Help & Advice Thread

The Deep Discussion Help & Advice Thread​

Formerly the Post your Problems thread!

Back by popular demand, with a few little twists. This time, the focus of the thread should be to give earnest and appropriate advice to members that seek it for somewhat important issues. Appropriate topics could be, for instance:

EXAMPLES:
"Where should I attend college? What do I need to do as far as Financial Aid, paperwork, etc?"
"How do I ask out my crush, etc"
"I'm having a dispute with a coworker or classmate, etc"
"Should I study overseas?"
"I want to travel, where to?"
"I need a job. What should I do to prepare for my interview?"
"I'm an aspiring musician, how do I build my career?"
"How to be good with money, etc"

** As long as the question isn't really frivolous or mundane, like, "what color shoes should I wear today?" your question should be fine.

Questions relevant to other sections of the PokeCommunity should be posted in those sections, and not here. For example, if you are having computer troubles, post in the Science & Technology section, or if you have a question about some aspect of the PokeCommunity itself, post in Community Feedback & Support.




Things to remember:

• This isn't a complaint or venting thread. No profanity-laced tirades or shots at other users. Post here either to help others with a problem or to seek advice yourself.
  
• Do not ask for a medical diagnosis. Do not offer a medical diagnosis. This applies to both mental and physical health. The only advice anyone will (or at least, should) give you is to see a real-life professional. Please report anything you see of this nature.
  
• Normal PC rules regarding content and behavior apply. No rudeness, disrespect or bullying will be tolerated here. Infractions will be handed out liberally.
  
• 4/25 Rule and Censor/Swearing rules will be heavily enforced.
  
• Lastly, keep the topics discussed from becoming too heated. Do not inflame or troll others or make any issues worse. Also heavily enforced.

Just so there's no confusion, how serious of questions should we ask here? I mean, how lighthearted can some of our questions be? Like if I were to ask people for advice on fun things to do when traveling from people who live/have been where I'm traveling, would that be okay? Or is this more for "I have a problem" types of advice?

Scarf said:

Just so there's no confusion, how serious of questions should we ask here? I mean, how lighthearted can some of our questions be? Like if I were to ask people for advice on fun things to do when traveling from people who live/have been where I'm traveling, would that be okay? Or is this more for "I have a problem" types of advice?

Click to expand...

I added a little to the OP to hopefully clarify that! What you just proposed would be totally fine.

Might as well be the trailblazer.

So, like, for those who have known me well enough know that for the past few months, I was moaning and groaning about the possibility of not going to prom. Well, I while ago, I had a rather heated discussion with my mother about it, and she finally caved halfway, saying she'd think about it. And that's great, right?

Wrong. Now that I have what I want, I don't really get why I wanted it. I feel like the only reason I made a huge deal about it is cause I didn't like hearing "no" from my mother. I kind of don't know what to do at the moment. I feel, and this is probably just because it's prom, that if I don't ask someone to go with, there's no point in going. My friends are telling me that it's the last moment in our High School lives where we can finally be who we are, but I dunno. I had images in my head of asking my high school crush, but I don't know if I want that anymore. For multiple reasons, mainly her having rejected me about two years ago and the fact that I don't want to make things weird, regardless of how little time's left. Also kinda blew that my friends kept telling me to ask her out when we were literally right next to each other (all of us) and I was just like. ".....very funny." I played it off as a joke, but I dunno if I really meant it as a joke. I don't like anyone else in that way, but I don't know if I even like her in that way.

This all goes back to whether it's worth going. Sorry for the mini rant. :x

Yup, high school life. People always tell you, "oh, you'll find yourself etc." but I agree with your perception that it's just other people forcing their images of what you should become and convoluting your own self discovery - but maybe that's what people actually mean XD. If you don't even know that you like her in that way, then what's the worry about asking her? Depending on your relationship with her, things might not always turn out weird. You can still bring it up like having a good time for the sake of - and people go out to prom with friends just as a social event, an opportunity to socialize, just a bit classier. I know the prom is taken differently, more seriously? in the states, so I might be wrong trying to draw parallels here.

