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September 25th, 2013 (09:49 PM).
Only slightly insane
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it. I agreed on most points and changed most of the things you pointed out. I do have a problem overusing commas, and I actually have no idea when semi colons are appropriate. As far as the length, I do agree I flew through it a little too quickly, but I'm afraid that's about as long as it's going to get for now. I was never good at drawing out passages while still making them interesting, but it never hurts to try.
I thought since you reviewed my work, it would only be fair to return the favor. While I have the time. Just like you, I'll start with the annoying grammar nazi approach.
Perhaps this trip wouldn't e as bad as he had initially thought.
I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.
It bordered upon a tropical climate, but, for the most part, it remained temperate.
I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.
"Why didn't you call and tell e you'd be getting here early?"
You forgot the "m" in "me".
"Well, color me surprised."
This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.
In the prologue we have a battle about to start. I'm not sure how this ties in with the first chapter, but I expect the connection to be revealed later on. I have no problems with the prologue, except for the dialogue, but I'll get to that a little later.
To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.
Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.
"Stand still! My eyes are on the side of my head!"
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