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Old June 5th, 2013, 05:52 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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I was going to do a review earlier but then you ninja'd me with the next chapter. And then naturally when I got home Astinus ninja'd me too! =p

I do agree that the image is pretty neat there. How'd you make it?

You've made a nice fit of the Pokemon as pirates setting. Shango in particularly is making for a great pirate, if a particularly ruthless one (or is this just commonplace for pirates...hmm). I think that's my favourite part of this story thus far - the characters and their interactions between each other. Switching between Shango and Nickolas is also a nice technique here. The pirate talk at the very beginning was pretty cool too. =)
Quote:
A sprite of fire, she was, a Victini, who was now looking at the clear blue sky in wonder.
The use of commas here seems a bit off somehow... I suppose it might just sound better if you split it up into two sentences or did a bit of rewording after 'she was', is all.
Quote:
Shango snatched her with a swift move and squeezed her, making her exclaim, half in complain half in awe.
complaint.
Quote:
He continued to tickle the little Victini as he left the company of his captain, to head for the poop deck, where the Tyrogue was holding the wheel.
I don't think you need the comma after captain here. It does work, but doesn't seem to be necessary and leaves 'to head for the poop deck' part of the sentence feel too isolated.
Quote:
"Murder on the deck! Mutiny! Mutiny!" He kept screaming, then left the ship to fly to the northwest.
Reminds me of a pirate parrot there.

Keep it up!
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