You say there's little time left, and you don't want to make things weird. I think you have all the reason to make things weird -especially because there is so little time left. How do you imagine your relationship to her to be after high school, because "little time left" implies that you wouldn't be communicating with much of your high school peers as you move on to post-secondary. In any case, I don't want you to be bummed by this because it's not thaaat big of a deal. I don't know if you're a prom person or not, but there are many good reasons to go, some of which your friends listed. It's worth going inasmuch as you think it'll be fun, and it's as simple as that. I'm sure you wouldn't be going as a loner.

Sorry for creeping on your photos, but some of your girlie-friends are pretty guud luckin.

I never went to my prom, and to me, there was no point to go because at that point in my life, I had fallen out with old friends and felt I matured into a different person that didn't want to talk anime 24/7. I was contemplating on going just with a couple friends, but then when I was rejected by having even that, I decided not to bother, and honestly? I don't regret it. I used to have fantasies about having an amazing prom and being asked to dance and falling in love on the dance floor but... that's fantasy. I found who I am and I get to be me every day now, and I didn't need to have prom to be able to do that. If you're good friends with the bunch, you'll find the time to hang out outside of that day.

Ask yourself this: Will prom be fun for you if you just go with your friends to be chatting around a table and dancing on the dancefloor? Yes? Well then think about going then. Don't go for someone else's sake or "to spend time with them before they all part" because the whole night you'll just be clinging to people that, if you dont end up keeping in touch, end up forgetting about anyway. People come and go in your life and that's just fact.. but you gotta go for you. No one can decide that for you. You could also go and if you dont like it, leave halfway through! ;3

@Bloodex: You should probably go. For one reason, if you asked and asked and finally got permission and then decide not to that'll send a weird message to your mother. I don't know how much you have to rely on getting her permission for things, but if she sees you ask for something and then deciding not to take it she might feel that's how you'll respond to anything else you ask for that she doesn't want to relent on.

But more than that, if you go and your friends are going you'll have a chance to be with your friends. I guess I could put it another way: would it be worse to go without a date and be guy who went with friends, or not to go and be the guy who didn't get a date and didn't come? I think people tend to regret what they don't do more than what they try to do. I guess I'm saying it's better to try so that even if nothing goes how you want you can at least say you tried instead of wondering what might have been. Things can also go really well and you might be pleasantly surprised. I mean, there are good and bad outcomes whatever you choose to do or not do, but you probably would prefer the good outcomes of taking risks more than the ones of not taking risks.

So tomorrow is day of silence (afaik correct me if I'm wrong!) and as much as I'd like to participate, with all I have going on tomorrow, there's just no way I can go without talking. The dilemma is that I was going to do a card unopening video tomorrow and I wanted to do it silent for my support, but I'm not sure if that would be hypocritical or not since I'm not gonna be doing the silence thing all day. I'd just like opinions from those in the lgbt community, or even other allies, on whether or not that would be hypocritical.

(Oh my god I hate typing on this iPad)

If you have business to be done, then just talk. The whole thing is symbolic anyways, and I think it'll be taking the symbolism too far for it to interfere with your life. You're not a hypocrite for talking. I didn't cry when my grandfather died, even though I'm the only grandson. So what if I failed to uphold Chinese traditions 100%. The most important thing is that you showed your solidarity with the LGBT community, and that's all that matters.

But I'm not gay, so maybe my opinion doesn't count for anything...

Okay, might be too late to respond now, but I think that no one would hold it against you if you had to talk. I mean, most of us have to speak for our jobs, often for school, too. The idea, for me anyway, isn't to make things difficult for people who are supportive, but to draw attention to the issues of LGBT people. If you want, you can just say that you're supportive, but that you have to speak today.

I mean, there are also plenty of LGBT people who don't like the idea since there's been lots of silence already, you know? Like, it's better to talk about things than stay silent. So really, the important thing is to be supportive in whatever way you can.

