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Old June 16th, 2013, 04:32 AM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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A party-less life is indeed a sad one. :<

I liked the sense of hope Connor had as he waited and daydreamed there. It helped the impact of the ending there. I also agree with Astinus that you should write more. =p

I do also agree that using the clothing as a way to refer to characters is a bit odd. Sometimes you repeated phrases too (e.g. the man behind the desk twice early on), and the Charlemagne/Charles bit seemed a bit unnecessary.

Quote:
He placed the folder on Charlemagne’s table and said, “There you are Charles.”
Should have a comma before Charles, as he's being addressed by name there.
Quote:
The way the stamps were placed makes it impossible to see what is written on them which
I'd say made it impossible (rather than makes), and remove the last which.
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