Team Rocket: Built On Lies
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August 18th, 2013 (12:15 PM).
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
I've read through the first chapter, and you have an interesting set-up here. Giovanni is insane and now only has Jessie, James, and Meowth to help him. Fortunately Jessie is quick on her feet to think up lies, leading to the title of this fic.
The one thing that hurt your story was the grammar. It's not horrible by any means. Just that you missed a few apostrophes to create possessive forms and that your sentences tended to run on the long side. You had quite a few sentences that were so long and packed full of information that I got lost. I had to go back and reread a few to see what you were describing. For instance, here
Travelling once again through the jet, this time pleading with Giovanni to calm down and think things through, the Boss was too lost in his own thoughts to consider or even notice his three underlings.
the sentence starts off telling what the trio is doing, but then suddenly switches over to what Giovanni is doing. You could split this into two sentences
Travelling once again through the jet, they pleaded with Giovanni to calm down and think things through. The Boss was too lost in his own thoughts to consider or even notice his three underlings.
There are many sentences like this in your story that could be broken up to two or more sentences. Just a little something to help your readers keep track of what they're reading about.
But really, other than that I didn't notice any major problems. I'll come back and continue reviewing the other chapters, but I didn't want to leave you waiting for some sort of review.
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