Foresee my dreams
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March 13th, 2013 (5:32 AM).
Do the Wess dance!
Central Coast - Australia
Welcome to the forums, Ravenyte!
Neat start with the story there. =) More sense of what the characters are like compared to many of the first chapters of general 'new trainer' fics out there. The moment of Mina accepting the Budew was particularly cute. =) Her excitement for getting a new Pokemon was clear too and helped lead up to that moment I thought, and so it worked well.
The description was nice too. It gave a good idea of what she looked like, although I'll maintain that the bit with Budew still wins out thus far. I'm a bit of a sucker for cute pokemon like that. =p
And I also laughed at the mention of the Bidoof swarm as well. Nice joke there!
Something to look out for are a few grammar mistakes. Small things like missing a space around 'bidoof' can also distract a bit from the story as well, so try a proofread to catch those sort of errors. A few things I'll point out specifically:
But one particular girl from Sinnoh had a dream which was common throughout most 10 year olds, a dream to go on an adventure.
Generally numbers smaller than 100 should be written out with letters, so ten rather than 10.
The girl, (who was called Mina)
It is better to include such facts without using brackets, as it can disrupt the flow of the story. In other words, it can sound like the narrator is pausing the story to tell us something, which is a form of 'breaking the fourth wall' (directly addressing the audience). It can work, but I don't think is serves any special purpose here.
Her mother met her from her Bus stop as she always did, to walk her home.
A bus (or bus stop) isn't a proper noun so there's no need to capitalise it.
"Happy birthday, honey." Her mother said to her and smiled.
Your punctuation around dialogue was a bit inconsistent, but at any rate... only use a full stop in dialogue if the sentence ends there. Furthermore, if what follows the dialogue 'flows on' so to speak (ie continues the sentence, e.g. by telling us who said the dialogue/how it was said) then treat the whole part as a sentence rather than two, and so go without the full stop or the capitalised Her. In other words:
"Happy birthday, honey," her mother said to her and smiled.
is how you want it. Another way to go about it is to read the part following the dialogue by itself. Does it sound like it could be a sentence all by itself? If not (and here 'Her mother said to her and smiled' doesn't quite sound right by itself as its own sentence) then don't treat it as its own sentence.
This is a potentially confusing part of English, so if you would like more examples on that then ask. For the sake of it:
"Hm! Do you like Pokemon?" Bellowed Prof Rowan. Mina nodded her head vigorously.
'bellowed', because 'Bellowed Prof Rowan' doesn't sound right as its own sentence. Even if it is an imo apt way to describe how he talks. =p (On a very last note, Professor may be better to use; save the more casual Prof for dialogue).
Nothing too hard to fix though! Good luck with the rest of your story; do post more!
Back by popular demand. And in red!
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The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
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