A Safe Haven
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January 25th, 2013 (03:41 AM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Can't say I expected you to start a fic, Manipulation. Hurrah! =p
The start is a solid enough basis to introducing the character as well as the region, although one problem you have is that compared to the usual trainer fic in which the trainer wakes up, goes to lab, picks Pokemon and starts adventure the only thing offered that would put it different from the norm is the fact it's in a fanmade region with fakemon. The writing is fine although there are some comments I'll make on it, but the premise itself is rather standard. Granted, what happens later may change that, but the beginning thus far is somewhat routine for this sort of fic. Just something to keep in mind I suppose
I initially got a touch confused with the fact that the Granite/Gralite names were pretty similar, so I feel that Granite's name could have been different for the sake of clarity there (and later if Gralite comes up again which I presume it will).
cracked on a typical Voultan morning.
glazed the coastal town’s seafront with a beautiful sparkle; a spectacular view was made even better.
brown mountains shone into a shade of caramel brown. Two houses reside in Atlantic Town, these red topped houses include two stories and traditional styled foundations; however, there are two other buildings in Atlantic Town, one is a limestone building topped off with a gray roof; this is Professor Marsh’s laboratory.
other is blocked off by a large tree that can only be cut down by a Pokémon, unfortunately no trainers with strong enough Pokémon reside in Atlantic Town and it has done nothing but grow larger and bushier; hidden behind here is a brown roofed Pokémon Gym.
I feel the problem that cropped up the most was your tendency to repeat words or phrases, and the way you start sentences. With the latter, 'The' was used to start four sentences out of five which makes it sound more like a list of events rather than a story. Try to mix it up a little bit more.
With 'The sun' twice in a row it just adds to the above problem as that's a phrase rather than just the starting word. It also can be avoided; as you talked about the sun in the first sentence, you could have just gone with 'It glazed the...' for the second sentence and help with that problem.
I am a bit unsure with your usage of semi-colons as well. They are more to tie together two sentences together on the same subject (so you can say "The dog was big; and angry too." but not "The dog was big; I walked on.") Although in this sentence I suppose you could say this is the case, using it twice really drags out the sentence a lot and makes it more of a run on than anything. Try splitting it up into a couple or few instead. The last sentence is certainly a run on as the comma before unfortunately doesn't work in joining the two parts nicely, and the semicolon after it doesn't work too well (joining talking about the trainers and tree, and a gym behind it seems a bit of a stretch).
a young Blue haired male was led fast asleep in his bed,
Sometimes you capitalise words that shouldn't be, such as blue here. It is a colour and not a proper now, so it should have a small b.
“Strinder what do you think you’re doing?!” Granite shouted as he reached out his left arm as to rub his head. A large lump was beginning to appear on the back of Granite’s head, Granite was rubbing the lump in an attempt to soothe the spot of his swelling.
A comma after 'Strinder' could be used as he is addressing the Pokemon by name and so a pause would occur in speech (hence the comma in the dialogue).
'A large lump', and 'the lump' was another case of repetition that I feel could be avoided the second time around. After all, we know what is being talked about already so saying 'Granite was rubbing it in an....' would work (if still seem a bit over explanative after it too in why he did it). I would also split up the sentence and adjust the latter half with tenses. Before it you are in the past (shouted, reached) and then sort of go to present (rubbing). The wording is a touch awkward.
Granite stared across his room to the right hand where a large grandfather clock was situated. Granite had been given the Grandfather clock as a parting gift from his brother whom had left home not too long ago; however, the clock was not agenda, what was, though, was the time.
'grandfather', especially when it was referred to as such in the previous sentence. The last sentence also sounds awkward due to the continuation via the semi colon (at first you are talking about the clock's history, and then the fact that he was looking at the time which isn't directly related but only somewhat so). Something like '...not too long ago. However the clock was not the agenda, but rather the time was what attracted his attention' or somesuch.
Granite wore two tops, one was a red polo shirt and the other was a white jacket that was worn over the top of the red polo. Granite’s shoes were plain and in the same red shade as his polo shirt; however, his trousers were a completely different colour, they were dark blue tight jeans that showed off his tight figure.
Same deal with the last sentence being too long and run on with the semicolons and commas. It's also better to try to spread out this description throughout the story rather than do all the clothes description in one go, as it slows down the story. Try to mix it in with actions (e.g. say if you want to describe his shoes, mention them as he ties them. His hair; say he looks in a mirror and combs the brown long hair of his, etc etc. That way something is happening at the same time, even if it is minor, and so the story keeps moving).
Granite looked down and discovered he had stepped on his backpack, his backpack contained a lunchbox, which was now broken as a result of Granite stepping on it.[
/QUOTE]This is another case of repeating or explaining, rather, too much. You establish there is a backpack that was stepped on, and then follow that what was inside the backpack was broken because he stepped on it. The last five words of my last sentence and the second reference to a backpack can be dropped as it's already obvious to the reader that it is the case. Again as well, try to break up sentences some more. E.g here: ''Granite looked down and discovered he had stepped on his backpack. It had contained a lunchbox which now was nothing more than a few pieces of broken plastic.''
‘Ah, you must be Granite!’ Exclaimed the old man as he looked at the young blue haired boy.
One last thing! With dialogue, if what follows the dialogue continues the sentence (that is, it 'flows on' by for instance telling us how it was said or who said it) then you ought to treat it all as one sentence and hence go with exclaimed, not Exclaimed. (Otherwise it is like using a Capital in the middle of a Sentence, which is wrong like so). For sake of examples:
"Hello," said the man.
"Hello!" said the man.
"Hello." Then the man jumped.
You cannot use full stops in dialogue either unless what follows is a new sentence, but stuff like ! and etc is fine. (For another way to identify what to us, read the part following the dialogue. 'Said the man' sounds odd as a sentence by itself, so it can't work as its own sentence due to referring to something else like that).
Despite all the crit it is a decent start. It just needs a bit of cleaning up with various aspects of grammar is all. Good luck with your fic!
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