Johto Future: Legend of the Three Shadows
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April 25th, 2013, 09:01 PM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Hey there! I saw that you haven't received any reviews yet, so I decided to drop by and check your story out. I only had time right now to read the first two chapters, but I figured that would be enough to make some comments on
There's not much on the actual story I can comment on. Shade seems like a hardcore character, taking plunges off cliffs with only a Sneasel to help him. That's really all to say about him in the first two chapters, since I'm not sure what the Shadows are and why he wants to join them (and why his mother is against him joining). I know you gave a physical description of Shade, but when it's listed like that, it's hard to keep in mind while reading everything else. A way to improve that is to include the description in the narration, like "Shade adjusted his orange cloak" or something like that.
Another thing I noticed was that there were quite a few grammar mistakes. Some are misses in punctuation or words, while others are sentences put together oddly. Like this one:
He was tired-clearly but a large grin had been worn proudly on his face.
I'm not sure why there's a hyphen between "tired" and "clearly", for one thing. But this is an oddly worded sentence. To me, it sounds better as
He was clearly tired, but he wore a proud grin on his face.
That just reads better to me. There are other sentences like that. I'll point out a few, and how I would reword them.
Its arms , claws touching it's feline-ish mouth before flailing open again releasing a powerful blue vortex at the ground beneath them.
"The feline-like Pokemon touched its claws to its mouth before flailing open again, releasing a[...]"
The ground now bare was now surrounded by a circle of thin ice.
"The ground, once bare, was now surrounded by a circle of thin ice."
One last piece of advice I can give is to create a new paragraph when someone new talks. Their dialogue should be separated from each others. Like
He looked to Xiz, who'd hopped atop his mother's shoulder. "How's it look Xiz?"
Xiz looked at him and smirked "Snee snee, Snee snee!"
Mom was cheerful. "I think he likes it."
Shade nodded, he'd barely noticed that his fellow citizens had approached, the first of which was Gym Leader Roy his old mentor. He extended his hand, though hesitant, Shade did so too, clasping Roy's.
"Congratulations Shade, you are officially a Trainer of Mahogany Town" Roy said. He handed his a small data card, "insert it into your Pokegear, it will take your personal information stored in the device, and serve as your official trainer card. When do you leave for Izagi Town?"
Shade knew his answer, sure as the soon-to-be setting sun, he exclaimed, "in one hour!"
"Snee Snee! Sneeeeee!" echoed Xiz.
Mom was shocked, but she quickly planted her eyes into the ground, "well, I knew this day would come, I made you enough lunches for ten days, all of them are waiting for you."
Shade, looked at her, he knew it was hard for her, he gently kissed her forehead, "Thank you Mom. I'll be sure to call you every evening."
Just like that. It's easier to read that way.
If you need some more help with the grammar and technical side of things, just let me know. I'll even look over your chapters before you post them and give you some advice to make them easier for readers to understand. That way, they won't miss out on your story just because of a few sentences.
Also, if you like, I can read through the rest of your chapters and help you edit those. That way, I can also read more of Shade's story and find out who the Three Shadows are! Keep writing!
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