The Tale of a Wanderer
View Single Post
July 12th, 2013 (6:00 PM).
Was having trouble sleeping so thought i'd review the latest fic - very glad i did so! I want this to continue so i thought i would post some feedback
Overall a very nice read - kept me engaged and hooked throughout the chapter and the prologue. I very much liked the story and the use of the countdown for each shift in scene.
A few minor things i'll say about the first chapter, suggestions that you by no means have to take on board. I'll use spoilers in case anyone accidentally sees this before they read it -
The laboratory is never properly described - it might help to paint a picture in the reader's mind , particularly concerning the scenes with the egg in stasis, and the battles that ensue between robert and the pokemon in there. It's difficult to build up a picture when so much happens so quickly - perhaps establishing an image of the location before beginning the action will help with the reader being able to imagine it more clearly?
Also Dragonite is a ferocious, powerful character - his death on the other hand is swift and fleeting - it is possible to miss the event. For such a behemoth perhaps a longer more descriptive demise might help fortify this characteristic. That's not to say i didn't like the turn - the aftermath of his death is very well done.
Finally, i believe if you were to expand on Typhlosions "inwardness" and reserved character it could help with the imagining of his journey through the crown Mountains.
I look forward to reading more, and in reading this i have thought of some ways i can improve my writing style - as you can tell by my review i love description, however, this doesn't mean that small description can't be enough - this is just my opinion
Pokémon: A Tale of Loyalty Vol. I
The Lightning American
Joined Jul 2013
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Lowstah
Find all posts by Lowstah
Find threads started by Lowstah
Ignore Posts by Lowstah