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Fanfiction of the Month (December): Hoenn Mirror World (v.3)

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Negrek

Am I more than you bargained for yet?
339
Posts
18
Years
Well, it's only been about a week. Let's see how this is coming along, shall we?

Chapter Four: Ambush

I just wanted to get out of here and back to my Hoenn.
I think you mean want instead of wanted here. I mean, Mariah still wants to go back home, doesn't she?

Mariah sighed, feeling that she would never return back to her world.
Because to return means to go or come back, to say "return back" is redundant. Just return to, please.

She remembered that some of the shards flew out of the shrine, and there was no way for her to find them all since she barely knew if Mirror Hoenn really was a parallel world.
What does it matter if Mirror World is a parallel of Hoenn here? If Mariah had been in "normal" Hoenn and this had happened, she'd be just as clueless as to where exactly all of the shards had gone, wouldn't she?

...that it was probably because the Mirror Wand needed another...

- I'm just wondering why you went and skipped so much of the aftermath of the shattering of the mirror and then went back and recapped it all anyway. Also, there's a lot of indirect dialogue here, where I think it would be more effective to have the characters actually speaking. It makes sense for the passage where the past is being discussed, but when it's someone talking right then it seems like you may as well stick it in quotes.

Mirror Mariah noticed that Mariah was instead attentive to a small purple rat Pokemon scurrying around the grassy area for food.
Normally you don't scurry around something for something else. What I mean is that you need another word after area, perhaps looking.

- Childlike is one word.

?If I see you following me like that again, I?ll chomp your wings off!? He scampered off.
The "off...off" repetition is a bit annoying here.

Mirror Mariah, embarrassed about what had just happened, got out an indigo handkerchief and clipped the crystal Pokeball off of her necklace.

Mirror Mariah said, holding the handkerchief by one of the corners,

- Rattata can't learn fury swipes. 0_o

- Tissues aren't made out of cloth. Specifically, a tissue is either an absorbent sheet of paper, a thin, nearly translucent kind of paper used for packing, wrapping, or protecting valuable articles, or a gauzy fabric. Gauze isn't the best thing to make a hankerchief out of, so I'd suggest looking for a different word to go here.

Mirror Mariah mumbled to herself that it would still take her a while to get used to her new name by Mariah.
You've been having issues with prepositions, here. In this sentence, "her new name by Mariah" doesn't make much sense. Her new name from Mariah is more correct but doesn't sound much better. I'd suggest rewording the sentence so as to be able to put that last phrase somewhere where you can get a better preposition for it.

After a short pause, Mariah called her, and Mirror Mariah laughed embarrassedly.
No comma after pause.

She rarely had that question asked of her, but she thought about it and turned to her.
The preposition her is used for two different people in the same sentence, which makes it very confusing. This is the problem with having a similar name for both of your main characters.

and that was how she had gotten Treecko.

The Pokemon slowly woke up and wondered what it was that had made him come out of his slumber.

He suddenly heard a cawing noise with his pointy, brown ears, and he turned behind him to see a small black bird perched on a branch above him.
There shouldn't be a comma between pointy and brown. Also, it's a bit weird to have him look behind himself in order to see something up above.

...its sheer power made the birds fall to the ground, unable to continue fighting.

Once the Raichu got up, however, he felt that something was wrong--he had won too easily.

- Wha-at? The birds didn't have a type that was weak to electricity? Weren't they flying-types?

Like Mariah, Mirror Mariah struggled with trying to figure out why Pokemon acted strangely and why do strange dark birds often appear.
Wow, something's wrong with this sentence. I understand the first part, but the second part is in a completely different tense. Also, did Mariah really contemplate weird dark birds back in "real" Hoenn all that often? The way this sentence is worded makes it sound as though Mariah is seeing these simliar traits in Mirror Mariah as things she herself does often, but she's only been in the Mirror World for a little bit. You can't really call anything that she's done here "regularly" due to the short duration of her stay thus far.

Both of them had gone/had been through a lot, and now there were in the middle of something that could tear apart both of their worlds.

A bush that he had just passed by suddenly rustled. The Raichu stopped and turned to see something zooming toward his arm and clamping onto it.

The mouse watched the mist gradually increased in size until it vanished.
Increase, not increased. You're still having trouble with tenses; I'll talk about that at the end.

Suddenly, his head began to hurt, and he shut his eyes, hoping that everything would be back to normal.

The Confusion attack had left him in a rather groggy condition, but he mustered up as much energy as he could to run and jump toward the Dustox.

- In terms of game canon, slam does not cause recoil damage.

