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Old September 26th, 2013 (3:36 PM).
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Nakuzami Nakuzami is offline
Children of Fate
Crystal Tier
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ylisse
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 5,743
Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it.
I thought it would be rude to post something new without reviewing yours, considering yours has been waiting far longer than mine. c:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.
You forgot the "m" in "me".
Well, that's annoying. >.>; My keyboard likes to skip some letters at times, and I don't always catch every mistake. Pfft

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.
Hmm . . . I suppose it is. I'll take that out~

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.
I think it's an older expression, but it's an expression. :> Odd is okay! Lol

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.
This is what happens when school and guys and hormones and that's when I write it and blegh
I fixed it, though. On paper, at least. I have a better idea of how to go about this now, anyways. So, it's all good.

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.
Old roleplaying habit that I've become attached to. :x Pfft, a year or two ago I even used to color code dialogue by character. Glad I got passed that. . . .
I'll see about removing it. It's . . . um, I suppose it's not needed as much in fanfiction as it might be in roleplaying, at least when it comes to its usefulness.

@matt0044 - I would try and review yours, but I've had a busy day today and so don't have much time. HMM, if I post a fixed copy of my passage tomorrow, I'll see about reviewing it. Otherwise, it'll probably get a review before I can get around to it. d:
A burdened heart sinks into the ground
A veil falls away without a sound
Not day nor night, wrong nor right
For truth and peace you fight
Sing with me a song of silence and blood
The rain falls, but can't wash away the mud
Within my ancient heart dwells madness and pride
Can no one hear my cry

Embrace the dark you call a home,
Gaze upon an empty, white throne
A legacy of lies,
A familiar disguise
Sing with me a song of conquest and fate
The black pillar cracks beneath its weight
Night breaks through the day, hard as a stone
Lost in thoughts all alone
In the white light, a hand reaches through
A double-edged blade cuts your heart in two
Waking dreams fade away,
Embrace the brand-new day
Sing with me a song of birthrights and love
The light scatters to the sky above
Dawn breaks through the gloom, white as a bone
Lost in thoughts all alone

In endless dreams, countless realms collide
Hope falls only to rise like the changing tide
But all dreams come to an end,
Just whispers on the wind
Sing with me one last time, for light's sacrifice,
Endless dawn came but not without a price,
Lost in the waves there glimmers, a pale blue stone.
I think of you, all alone
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