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June 16th, 2013 (5:44 AM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
I've seen this sort of story done before, and I think I prefer your version of it. More emotional impact with it, felt more personal and engaging with Jimmy's thoughts. A good job on the logic-applied take on battles. Even if blood and squished organs isn't a topic I'm too fond to read about usually. =p More stories of the sort isn't a bad idea either to take up there.
It hurt, but he couldn't focus on the painful sensation that his nerves sent to the brain.
Minor, maybe 'his brain' is another way to consider writing it, but works both ways fine.
"I'm so sorry!" The trainer cried exuberantly.
Here though, 'The' should be 'the'.
The young trainer had long ran off to grab a nurse
This relates to the previous quote. At first it sounded like this was right after it had happened, when they were both at the battle, but now the trainer had already run off, which seems odd to me.
Despite those nitpicks I liked this. =)
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