The Dustox was engulfed by a bright light that faded away once the Raichu executed his Slam attack. It rose into the air without a single scratch on its body...

Despite one of the birds being able to transform into a Dustox, the Raichu knew something was not right since when he fought the other birds.
The word you are going for there is not despite. Despite means in defiance of, which makes no sense in this context. Perhaps in addition to would work better here?

He wondered how another girl could look like Mirror Mariah when Mariah, seeing his surprised expression, slowly stepped up and nervously held out her hand.

He thought that she might be referring to the Guardian because of the resemblance.

In reality, it really did not matter whether or not Mariah returned back to her world.
In reality and really mean the same thing, so this is redundant.

- I'm getting tired of stiking in "had" all over the place, so from now on I'm going to leave that up to you. I'll explain why they need to go in in some places, and where. It has to do with tenses, specifically, variations of the past tense. Unfortunately, I can't find my book that explains this very well at the moment, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to hold off on an explanation for now, as I'll be helpless without it.

...into a powerful Bug- and Poison-type Pokemon wore...
When you have hyphenated phrases in a series like this you need to hyphenate all of the words.

- This is another one of those cases where you are moving things waaaay too slowly. I thought dustox was gone and done for, but no, there was all of that talking and speculating just while it was recovering? No way. Battles are very intense; things happen in split seconds, and there's no time for chatting in between attack rounds.

Suddenly, the trees and bushes swirled and flashed with vivid lights.

You?d better be careful, seeing as you?re a Grass-type.

...she looked at her Treecko...

...black feather that fluttered toward the ground.

?It?s? just like the one I found earlier this morning??

All right, that brings us to the end. Overall, I liked this chapter. I think that you did a little better job handling your characters here and that you have made some improvement in that respect. Your weakest point in this chapter was repeated grammar problems. I've already mentioned the one with tenses, which I'm sorry I'm not able to fully deal with tonight, but there's also a big issue with prepositions in this chapter.

You're using the wrong prepositions all over the place. I've been seeing this a lot lately, and it puzzles me. Prepositions are just the words that deal with relationships between things in your sentences, and how can you not know how things relate to one another in your own writing? Anyway, I'm afraid that there's not much advice that I can offer help with here. Just try to think really hard about directions and relationships. Is something on something or with something? Is it going to somewhere or coming from somewhere else? I guess it's a sense that you develop with practice, but it's really something to strive for.

Overall, I think you're really improving with this piece. Keep up the good work.
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
Thanks for another great review, Negrek.

Negrek said:
-Rattata can't learn fury swipes. 0_o
According to this, Rattata learns it via breeding.

Negrek said:
-Wha-at? The birds didn't have a type that was weak to electricity? Weren't they flying-types?
The birds weren't actually Pokemon to begin with. They're more or less minions for the main villain.

Negrek said:
-This is another one of those cases where you are moving things waaaay too slowly. I thought dustox was gone and done for, but no, there was all of that talking and speculating just while it was recovering? No way. Battles are very intense; things happen in split seconds, and there's no time for chatting in between attack rounds.
They always seem to get away with that kind of stuff in anime, but if that's the proper way to do a battle...

Negrek said:
All right, that brings us to the end. Overall, I liked this chapter. I think that you did a little better job handling your characters here and that you have made some improvement in that respect.
Great. My characterization's getting better.

Negrek said:
Your weakest point in this chapter was repeated grammar problems. I've already mentioned the one with tenses, which I'm sorry I'm not able to fully deal with tonight, but there's also a big issue with prepositions in this chapter.

You're using the wrong prepositions all over the place. I've been seeing this a lot lately, and it puzzles me. Prepositions are just the words that deal with relationships between things in your sentences, and how can you not know how things relate to one another in your own writing? Anyway, I'm afraid that there's not much advice that I can offer help with here. Just try to think really hard about directions and relationships. Is something on something or with something? Is it going to somewhere or coming from somewhere else? I guess it's a sense that you develop with practice, but it's really something to strive for.
So, the main worry to worry about now is grammar...

Negrek said:
Overall, I think you're really improving with this piece. Keep up the good work.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
 

Negrek

Am I more than you bargained for yet?
339
Posts
18
Years
Nekomajo Asunya said:
According to this, Rattata learns it via breeding.
Oh, yeah, I should have considered egg moves. Sorry about that.

Yeah, grammar looks to be your largest problem at the moment.
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
MARIAH?S POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAH?S ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAH?S POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAH?S ITEMS: Diamond Wand (an advanced version of the Mirror Wand)

CHAPTER 5: Clues
Mirror Mariah had not been able to take her eyes off the black feather ever since it had appeared. While Mariah, Treecko, and Lemonade wondered what the big deal was, Mirror Mariah saw this reoccurrence as a major clue to what she and all of Hoenn could be up against. However, why were these feathers appearing? Was this a ploy of the enemy?