Thanks guys. :) I've got on my rainbow ring and I did my eyeshadow all rainbowy as well to throw in my support. n__n

(The Author is back from the dead.)

Hello.

I'm a fifteen-year-old that's been having a bit of trouble with my father and stepmother recently. For the past five years, my stepmother has been verbally abusive and in some cases physically abusive. However, I've never really been able to get proof of this until recently. I've dealt with the DHS, CPS, and the police on several occasions and I've also been to a group home for fifteen days as well as JAG.

Last summer, I visited my mother, who I hadn't seen for about ten years previously, and things were really smooth and everything was great. We had a good time, and the only thing we really had disagreements or arguments about were subjects like civil rights, gaming, etc. The trip that was originally just going to be for the summer ended up extending until early December, when I flew back to my father and stepmother, where things immediately started going downhill.

My stepmother's been trying to claim I tried to kill her then-unborn child at one point, they've been trying to put me in mental hospitals, and overall they've been blaming me for just about everything that goes wrong in the family, when they're the ones being abusive and aggressive, both verbally and physically. There were a couple times where I'd be beaten and I'd have a few marks left over, but I've never had a phone or camera to take pictures with, and my stepmother put me in online school so I don't really have any friends I can go to for pics. Even then, I just felt overall bad about it, as I didn't want to crush my parents like that, I really just wanted to get away from them and live with my mother (who lives out of state).

Eventually, I had enough of this. I had been contacting my mother for months at that point, just to chat about things. I ended up telling her at one point about my problems with my folks here, and she's been working on petitioning for custody for several months now, trying to gather as much legal advice/information as she can. At one point I contacted her about some markings I had on me, feeling a bit hopeless because I didn't have a camera. She said she could talk to a friend who lives in the area, which she did, and said friend was able to take pictures of the injuries and email them to both my mother and myself. A day later (or later that day; one of the two) my parents kicked me out then called the police on me for running away, yet they had given me the address to a youth shelter, where I lived for fifteen days (great times, I tell you). You see, I had also stolen one of my father's thumb drives to put the pictures on, which I took with me, as well as a scrap of paper with my mother's number, another scrap of paper with the youth shelter's address, a scrap of paper with the directions to the address, and a hair tie. It was about ten o' clock at night when I was kicked out, I ended up getting lost, so I slept in an alley (or tried to; it was cold). The next day, I retraced my steps and went the right direction, and ended up at the administration building by about 5 PM, bright red from being sunburnt. They drove me to a youth shelter, and the next day, the police came and asked me some questions. I told them everything. There was a bit of confusion as to whether I 'ran away' or got 'kicked out', I gave them the thumb drive, and they took pictures of their own. My mother had already reported the incident to CPS, and another CPS report was filed.

Anyway, ever since I got back, my parents have been trying to claim that I did the injuries to myself, saying that they weren't there that morning. They were, and by the time the pictures were taken (3 PM), the wounds were noticably healing. My parents found out who took the pictures, did some research on them, and called the police on them, saying that they were the one that inflicted the injury. They've also pressed charges on my mother, from what I hear, for 'plotting against them'. They've also been trying to convince me that my mother hates me, that she abandoned me, and that she tries to cheat her way out of child support, when I know for a fact my mother has been trying to pay child support, she's just been having some issues, with neither of the parties living in the state that child support is going through. My grandmother has also tried to get into the situation, but due to some misunderstanding, manipulation (on my grandmother's side; shame), and a really bad joke, she's been cut out of my life, with plenty of legal threats against her. Since CPS has been involved recently (funny, my stepmother tried to call CPS on me at one point), my father and stepmother have been avoiding answering the door or their phones, purposely trying to avoid CPS.

So what should I do? My father and stepmother are claiming I'm the problem (and their word is always heard over mine), my mother is out of state, and CPS is being ignored (not to mention most of CPS are just money-hungry child-snatchers anyway; not saying they all are, but a good amount). Any advice?


