> Inform the Unknown Beastie that you are armed, so you are, with a Hideously Dangerous Stabby Thing and furthermore, you object to being ordered around like some sort of craven servant. One more arrogant demand and you'll wallop it with the two-hundred-kilo crab claw.
> Remember that you were physically incapable of even shifting said crab claw, let alone engaging in any walloping with it.
> Make a comical Oh Crap face and begin slowly backing away.
[off-topic: I love this idea, but I love the execution even more. Seriously. I just hoovered up all ten pages like a sentient vacuum cleaner and I'm still not sated. SO WRITE MORE PLEASE THANK YOU :D]