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Old September 25th, 2013, 04:25 PM
Nakuzami's Avatar
Nakuzami
Together . . . always.
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Wandering in the Darkness
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Nature: Jolly
Okay, I've never really done any sort of review before, so . . . let's see.
First off, I think I'll take the annoying grammar Nazi approach.

Spoiler:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
Besides, he was just happy to be floating here; it was relaxing. Nolafus decided that he must have been here his entire life; he couldn’t remember anything else that would tell him otherwise.
I believe that the two commas in these sentences should be replaced with semi colons. It's a sort of break in thought that just isn't done justice by a normal ol' comma.

Also, it's my opinion that the repetition of "bright light" and "dark hole" in such quick succession seems a bit . . . awkward. However, that depends on how much attention you wish to bring to these objects. I guess it's more of a style choice.
The same goes for "Nolafus raised his hand, . . . Nolafus lowered his hand." It's an interesting bit of parallelism, but it just seems a bit off to me. I don't know if it's due to the lack of substance between the repetition, or perhaps the way they're worded. Of course, it sounds odd that I would say that there's too little substance between the repetition, but I believe that's because of your diction. Perhaps changing it to "Nolafus raised his hand to shield his eyes from the intense light, only to have it quickly fade. He lowered his hand . . ."

From there, there are numerous places that you have commas where a period would be more fitting. I'll list those in a moment.
After the "Wait, 'fall...'" The word "Why" should begin a new sentence.
Once you get to "Fall, I was falling," I think you could replace that comma with an em dash. "Fall
—I was falling."
At "began to fade," you should continue with "and so did the hole," or else it sounds like an incomplete thought. Unless you didn't mean that the hole should fade, in which case you should have that as a separate sentence. Soon after that, "seem" should be "seemed".

Then, once at "She wouldn't let go and despite," there should be a comma after the "and".

Okay, here's all the places I think there should be periods rather than commas or extra words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
. . . drift towards the hole. He was still a ways away, but he had time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
. . . and all the time in the world. He could go anywhere, do anything, . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
Each time it grew louder and louder, until eventually the thought was shouting in his head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
He winced. He felt pain dart through his entire body.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
He had a wife. Wait, she died a while ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
Nolafus remembered two srains. Sons? Yes, definitely sons.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
Another srain and a human appeared in his thoughts. Kolski and Joe, my friends. Firefighters. They were firefighters.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231
. . . he had to close his eyes. He felt the grip of the woman loosen, and release.


Beyond all of that, I do believe that you have the mysterious feel that you were going for. I'm not sure how mysterious you wanted it, exactly, but there is certainly some mystery to it.

Although, sometimes it's not clear that it's suddenly shifted over to Nolafus' thoughts, which makes the switch between past and present tense seem sudden and awkward. I also think that your paragraphs sometimes come out a bit long. By this I mean, when it comes to literature, the paragraph normally shifts when there's a subject change, dialogue, or when things just don't seem to flow too well together. You also seem to flit through the passage rather quickly, but that's more of a stylistic approach that's entirely up to you.


And now, for my passage.

Okay, I figured I would type this up and get some opinions on how it's coming along. It's only my second attempt at fanfiction, but I've done plenty of writing in the past, and the Roleplay Corner has been my main dwelling for my three years on this site.

I'd like to know how the prologue sounds, and if the first chapter, um, escalated too quickly.
Truthfully I originally had no intentions whatsoever for the story to head in this direction. There was supposed to be no gay at all. ABSOLUTELY NO GAY. At least this means I might have a setup for some drama later on in the story.

Spoiler:

Prologue


"Sound the trumpets."

The atmosphere was dismal as the rain poured down upon the seemingly endless fields. On any normal day, these fields were home to a peaceful clamor that betrayed a flourishing population of wild pokémon.

But this was no normal day.

Today these fields were home to an odd gathering of people and their pokémon. Two armies of pokémon trainers that were preparing to make war. Hundreds of men and women spread out in every direction, their voices nothing more than whispers on the wind as they readied themselves to fight. The gathering cast an unnatural and eerie silence over the area, foreshadowing a night of untold terrors and endless hostilities.

"As you command, Master Cross," replied the elder of the two men. He moved his hand to his belt, bringing out a small, red and white pokéball that gleamed under the moonlight. Tossing it in the air, a large purple wisp materialized in front of the man. "Mismagius, Screech."

