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Old July 5th, 2013 (7:26 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,680
I glanced over your story, and noticed that you tend to rush things along.

To start with, your main character just heads outside in the middle of the night. Why? Did he hear a noise? Did Riolu perhaps call out for help and Adraer was the only one to respond? Why would he do the (supposedly stupid) thing and head outside in the darkness where he's nearly killed?

It's the same with his mother. She takes one quick look at Riolu and kicks her son out of the house. Was that just typical motherly over-protectiveness? The way the story is written, it seems as if Riolu is still in Adraer's shirt, so how could the mother see what it was?

Then Adraer runs to the next town over (I believe so, since the story says that he ran to the town, and not just onto the streets of) and just happens to crash into the one person who can help him. It's a big coincidence that that happened to him. Personally, I love seeing my characters struggle, so if I was writing this, Adraer would have had to do a lot of searching, getting yelled at by people scared of Riolu, and other fun things to make his life painful before the professor entered the scene.

So just take your time and when you finish writing a scene, look back and see if there's anything that needs to be explained. Maybe it isn't important to know why Adraer's mother kicked him out of the house, but knowing just why the kid is wandering around in the middle of the field during the night could be.
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