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Old September 2nd, 2013 (01:55 AM).
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Nolafus Nolafus is online now
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So here we have a whimsical little tale about love, travels, and disappointment. Not to mention a quite disturbing mountain. It's time for a (somewhat) serious review, for a not so serious story.

Quote:
Just as he stepped out of his home and began to make his way to Niximous' usual resting spot a giant shadow passed over the town and a raspy cackle sounded from above.
You need a comma after "spot".

Quote:
and the Knight simply responded; "Because we do not exist."
Dialogue is special, it requires its own space in stories. Make sure the dialogue, with the text tied to the dialogue, is in its own separate space.

Quote:
After several hours of riding he had made it to the Griffin Hut.
You need a comma after "riding".

Quote:
"Welcome to Griffin Hut may I take your order."
You need a comma after "Hut", and a question mark instead of a period since the griffin is asking a question.

Quote:
Timothious crashed into the wall, which was surprisingly soft and sunk right through it and landed in a thick, brown ooze contained in a fountain below, some of it got in Timothious' mouth. He licked his lips. "Chocolate."
What do you mean by wall? Do you mean the mountain side? I would make this a little more clear. You also need a comma after "soft". Oh, and eww.

Quote:
Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."
You need to put this in its own little space since it's a new person talking. I do agree with Timothious though, what he said could be applied to just about the entire story.

Quote:
Niximous scoffed and wrenched her hand from his grasp. "As if, do you have a ride out of here?"
Once again, since it's a new person talking, new space.

Quote:
With no Griffin to take them home and no way to escape the mountain. Timohious and Niximous lived together-apart in Mount Poop, eating chocolate for the rest of their days.
I would replace the first period with a comma since the first sentence sounds more like a lead-into for the next sentence. What a crummy ending...

Your biggest weakness right now, seems to be knowing when to space out the dialogue. If you need an example, I edited a part of your story from this:
Quote:
Suddenly a rapid shuffling could be heard, and from under the tail of the dragon a dog-sized 6-legged spider crawled out. "My name is Zachidimous, I am but a parasite that feasts on the crust of this dragon buttocks." Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."
To this:
Quote:
Suddenly a rapid shuffling could be heard, and from under the tail of the dragon a dog-sized 6-legged spider crawled out. "My name is Zachidimous, I am but a parasite that feasts on the crust of this dragon buttocks."

Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."
You seperate dialogue out from normal paragraphs and between different people. It just help with the mess and makes it easier to tell who is talking at any given point in time.

A lot of this story didn't exactly make sense, but yet, I get the feeling that it wasn't supposed to. The names were awful, the landmarks were disgusting, and the ending sucked. In other words, I think everything you were trying to get across, came across. It was a nice little story, although I wasn't laughing out loud, it did bring a smile to my face.
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