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Old September 26th, 2013 (3:36 PM).
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Nakuzami Nakuzami is offline
Children of Time
Crystal Tier
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ylisse
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 5,496
Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it.
I thought it would be rude to post something new without reviewing yours, considering yours has been waiting far longer than mine. c:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.
You forgot the "m" in "me".
Well, that's annoying. >.>; My keyboard likes to skip some letters at times, and I don't always catch every mistake. Pfft

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.
Hmm . . . I suppose it is. I'll take that out~

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.
I think it's an older expression, but it's an expression. :> Odd is okay! Lol

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.
This is what happens when school and guys and hormones and that's when I write it and blegh
I fixed it, though. On paper, at least. I have a better idea of how to go about this now, anyways. So, it's all good.

Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.
Old roleplaying habit that I've become attached to. :x Pfft, a year or two ago I even used to color code dialogue by character. Glad I got passed that. . . .
I'll see about removing it. It's . . . um, I suppose it's not needed as much in fanfiction as it might be in roleplaying, at least when it comes to its usefulness.

@matt0044 - I would try and review yours, but I've had a busy day today and so don't have much time. HMM, if I post a fixed copy of my passage tomorrow, I'll see about reviewing it. Otherwise, it'll probably get a review before I can get around to it. d:


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