The Rainbow Connection [LGBTS Club]
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July 29th, 2013 (05:31 AM).
Nine Inch Nails
Join Date: Jul 2013
Might as well post in this thread to tie any loose ends that may have been caused by my vehement protectiveness over such an issue... oh, and sorry for throwing this off-topic. Apologies.
I am a double package. My sexual orientation is bisexual and I'm transgender: I'm biologically male (*shakes fist*) but identify as female, and I have felt this way for over five years (and looking back, I was exhibiting signs of some sort of 'deviation' from extreme youth). I started screaming to the world that I was a girl when I was around 10 years old, and I received overwhelmingly negative reception from my parents (who cited 'puberty blues' or whatever) and from my academic peers (who considered me a complete freak). I was deeply hurt by this reaction and locked myself back in the closet at the end of the year and just hoped everything would die down and everybody would forget about it. To my happiness (and surprise), nobody seemed to remember the next year; my peers forgot all about it and my parents never mentioned it again. Of course, inwardly, I perceived myself as female more strongly than I ever had before.
In Year 7 (when I was around 12 years old), I attempted to come out again, this time to my parents. Unfortunately, a note addressed to my mother was intercepted by my father and I was taken to his office where I was calmly and coolly (but firmly) told off about 'scaring' and 'upsetting' my family's balance with such 'rubbish' and that it was all 'part of a phase'. Clearly, my father had forgotten about my vehement assertions a few years back, but I resolved to just throw myself as far into the closet as possible; I was still scarred from Year 5 and I did not want the same -- or a worse -- reaction from my parents and peers who wouldn't have known me from Adam. I feel I did a good job of covering up my inward identification as the opposite gender (I still identified as female, of course), but for a multitude of other reasons I was unable to fit in this school (which, I should mention, was an Anglican single-sex school) so I decided to transfer... to a Roman Catholic single-sex school.
In Year 8, I decided that to start afresh, I would attempt to close off everything relevant to my transsexualism. It was extremely painful to do so, and I spiralled deeper down a masculine pattern of behaviour purely to appease other students which disgusted me whenever I thought back on what I had done during the day. In September 2012, I woke up to myself and realised that what I was doing was in no way true to myself and was instead a complete perversion of what I had been attempting to do for myself all those years before. I reneged on all behavioural changes I had made, as they were in no way reflections of who I truly was, and I resumed openly inwardly identifying as female (not that the feeling had ever fully gone away) and behaving in the effeminate manner that I had been doing for so many years beforehand.
In February 2013, with the encouragement of certain Internet figureheads, I began identifying as female on the Internet (I had never done this before: I was worried about legal issues that would confront me if I identified as female on the Internet but with the help of this figurehead I put these beliefs to bed) and now identify as female everywhere I feasibly can. I attempted to come out earlier this year by writing a heartfelt, emotional and angry 600-word letter to my parents which was intercepted by my mother and quickly put to rest in an effort to quell any 'resurgences' of previous trends, so at least somebody in my family remembers things. However, I have a plan up my sleeve.
In order to iron out issues with socialising that I have in real life (I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome which, naturally, greatly impedes my ability to engage in and begin conversations) I am attempting to organise sessions with a counsellor. Through this counsellor, I intend to finally put to rest the constant issues I have had in real life and come out in a completely different manner: I intend to spill out everything I have said here and more to this counsellor and finally have the satisfaction of having come out to somebody who will not scathingly judge me in real life. I am very close to getting these sessions with this counsellor, and I am absolutely ecstatic to quell my demons and come out to somebody; anybody. Of course, as a consequence of this, my parents will be told too -- by the counsellor -- and I will already have somebody backing me prior to finally attempting to reason with my parents who have rejected my pleas so many times before.
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