be stumbling over strange-looking words.
Another thing is that you tend to cram a lot of information into one or two sentences. Like here:
I had to read through this part several times to realize that not only are you listing what Catherine is wearing, but also describing what a Pokeball looks like and how she styles her hair. There are a few solutions to this. One thing is to interweave the description in with the action. Like, for a really quick example: "She pulled her silver jacket tighter around her. Despite the heat of the spectators, her strapless black top couldn't keep her warm on its own."
(I'd also say that I'm not sure if that's the typical gear of a trainer. Most tend to wear long pants, which are better suited for traveling. And not many trainers dye their hair or wear armbands.)
Another solution to that paragraph is to think about what's really necessary to tell the readers. For instance, right now I'd say that it's not really important to know what Catherine wore when she was younger. What would be important is the fact that Allin wears a fedora, so that when you mention that Zanas wears one as well, the reader can make a connection.
Onto Zanas as a character, I'm not sure how he feels about his ability to talk to Pokemon. He doesn't like people calling him a freak for it, but he doesn't really go out of his way to hide it. He's openly arguing with a Rattata in front of people, including someone he's never seen before. It's just weird that he doesn't try to hide it, since the ability could get him very unwanted attention.
Your story does have a different start to it other than a character waking up to be a trainer. There's just quite a few grammar issues to clean up. I'll wait for more chapters to see how you handle Zanas's journey.
yes i regularly have someone re read through my story and i definatly accept the criticism. The prologue i didn't have any look at but since then I have. i am if, anything a very novice writer which is why i wanna tell this story so that i can grow as one. as for the fire, no it wasnt but i kept it cause it sounded neat to me. as for describing the Pokeball i just kindsa blanked on doing so. The excuse is that everyone knows that it looks like but honestly i just didn't think of it. thanks again and i hope i keep your attention and entertainment. And for now yes he feels like a freak but he isnt about to change or hide this ability as it wouldnt do him any good. ill touch up on that fact later on though.
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