Painite Chronicles Vol. 1
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April 11th, 2013 (11:29 PM).
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Your story goes by
too fast. Vincent wakes up in a forest and seems to accept pretty quickly that he can't remember a thing. There's no hesitation on his part about that, and he doesn't seem to really react when he gets any clue about his past. He just keeps moving. A lot happened in these four chapters, and as a reader it's a lot to take in because there's no slow-down. Vincent never takes a break, so the reader can't, and it's just a lot to take in at once.
Another thing that I noticed is that your Pokemon battle descriptions are very...technical. They read exactly as the video game reads, right down to the Pokemon's HP being in the red. Those terms are fine for the games, but in stories, you're not writing about data. You're writing about creatures that are walking and reacting in a world that's real to them. So Raichu's HP isn't in the red. Raichu's not able to run as fast, his fur is black in places where he's burned, there's a few cuts staining his fur red with blood. Zangoose doesn't use Scratch. He charges at Sentret, claws held ready, tearing into his opponent's body with all the strength he can muster. You want to make Pokemon battles exciting to read about because they should be exciting to your characters. It's much more interesting to read about how the Pokemon move during battle than just simple technical terms that most people ignore by smashing the A button.
There's a good mystery here, and it's going to be interesting to see what Vincent can uncover about his past and why he can't remember a thing. The two issues that I pointed out, if you improve on them, can make your story a little easier to get into. Good luck!
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