Thanks in advance,
Jaxom

tl;dr my father and stepmother have been verbally/physically abusing me, saying I do it to myself, and cutting out anyone who claims otherwise, including my mother, who wants to petition for custody of me. What should I do?

Aww, I feel terrible that this has all happened to you and is continuing to happen! :[ From what you disclosed to us, it seems as though CPS is not doing enough to investigate what's going on behind the scenes with you and your guardians. I mean, this is what CPS was created to do and it's as though they're completely taking everything that has happened to you lightheartedly. I'm surprised that even after you showed evidence to the police about the physical injuries you endured, CPS, nor the police, did not even bother to check into what was going on. Yeah, I know that in general the opinion of adults are given more priority than those of children, but usually the adults (or parents) in these types of cases, are the abusers, and CPS should be very familiar with how these types of domestic violence/abuse cases work.

In reality, after you've done all this, there's unfortunately not much you can do except to continue urging your mother to keep on pressuring the correct authorities into reviewing this case and into trying to secure your custody. You don't deserve any of this, and you, being 15, definitely do not need to be living in this type of hostile environment. I would really just continue to collect as much evidence as you can about what's happening to you. Also, don't allow for your father or stepmother to even lay a finger on you. That's against the law in most cases, and if you ever feel threatened, you can always just walk out of the house and go to a trusted neighbor's/friend's house to call the police. CPS cannot continue to keep returning you back into this violent home without establishing what exactly is happening. No one should have to live like this, especially at your age. Keep us informed! All the best, really. Keep strong. Things will get better soon. <3 :)

Theoretically, Child Protective Services should be your advocate against your parents if they're abusing you, but since they aren't doing their job properly maybe there is someone who can put pressure on CPS. Police, perhaps. Maybe a charity, a church, a group of some sort that's worked with disadvantaged kids and could, if not help you with your parents, help you with getting CPS to do a better job.

I wish I could be more helpful, but I don't have any experience with things like this. I wouldn't want to suggest risky things that could potentially lead to bigger conflicts. I think the best thing you can do is do whatever you can to have more time and connection with the world outside your home. When you're in public they can't do anything to you without it being noticed, and the more time you spend in public the more chances you have to talk with people, get people to know you, people who would have reasons to want to talk with you even when you're home. Basically, build a network of people if you can. The more people there are the more likely they'll support you, to notice when things are strange. There'll be more people who can vouch for you as a person if people or other authorities get involved, or to call in the authorities on your behalf.

I am sorry to hear about your circumstances.

"In some states, free legal aid is available to minors seeking emancipation, through children's law centers. This can be a valuable resource for minors trying to create a convincing emancipation petition. Students are able to stay with a guardian if necessary.
Emancipation are not easily granted because of the subjectivity and narrowness of the definition of "best interest." Some are minors who have been victims of abuse. In most cases, the state's department of child services will be notified and the child placed in foster care or care of a loved one."

I would seek legal advice, depending on where you live, you can be guaranteed free representation, if not, many times lawyers will assist abused children pro-bono. This may allow you to speed-up the process and get you out of harm's way sooner.

This is the only advice I can give you. By law, legal advice is restricted to informing someone of their legal rights in seeking a lawyer, if they do not have a law degree. Therefore, it is in your best interest to find a lawyer to help you with your scenario given that DHS, CPS, or law enforcement are not adequately protecting your safety and state of mind.

I hope this helps, even if a little.
Please don't feel hopeless, you will get through this, eventually.
In time, you this will all be a nothing more than a memory.

(ugh, I am bad with words of encouragement)

I just turned 16 a few days ago, and I am now in the process of updating my working papers. I'm also in the process of transferring to an online high school. With all of this free time on my hands ("school hours"), I'm trying to score a job. It's always nice to have a bit of money, and with college just around the corner I need to become more independent. Keeping in mind that I live in a metropolitan area, there are a lot of name-brand businesses within a three block radius. There are some stores that I know are hiring. TJ Maxx, Wendy's, KFC and Popeyes, namely. However, since I'd like to enter the veterinary field and I've already wracked up hundreds of hour in animal-related volunteer work, I thought it'd be better to work somewhere animal oriented. A veterinary hospital is out of the question (liability), so I was thinking maybe a pet store, or a groomers. So that's one question: given my experience, my age, and my future occupation, where should I work?

