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Old August 1st, 2013, 11:30 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: My Nevereverland
Age: 20
Gender: Female
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarf View Post
I dunno. I think that a lot of people have a wider range of sexual identities than they may think they have, and that society can and does influence people's sexuality in the sense that a lot of people are pushed by society to the far corners of the sexual spectrum where they identify as straight or gay, but nothing in the middle.
Yeah, when I was younger I thought that sexuality was basically black and white...until I was 14 and began learning slowly the big list of orientations/identities that are about.

That reminds me...I noticed that some newer folk (welcome by the way) have posted their stories about being trans, and that, I've only been slightly out since May, I never explained it to anyone other than my therapist. I just need to get this off my chest somewhere because jeez, it's kinda killing me otherwise.

I guess I can track it down to where I was about eleven. I always felt like a girl when I was a kid, but at the same time I was pretty confused about it because I felt pretty conflicted. Play groups outside of family were basically androgynous all the way so it didn't hit me as hard as others (I grew up in a family where there were no women born for seventeen years) so everyone was basically treated the same. Inside though I wanted to express my feelings to others, but I was somewhat popular (due to my brother), and had a generous amount of friends that would had not wanted to hear it at all. I considered myself a girl at home, but only when I was alone and behaved like getting caught would be the absolute death of me...big mistake.


In came middle school (K-12 alt school, years were broken up from Pre, K, 1-2, 3-6, 7-9, 10-12) where everything became separated as if everything was black and white, and I was not quite pleased with what hormones were doing with me at all. I was then given an indirect choice: stay with the peers I have for the past few years under a mask that is becoming very bothersome, or tell everyone and potentially need to leave the school behind...again, a mistake, I chose neither and became reclusive and depressed while telling no one. I stayed locked up even to my own family and only kept my best friend (who is with me to this day.) I was sometimes worried that some people would know something is wrong, but I stayed shut anyway. I transformed it into very bitter denial, quickly turning into a misanthropic and angry personality.


It stayed away until I was fourteen and starting high school in a different city. Not too long into the year I realised that I was indeed Pansexual, and did not want to take it lightly. For the trans of me though, I kept having visions of me biologically as a girl and...actually being happy. I tried to shove down like I had for two years, but it became difficult, so I substituted the bitterness with keeping myself entertained in order to keep it off my mind and stay in the closet. Again, big mistake. It worked, but with the price of...my grades making it so it'd be impossible for me to get accepted to a four year college, reclusive behaviour that was worse than before, and feeling like things were just going south. When I was about seventeen and a half I finally became warm to the idea of being pan and embraced it with open arms (being trans though, nononononono.)


Due to work being a huge distraction it wasn't on my mind at all, so I thought of it hardly ever. August of 2012 though my grandmother passed and it put me through quite the depression phase. Much like keeping my thoughts away from being trans, I attempted to bury it in thoughts so it wouldn't be a big deal and then...it happened. I suddenly could not keep being a girl out of my head anymore. It was the only thing I could think of, and it was coming at me like a freight train. The last thing I wanted to do though was admit it, and I came out...halfway. I acknowledged and accepted that I was not cisgender, but refused to put it to rest. I substituted for other gender identities instead...another big mistake. It made everything ten times worse than it was before, causing me to start hitting myself. While causing only minor headaches, it made me feel like I was about to lose my mind and make me do worse things. This continued until about early May this year where I finally became comfortable about being MtF. Which soon after led to this. Since then, and therapy I've been feeling better, and hope to be living the life I always should had very soon.
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