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Old April 14th, 2013 (04:04 PM).
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Nolafus Nolafus is offline
I think I'm getting the hang of it
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Posts: 4,354
This is an interesting little story and I enjoyed it. It's definitely different from all the other stories that focus on pokemon as if it were in real life. That being said I do have a couple critiques.

The story jumps around a lot and it's hard to follow your progress in the game. I wouldn't mind a little longer story if it patched up a couple of missing parts.

Make sure to start a new line whenever a new character speaks. It helps with making the story look more inviting to read and makes it easier to read.

You've got a nice little story on here with a unique twist most writers never think about. I just want you to get the most out of this story.
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