?So, do you know anything about this?? Mariah asked.

?Some other dark feathers appeared at Ever Grande Cathedral this morning,? Mirror Mariah said. ?The Mirror Masters and I had our hands full with really strong Pokemon. It was a tough battle, but thankfully, Lord Steven came and gave us a hand. When we beat them, however, the feathers appeared?? She looked at the feather again. ?And they looked exactly like this one.?

Just then, the feather emitted a strange, purple glow. Everyone wondered what was going to happen. The feather, to their surprise, suddenly transformed into a dark, glittery mist that drifted around Mariah.

?What the??? Lemonade said as he walked up to Mariah. Treecko and Mirror Mariah followed.

?Mariah??? Mirror Mariah asked, noticing her double?s suddenly disconsolate expression.

?I want to go home?? Mariah sobbed. ?I wish Mom was still alive? I wish I could go back to two weeks ago so I could stop that car accident??

Mirror Mariah paused for a moment. She had a feeling that this tactic was a last resort of the opposition, so she made her Diamond Wand appear in a flash of light and aimed it at Mariah. The Hoenn Mirror Girl shuddered and moaned as she slowly turned to Mirror Mariah with a blank expression. Suddenly, a blast of sparkling water was shot out of one of the diamonds and splashed all over Mariah. She let out a brief cry before she came to her senses.

?Are you okay, Mariah?? Treecko asked, concerned about his trainer. ?You seemed to just black out when that weird wind was around you.?

Mariah said nothing. She knew that her mother was gone, and nothing?not even her powers?could undo what had happened. The pain was still strong, and there was someone who had the ability to make it worse. However, she also knew that, in a serious time like this, she had to stay strong.

?Mirror Mariah,? Mariah said with a serious look on her face, ?let?s get going.?

Mirror Mariah, a bit surprised but glad to see that Mariah had returned to herself, nodded and went ahead with her double close behind. Treecko and Lemonade looked at each other and shrugged before they left with the girls.

Meanwhile, a bat-winged girl who was watching the group jumped from one of the lavender rose trees. Facing the direction of Moonlight City, she got out a wand with a gray and black Pokeball with bat wings. She pointed it ahead of her, and the crimson gems on the top gray part of the Pokeball emitted a faint glow.

?It?s there?? the demonic girl said to herself.

***​

In a clearing near a mountainous area, a white, monkey-like Pokemon made a claws-forward lunge toward a giraffe Pokemon and scratched it on the side. The giraffe, not in any serious pain, retaliated by firing a bright, colorful beam from its horns. The hustling Vigoroth evaded the attack, but a second beam caught him by surprise and hit him in the chest and knocked him on his back. The Girafarig, confident now that it was on the offensive, charged toward the fallen monkey.

?Vigoroth, Crush Claw!? a man yelled.

With the command in mind, the Vigoroth jumped on his feet. He raised his suddenly glowing claw and ran toward the Girafarig again. The giraffe began to ram its head into Vigoroth, but the wild monkey blocked the Girafarig?s Take Down with one claw and slashed his opponent?s face with the other. Girafarig was sent flying into the air and was about to crash into some rocks, but it glowed a pale blue and floated down to the ground without injury.

A man who was wearing a brown jacket, and Vigoroth were shocked at the Girafarig?s creative use of its Psychic attack. However, the man saw that something was wrong. Wild Girafarig did not learn Psychic naturally, and the long neck Pokemon did not belong to any Trainer.

?Vigoroth, be careful,? said the man, noticing that his Vigoroth was exhausted.

?Don?t worry,? the Vigoroth huffed. ?I can take this creep??

Vigoroth saw that the Girafarig was galloping toward him at a high speed. He took a few steps forward but did nothing after that. The long neck Pokemon rammed its opponent, who was unusually still. However, both Pokemon were blown back when the Take Down landed. Vigoroth landed on his backside; Girafarig landed on its side.

The Vigoroth?s trainer was surprised by what had just happened, but then he smirked. He figured out that his Vigoroth had used Counter to double the damage done by Take Down. Proud of his Pokemon and feeling that he needed a rest, he got out his Pokeball and aimed it at the Vigoroth. A red beam was fired at the white sloth, sucking him into the ball almost immediately after making contact with him.

