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September 10th, 2013 (02:16 PM).
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in Japan with Takeru (I wish. D: )
Okay so... this is an original fiction story I started writing. Be warned that it does have anorexia triggers, which is why I'm placing it under a spoiler. I'm don't want to trigger anyone who might be/has suffered this in the past.
I hated my body because I wasn't anything like those models in magazines. I dreamed of being perfect, even though I would never be that way. I couldn't stand looking in the mirror just to see how fat and ugly I was. I pulled at the thick skin on my stomach while letting out a huge sigh. I couldn't believe I was this chubby, even though my best friend said I looked fine.
No one really understood the struggles I had in my life. I never got very good grades, and I was nothing like my perfect older sister. I looked at the cuts on my arms; some fresh and others that were now scars. Tears streamed down my cheeks upon one more glance in the mirror, realizing I was completely inferior.
You are worthless and ******. You don't deserve to live anymore...
I thought to myself as I broke down crying.
I took out one of my razor blades and sliced a horizontal line across my wrist. Blood oozed out from the fresh cut when I started to feel numb. I stopped crying to look back in the mirror with a long sigh.
I placed a large bandaid over the cut to hide it from my family. There wasn't a single person who knew I actually did this to myself. I threw on a Hello Kitty t-shirt, a black zip-up hoodie and a pair of blue jeans. I applied light pink eyeshadow to my eyes with black eyeliner and cherry red lip gloss.
Mom was making breakfast when I came downstairs as I took a seat at the table. Allie glared at me from across while eating her scrambled eggs. I wasn't very well liked in this family because of my imperfections and mistakes. I had to do things on my own because my parents wouldn't do anything for me, except provide my meals.
"Where's my breakfast?" I asked mom, even though I didn't feel like eating.
"You can get your own breakfast. You're not lazy." mom told me as I looked down.
I poured myself some Cheerios and started eating them without a glance at her. Dad came downstairs, only to glare at my like I had done something wrong. I could remember a time when we used to be such happy, supportive family. Everything used to be so perfect until me and Allie grew older and matured.
"Shouldn't you be at school, Maya?" he asked me, knowing he just wanted me gone.
"School doesn't start for another hour and a half." I frowned at him.
"Well, it would be so much better around here without a piece of **** like you." he scowled as I looked away and held back my tears.
I knew I was better off dead, but I couldn't go through with killing myself. I had many attempts at doing it, yet I was always caught by my sister. Allie cared enough about me to stop me from killing myself, even though sometimes her love wasn't enough.
I placed my empty bowl into the sink, grabbed my bag and headed off to school. I had the urge to throw up what I had just eaten. I felt like **** because I knew I was fat, and that was never going to change anytime soon. I snuck into the bushes to place to fingers behind my throat and finally puked.
I had to admit that it felt soothing to do this, despite how fat I was. I hadn't done this in such a long time because I hid these things from Allie. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and proceeded to school.
The only good thing about it was seeing my best friend Paisley. We had been best friends since the start of middle school. I told her everything, even about my self-harm and self-hatred of myself. I had no idea what I would have done without her in my life.
"Did you eat today?" she asked me when I shrugged. "Maya, you did it again, didn't you?" she looked at me and began frowning while her eyes filled with worry.
"I can't help it. You know I feel disgusted with myself." I glanced away from her.
"You promised me you were going to keep your food down today." she pouted and crossed her arms.
"I never promised anything. I can't promise something I have no control over." I told her as I let out a deep sigh. "I just felt really gross today, and I still feel like ****." I said with total honesty.
"I'm worried about you." she replied while we came up the steps.
Two girls blocked our way and prevented us from entering. Paisley clung to my arm as I stared at both of these girls. One had black hair, almond shaped brown eyeshadow light skin. Her other friend had sunny blonde hair and bright blu eyes.
Popular girls have it easy...
I thought to myself.
"We need to pass." Paisley spoke up, showing every bit of confidence she had.
"Fat *****es aren't allowed here." the Asian girl replied with a smirk on her perfect face.
I looked down, realizing she was right about me being fat. I took everything people said about me to heart when I shouldn't have. I felt my stomach growling from the lack of nutrients after throwing up.
"At least we have inner beauty nor cold-hearted inside and out!" Paisley snapped at the girls continuing to show remarkable courage.
"Oh, please! Inner beauty isn't going to get you anywhere, hun." At he blonde haired girl stood there crossing her arms.
"How would you know? It's not like either of you have it." she smirked without any fear at all.
A teacher came up the stairs, allowing us to follow behind her. Neither of the girls had a chance to keep us from entering. Paisley led me to the cafeteria, only for me to be nauseated by the scent of food around me. I ran out before I started gagging from all of those smells. My head was pounding immensely, but I hadn't gotten dizzy.
"Maya, please eat something." Paisley panicked, even as I shook my head.
"I...can't..." I sobbed with her standing next to me. "Eating...makes me feel...so gross..." I let my tears roll down my cheeks when she hugged me.
It wasn't until I noticed my crush entering the cafeteria. He had messy black hair, two different colored eyes and headphones in his ears. I stopped crying even though he ignored me and pretended I was non-existent
I'm not the best writer, and I am aware of that. However, I do like my writing style. I improve little by little each day since I'm a self-educated writer. I just thought I'd show you guys my writing since I've never actually shown anything here, yet I've bragged before about how I'm a writer and what not.
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