Thread: [Pokémon] Closed Door
View Single Post
Old June 14th, 2013 (12:52 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus Astinus is offline
Remember NovEnder
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,385
Originally Posted by Bay Alexison View Post
Since you have Ash die at the very beginning, am curious your take on this and how much you planned out already.
Not a lot more than that Ash was getting in the way, and the only way for him not to was to kill him. It's always been planned that he'd die, but the way he has in this AU has changed from my first idea.

I know that there are a few changes though.

Thanks, Bay! You're too nice.

Originally Posted by dudebot View Post
Finally, a dark alternate story that doesn't involve Ash being in a coma. And, it's much more logical.
Haha, thanks. While the coma theory does interest me, it's too happy for my writing tastes.

My only critique, and it's slight, is that this didn't feel as tragic as it should have. I mean, the memory of your son walking off in the world with a small mouse and not coming back . . . she should be falling with he back sliding down the wall, failing to hold back the tears rushing down her face. She let her 10 year-old son walk into a world he was unaware of with a Pokemon that didn't fully respect or listen to him. She saw the signs.
I guess my response to this could be that this takes place at least a year-and-a-half since Ash had died. So Delia wasn't as distraught by Ash's death as she would have been when it first happened, but it's a dull pain that stays with her. And she would have stopped Ash from leaving on his journey, since it is a dangerous world out there (that she also probably knows well from Ash's father being gone), but that wouldn't make her son happy. So she let him go.

There's more to this (the story's looking to be part of a much larger chapter), so hopefully that will be better. And I'll revisit this then and work on Delia's emotions more to make them stronger.

Thanks, dudebot. I'll keep your review in mind for future improvements!
Reply With Quote