The trainer looked at the fallen Girafarig and noticed something strange: a black haze surrounded the Pokemon for a few seconds before it formed into a black feather. As the trainer walked up to it, it emitted an eerie glow.

?Another one?? he said to himself.

***​

Moonlight City was like any other city? if one could ignore the fact that almost the entire city was white. Everything from the ground to the buildings was as bright as its namesake. Mariah and Treecko occasionally rubbed their eyes due to the brightness of the area. Luckily, the citizens were more colorful than the city, although their fancy attire would suggest to Mariah that they were either rich or famous celebrities. It was hard for Mariah to believe that Moonlight City was to Mirror Mariah and Lemonade as what Petalburg City was to Treecko and her.

Mirror Mariah slowly waved her hands in a circular motion before a glow appeared in front of her. The glow formed into her heart-shaped bag. She checked through her main compartment at the top of the heart area and the star-shaped compartment at the front of the bag.

?Oh, no,? Mirror Mariah moaned. ?All I have are a green and a yellow Maxim Berry. Looks like I have to stock up on supplies here.?

?Can?t you just heal your Pokemon yourself?? Lemonade wondered.

?Unfortunately, I?ve lost the majority of my powers,? Mirror Mariah said. ?I still have the Diamond Wand, but with what we could be facing, I don?t think it?ll be enough.?

Mirror Mariah turned her attention to Mariah. She still could not believe that, despite the fact that she did not know much about the Mirror Wand or the world she was currently in, Mariah had managed to defeat the likes of a Magma Magician. It appeared to be dumb luck at first. However, another possibility came to her: could she rely on Mariah to help her find the cause of the recent events?

?Mirror Mariah? Is there something wrong?? Mariah asked, noticing the blank expression of her double?s face.

The Guardian snapped out of her thoughts. ?Oh, nothing? nothing at all.? She laughed embarrassedly. ?Anyway, let?s go to the PokeShop.?

Mariah was about to say something when Mirror Mariah grabbed her arm and ran off with Lemonade close behind. Treecko wondered if Mirror Mariah was always like that and was about to follow the girls and the Raichu when something caught his eye?an orange, rabbit-like Pokemon was sleeping under a windowsill of a fancy-looking apartment. The wood gecko, curious about this Pokemon that he had never seen before, went to it.

The Pokemon?s large ears perked a few times, and its fur appeared to be shiny; it was almost like glass. Its cheeks were the same color as its slowly wagging tail, which was shaped a little like an upside-down diamond. The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing paws that were white at the tip. Treecko wanted to know more about the Pokemon, but he did not want to wake it up. Still, he could not help but just look at the rabbit Pokemon.

?Treecko!? Lemonade called. ?What are you doing over there??

Treecko turned to see that the Raichu had came back for him. ?Well, uh? I was just wondering what this Pokemon ?? The lizard turned and noticed that the rabbit had woken up and left. ?But? it was?? Treecko, wondering how the rabbit had just gone off, had a puzzled look on his face.

?Hey!? Lemonade knocked Treecko off his feet and made him land on the Raichu?s back. ?Let?s go, already! The girls are waiting for us!?

?You don?t always have to give me a piggyback ride,? Treecko said, rather annoyed.

***​

Unlike the other buildings, the PokeShop was not as fancy; it was merely a gray, concrete building with a whitish-blue roof that had a model of a giant Pokeball on it. Mariah and Mirror Mariah had already gone inside by the time Lemonade and Treecko arrived. The two Pokemon went inside and saw Mirror Mariah gathering blue and red bags and a small, pink box while Mariah was looking at the merchandise.

While Mariah recognized the familiar Pokeballs and Repels on the some of the shelves scattered throughout the store, she was surprised that there were no Potions and other healing items. What she did notice was that the shelves on the wall had pink boxes of cupcakes, blue bags of peanuts, and red bags of peppers. On the shelves next to them were clear door refrigerators that had several rows of various flavors of pudding, and on the other side of the store were colorful ribbons.

?What kind of store is this?? a confused Mariah asked.

?It?s a PokeShop,? Mirror Mariah said. ?Trainers usually have to come here when they want to stock up on supplies. Since you?re going to be here for a while, I suggest you do the same.?

Mariah sighed and checked out the shelf in front of her. She saw what appeared to be tiny containers with ?P-UP?, ?S-UP?, and ?D-UP? written on them. Just then, she noticed that there was a price tag stuck on the bottom of the P-UP bottle which read ?POWER UP. 50 MIRRALS? backwards. Unfortunately, Mariah did not have any money? at least, none that would be accepted in Mirror Hoenn. Also, she did not know what these items would do to her or her Pokemon.

