The Lake Shinedown

"Breaking news!" announced anchorman Patrick "Local updates on Twinleaf's mystery lake pokemon! Our camera man, Wayne has recently caught on tape a red Gyrados." said anchorman. (Static sound) "What happened?" yelled Damien as he ran down the stairs from his room. He took one look at his mother, and he knew that she did something that had to do with the TV losing connection. She was rolling her eyes suspiciously. He asked to his Mother "What did you do to my TV connection, mom?" Damien's mother replied "Well, I didn't want you watching that, you know how you are with mysteries" Damien replied "I know, I know. But I wanted to watch that! It was a great TV Program!" Damien's mother said "End of conversation. Your not watching it." Damien stormed out of the house. When he ran out of the house, he accidentally bumped into Dawn who was carrying a case. "Sorry, Dawn" said Damien "Ah...it's alright" replied Dawn softly. Damien could tell she was a little hurt. So he helped her up. "Thanks" said Dawn. Damien asked her why she was carrying a case to his house. "Well, silly, don't you remember?" asked Dawn "I don't knock" replied Damien "Prof. Smith told me to bring you your new pokemon today!" stated Dawn "Oh, great..." sighed Damien "My mom said I couldn't have one without her permission.." Dawn replied with a soft hum. "Well how do you suppose I could get the pokemon?" asked Damien "Well, just give me five minutes with her." said Dawn with pride. Damien stepped aside from the door, and said "Alright. Go ahead, try." Dawn came out about two minutes later, and said "Well, you can get your pokemon!"

I will update this thread when I get some responses. The update will be the new part of the entire series.

First off, wrong forum. Second, it's a bit short. Third, you didn't use proper spacing, this makes the story really confusing and hard to follow. If you wanted to stick with canon, it is Professor Rowan, not Professor Smith.

No descriptions whatsoever. And it looks like you are attempting to make an OT fic of d/p/pt, in Damien's perspective. Right now though, you need lot's of work on descriptions and grammar.

Feign said:

First off, wrong forum. Second, it's a bit short. Third, you didn't use proper spacing, this makes the story really confusing and hard to follow. If you wanted to stick with canon, it is Professor Rowan, not Professor Smith.

No descriptions whatsoever. And it looks like you are attempting to make an OT fic of d/p/pt, in Damien's perspective. Right now though, you need lot's of work on descriptions and grammar.

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I know.
LIke I said, I want some details on what I was doing wrong.
And this is the wrong forum?
It's writers lounge, and pokemon fiction.
But if it is the wrong forum, I'll ask a Moderator to move it to the correct forum.

And, well, for the characters, I didn't feel like using Professer Rowan.
So I used Prof. Smith.

I'm still learning to write stories and the version is just a random pokemon world.
When I update the thread, I'll be sure to add more descriptive words, grammar, and some better spelling. If I spelled anything wrong besides Gyrados and Pokemon.

Yeah it should belong here: http://www.pokecommunity.com/forumdisplay.php?f=20

I guess to get into specifics, each new dialogue from a character is a new paragraph, for example:

"Hey Dawn, where are you off today?" Professor Smith asked, whilst working on his latest project.

"I was thinking to go to town, to pick up some food." She answered, watching the Professor's work.

etc

So aside from the paragraph spacing, I added a bit of description of what the Professor was doing. It doesn't strictly have to be actions either, had I established the setting earlier, I could further describe above, or I could leave it strictly as dialogue, like that they are just talking to each other, nothing more.

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to review a few other people's fics. And even though it is your first fic, remember to keep it exciting for the reader. ;) Usually OT fics have to be pretty well done to be interesting, because there are so many of them.

Usually I'll describe objects better than the people. Like...for instance

The ghostly moon approaches the abandoned castle.

Most times I forget to describe what the characters are doing.
I gotta remember to take my time, lol

Protip: Never ever write your fanfiction in the Reply to Thread/New Thread box. Write it in a word processor. That way, you can save your work without letting anyone else see it, and you can spell check it, proofread it, and generally spend more time on it than you would in one sitting on PC.

Other than that, it's really difficult to pick out what you're doing correctly/incorrectly because your grammatical errors are so distracting. Sorry to say it so bluntly, but yeah. The entire single-paragraph thing going on actually (literally) makes my eyes cross when attempting to read your work, and thanks to a lack of period usage, you're actually making it a bit of a challenge just trying to figure out who's saying what. That's not good.

So, yes. We welcome you with open arms to this forum, but please go back and proofread your work carefully, making sure you write in a word processor in order to give yourself enough time to work on things and clean up your writing. Your readers will most likely be seriously turned off by a large block of text with linguistic errors everywhere, even if you happen to have a really awesome story idea. Feign has given you specifics about paragraphs (although it's in general that whenever you start a new topic -- and a change of speakers is considered as such -- you start a new paragraph), but even then, given the fact that you've stated you'll add better grammar and spelling makes me think you're not working to your full potential. I'd like to see what you can do yourself before offering any further advice.

How did I not see this before now?

Anyhow, I would move this to the main PFF&P forum, but it doesn't meet the standards of PFF&P. It's short, written with improper grammar and punctuation, so I would have to close it.

Besides, this:

Most times I forget to describe what the characters are doing.
I gotta remember to take my time, lol

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tells me that you actually could do better like this without anyone telling you to do so. I'm not sure what you were looking for in terms of advice when you write and post something not at your full potential and still want advice, because that just seems rather confusing to me. Why not actually write a story and do the best you can with it to get advice to help you improve more than where you are now? Why do a bad job, with the knowledge that it isn't your best (because you yourself say that you can add better grammar, and by the rest of your posts, you know how to use proper punctuation), and want advice telling you things you already know?

And, well, for the characters, I didn't feel like using Professer Rowan.

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Oh mercy.

I'm not going to close this, nor am I going to move this, because if moved, it would be closed to fit the rules. I want to see where this goes right now, so I'll leave it open.

A good way to take your time, is to imagine your characters as though it were a movie setting, imagine what the characters are doing and saying. Where are they at, what colours are around them, what is the weather, what other things can you describe about the setting? Write these answers in point form, than start from there in introducing the characters and the setting.

Now this doesn't mean you have to describe every single notion as that would get tedious and evade the plot, that is why you have to find the middle ground.