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Old April 12th, 2013, 06:26 PM
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Maced
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: U.S.A
Gender: Male
Quote:
There's a bit of clunkiness in some of the wording. You repeat 'hiking up' and 'the hill' in the first two sentences, very close together, for instance; it doesn't help that the way the formatting's worked out (on this theme at least) has placed the repeated words almost right underneath one another.
First drafts are always bad, but I wasn't aware of what you pointed out. Thanks, Cutlerine! I don't care what Eric's story is, as long as you keep that witty narrative voice leading me the rest of the story. That was very good.
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