Hoenn RéBURST [M] [OOC + SU]
View Single Post
April 6th, 2013 (1:02 PM).
Resident Yuri-ism Cult Leader
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: In your pantry, eatin' your delicious cake.
Originally Posted by
Sorry I disappeared. It was spring break this week, so yeah. Where can I jump in?
Hereto, you're still fighting Brotad! I left you a VM with the most recent Brotad response. :3
Originally Posted by
Name: (Self-explanatory) Nathan Lee
Age: (13-18) 14
Gender: (Male/Female) male
Appearance: (What your character looks like) light blue and long hair, quite scraggy and messed up. His complexion is young and has a few freckles. He wears a black t-shirt, with a purple fleecy, and bright blue chinos, along with white trainers.
Personality: (How your character acts) He believes that all life has meaning to it, wether its a bad person, and no-one should suffer. He looks up to Team G(something sorry) as he feels like they could stop suffering, even if it does cost a few lives. Nathan is cool headed and calm in rough situations, he wants to prove to the world that he is more than just 'Nathan'
History: (Your character’s back story, tell us about how they grew up and where, things they’ve experienced etc.) Nath never had any friends and was often bullied. He grew up with a good family which unfortunately died due to a pack of wild mighteyena's. He has ever since been afraid of them. He was taken to Littleroot town and was adopted by Mr Corosska, a nice man, but Nath was allways hesitant to get to know him. He has had a tough life.
... Yeah, no. Sorry, but you really have to knock it up a few notches for it to be acceptable. You even somehow forgot Team Gaia's name; it's four letters long! If you're using
as an example of what you should try to achieve,
, however, is a good example of the minimum we're looking for. Also, separated categories.
The appearance is extremely bare. I don't even have the slightest visual of what he's supposed to look like. All I can see right now is a stick figure with anime hair.
The personality needs serious expansion past "he sees good in everything".
I see the history now, and it's completely incongruent with the personality. If he never had friends, and was bullied on a regular basis, and his PARENTS. DIED,
why in the world does he have such a /positive/ outlook?
If wild Pokémon are what killed his parents, why would he even want one? Just... just no, okay?
I'm sorry, but you'll have to change this SU quite a lot. I honestly don't doubt that you can do it — I think you really can put out a well-made character (that doesn't contradict itself so blatantly) — but as it is now, it's far from being accepted.
I'd also like to suggest that you get a proofreader. If you don't have Microsoft Word,
is an absolutely wonderful free alternative.
Heart of Soul
I will be moving my account to
over the course of immediately. The signature will stay as is for posterity and reference.
View Public Profile
Send a private message to TornZero
Find all posts by TornZero
Find threads started by TornZero