The other issue is that I'm extremely shy in an irrational way. I'm fine with serving as a tour guide in front of an awestruck crowd, yet I can't pick up the phone without suffering from a nervous breakdown. It verges on social phobia. There aren't many fears that would set off, let's say, a panic attack, but it does present itself as a problem. For example, after getting all dolled up I walked down to the local pet store. I was completely confident and ready to fill out an application. However, once I walked through the door I suffered from a sudden burst of shyness. I couldn't approach the front desk, and I had to ask my mom (yes, my mom) to get the application for me. It was ridiculous! (Side note: They aren't hiring right now, but they are accepting applications.). Do you have any tips for dealing with this conditional anxiety?

The final question is this: do you have any tips for balancing work with school? Admittedly I'm not very organized.

Not asking for advice for myself here, but for a close friend.

Some of you might know that today (or rather, given the time, yesterday) is the day when people in the UK leaving school and hoping to move onto university get their exam results which dictate if they actually got in or not. The way it works here is that, of all the universities in the country, you get to pick two; one high one as your first choice, and a lower one as your insurance choice, to give you the best chance of going somewhere you at least like.

This friend of mine has had some rather... unfortunate circumstances this year which I know for certain have impacted his exam's results - and it showed today. He underachieved big-time and his first choice of university is now unwilling to accept him. He's going to continue communicating with them in the hope that they'll understand the circumstances surrounding his less-than-expected results, but it's unlikely. He's now left with two options; he can either accept his insurance choice and have it over with, or he can withdraw his application, re-sit his exams next year and try again for a higher university in the hope that they'd take him. He feels cheated by circumstance and knows that he should be entering into an establishment higher than his insurance choice, but he also knows that one additional year is a long time to wait - especially given that nothing's guaranteed with regards to his acceptance next year and it's almost tougher to enter after a gap year due to the university expecting you to have done something really special with it.

So... what would you guys do if it was you in this situation? If you need extra information or clarification just ask; our system of doing things is veeery different to the US and others. d:

Does this friend have the means to do something really special within that year that will meet the expectations of his chosen university? And is this insurance choice still a well regarded school?

donavannj said:

Does this friend have the means to do something really special within that year that will meet the expectations of his chosen university?

Click to expand...

I suppose so. If not, his family can probably help him out money-wise, and it could be a great experience. It's more... if he actually gets anything done. It's very difficult to organise things last-minute (we're talking stuff like going to a 3rd world country and teaching kids English and whatnot here, haha) and he's really not in a good place right now. We've gotta walk before we can run, yanno? I am confident that he'll get through this in time but in enough time, I'm not sure.

donavannj said:

And is this insurance choice still a well regarded school?

Click to expand...

In general, I suppose so, although he's very capable of hitting much higher and he knows that. He'd likely be fine if he was to go to his insurance choice, but he doesn't want to go there as much as his first choice. He also won't receive the same quality of tuition and his first choice looks better to an employer. On the other hand, a degree is a degree.

Are his first and insurance choice both in/outside the Russell Group? Because RG universities get 80% of all research funding, and basically people tend to consider them on these levels: 1. Oxbridge, 2. Russell Group, 3. Everything else. In my experience anyway.

As someone who was really panicked about possibly going through clearing, I would point out this - every decent University is bumping up their grade requirements next year, despite falling numbers of the higher grades being achieved. Is your friend going to achieve even higher than (s)he was predicted initially? If that answer is yes, retake the year. No? Chance it with the insurance, it's better than no place.
Also, some universities get really picky about making sure you've only taken 2 years to do your A levels - Edinburgh's one I know just point blank refuses anyone who's taking over the standard 2 years.

Hope I haven't rambled too much.