I'm someone who's really interested in both mapping and story. From your screenies, the mapping looks poor and unrefined (maybe try asking for advice in the screenshot thread, or look for references as a "starting point" for your own maps). The story also appears undeveloped and reflects more of an alpha version than a beta, for the same reasons already given by other individuals who have already posted.
I'm also seeing a few grammar errors in the screenies; being an English major, it's perhaps more bothersome to me than it might be for others.
Suggestions: have someone edit your text and reorganize your thread so the story is clearer and more detailed. Sort these details out yourself and edit your post accordingly.
Also, like I've already said, you should post maps in the screenie thread as to receive valuable feedback. If a game's mapping is poor, it'll turn a lot of people off :(
Good luck; I'll come back later and see if there's any progress.