A shrill, ear-splitting wail pierced the night sky, turning the fields into a sudden blur of shadows in motion as trainers charged into the heat of battle. Eiro Cross smirked. "Take no prisoners."

Chapter One


It was a bright summer morning, filled with the pleasant tunes of countless pokémon and cooled by a zephyr flowing from the north. The scenery was lush and beautiful. Untainted by the ways of humanity was the Nyxia region, teeming with unimaginable creatures and sights, and dominated by nature. The people that lived here, while maintaining a comfortable life with the luxuries of technology, respected the natural environment and existed in harmony with the region's bestial inhabitants. They had lived this way for centuries, and were taught to live this way even in modern times.

Of course, not everyone respected the laws of the land, and the people native to the region often had to clean up after foreigners and tourists. Still, so long as nature remained in control of the region, there were few complaints to be heard.

Except from the tourists, of course. "I hate planes, so much." Despite his feelings, Matt believed that the plane ride had gone decently well. After all, he'd only vomited a handful of times, and he only fainted once or twice! A new record, by his count. Perhaps this trip wouldn't e as bad as he had initially thought.

Of course, with his luck, something was just bound to go wrong.

Luckily, if whatever ended up going awry happened to be a natural disaster, Shade, his Absol, would be able to warn him. Granted, it would probably end up being something completely unnatural, so it would come without warning.

It always did.

But he couldn't start worrying just yet. His adventure hadn't even started, after all.

He was on his way to Tebra City in order to meet up with a friend and perhaps crash at his place for the night. After that, he would gather up his things and start out on a journey around the region.

The region, Nyxia, was an island far off the coast of Kalos. It bordered upon a tropical climate, but, for the most part, it remained temperate. There was a jungle on the southern end of the island, though.

There wasn't much of an established Pokémon League here, yet—a few up and coming gyms here and there—but there was a tournament. The Shadow Tournament was a tradition here, and it had opened up to the many foreigners that started flooding the region within the past few years. It required challengers to obtain five shadowmarks before they could partake in the tournament, and that's just what Matt aimed to do.

Right now, though, he was starting to realize that it was a bit too sunny and warm for his current attire. He rolled up his sleeves, dropped his hood and adjusted his baseball cap to keep the sun from assailing his eyes.

There was a small, annoyed growl that came from Matt's right. He turned his head and looked at Shade with a bemused look.

"Would you like me to carry one of those bags?" he asked the feline pokémon. Both he and Shade were carrying three decently heavy bags, and they had been walking for a little while now.

Shade gave an indignant snort, feeling as though Matt had just insulted his pride.

Matt laughed. "Then quit complaining, you lummox. We'll only be a few more minutes."

At least that much was true. They had just entered Tebra City, and Scott's house shouldn't have been very much further.

A car horn blared. "Hey, moron!" The driver yelled, laughing as he did so.

"Scott?" Matt turned, slightly confused.

"Why didn't you call and tell e you'd be getting here early?" Scott questioned as he got out of his car, smiling. "Had I not called your sister, I wouldn't have known."

Matt blinked, still a bit startled. "I figured I would surprise you."

"Well, color me surprised." Scott wrapped his arms around Matt and embraced him. Matt struggled to maneuver his arms under the weight of his bags, but he managed to return the gesture.

"Oh! Here, let me grab those for you." Without waiting for Matt to respond, Scott grabbed Matt's bags and placed them into the trunk of his car. He did the same with Shade's bags, enthusiastically ruffling the white fur on his head as he did so.

Matt jokingly pushed the pokémon with his knee. Shade loved Scott to an almost annoying level, and Matt had to admit that it made him jealous at times.

Shade turned to Matt and lightly kicked him in the knee before gleefully hopping into the back seat of Scott's car.

"Ready to go?" Scott closed the trunk of his car and walked around to the driver's seat.

"C'mere," Matt said, stepping towards Scott. He grabbed the shorter man by the waist, pulled him closed and pressed their lips together.

After about thirty seconds, Matt released Scott and allowed him to get into his car, blushing.

Matt got into the passenger seat as Scott started the ignition. His attention was almost immediately drawn to Shade. "Are you purring?"

Shade was eying them both with a look that might have been satisfaction.

"Oh, shut up!" Matt laughed. This only seemed to cause Shade to purr louder.

"Okay, to my house we go!" Scott announced, his face still slightly red.
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