?Just wondering,? Mariah asked Lemonade, hoping he would have some answers, ?what?s this ?Power Up? exactly??

Lemonade paused in confusion for a moment. He felt that Mariah, since she appeared to be related to Mirror Mariah, should know what the items do like the back of her hand. Nevertheless, he sighed and looked up at her.

?Power Ups increases a Pokemon?s attack power in battle,? Lemonade said. ?You usually have to give it to your Pokemon before the battle actually starts, and the effects wear off after the battle since the Pokemon uses up more energy than usual. A lot of trainers don?t use them much because of that. That?s basically what I?ve been told from my old Trainer when she gave me some Speed Ups, which do the same thing with a Pokemon?s speed.?

From Lemonade?s description, it was clear to Mariah that the Power Ups, Defense Ups, and Speed Ups were like the X Attack, X Defense, and X Speed items back in her Hoenn. Some of the other items here would have similarities to the ones in her world, but she needed Mirrals to buy them. She went over to Mirror Mariah, who was gathering pudding.

?Uh, Mirror Mariah??? Mariah began with a sheepish laugh. ?I?m just wondering if? I could? uh? would you mind if? well???

?Do you want some Mirrals?? Mirror Mariah asked.

Mariah blushed. ?Yeah??

To the Hoenn Mirror Girl?s surprise, Mirror Mariah handed her a handful of golden hearts, which had the number five written on them, and bronze stars, which had the number one on them. Mariah started to speak, but Mirror Mariah shook her head.

?That?s three hundred Mirrals,? Mirror Mariah said. ?However, if you want more, you have to get them yourself. In any case, I?ve got everything I need. Lemonade and I will be going to Petalburg Mansion. You and your Treecko can meet us there when you?re finished shopping.?

After Mirror Mariah paid for the items at the counter, she left the store with Lemonade following. Mariah took one look at her newly acquired Mirrals for a moment before she started to head to the pudding.

***​

?I?m beginning to wonder about that other you,? Lemonade said to Mirror Mariah. ?I?d thought that she would at least know how Power Ups work. It makes me think that she?s from another world or something.?

Mirror Mariah could not tell Lemonade how right he was about Mariah. Surely, the Raichu would find it rather unbelievable if Mariah, according the Lord Steven?s theory, was from another portion of the Light Universe. A noticeable thing was that Mariah was surprised by her recent powers ever since the battle with the possessed Magma Magician. The Guardian could not get her mind off of how someone like Mariah managed to win and that there was something special about her. Despite that, she could not help but feel some jealously along with concern every time she thought about that.

?We?ll worry about teaching that other Mariah the ropes later,? Mirror Mariah finally said, putting her thoughts aside as she spotted a large, whitish-yellow mansion. ?We?re here.?

Mirror Mariah knocked on the door a few times, but there was no answer. Again, she knocked, but still no response. She was about to leave when Lemonade made the door open by jiggling the handle.

?Lemonade!? Mirror Mariah said in surprise.

?You?re the one who wanted to come here.? Lemonade ran ahead, and Mirror Mariah was not too far behind.

***​

It was not every day that one met a cashier with the ability to condense items into little pearls, but Mariah realized that almost anything could happen in Mirror Hoenn when she saw that the items she bought could be compressed that way at a PokeShop. Also, the pearls and her leftover Mirrals were pulled into the Pokeball on the bow of her shirt in the same fashion a trainer recalls a Pokemon; it was bizarre and unexpected yet convenient.

?I?m starting to wonder whether or not Sailor Moon went through stuff like this,? Mariah said, rubbing her eyes due to the city?s bright white color as she left the PokeShop.

Treecko, on the other hand, had his mind on the rabbit Pokemon he saw earlier. What kind of Pokemon was it? Would it be a helpful ally to him and Mariah? Hopefully, it would not be anything like the hasty and impatient Lemonade.

?Mariah,? Treecko said, ?are there any rabbit Pokemon back in our Hoenn??

Mariah thought about the question for a while. ?Well, there?s Azumarill. I remember seeing some at a Pokemon petting zoo when I was younger. Why??

?Was it small and orange?? Treecko asked. ?Did it also have a weird tail??

?Well, I don?t know about small and orange,? Mariah said. ?It did have a tail with a round, blue ball at the end, though.?

Treecko shook his head. ?It had a yellow, diamond-shaped tail. The ears were shaped like that too. It also had really glossy fur, and--?

?I?m sorry, Treecko,? Mariah said with a shrug. ?I never saw a Pokemon like that before.?

Treecko sighed and decided to drop the subject for the time being. However, Mariah thought about what Treecko just said. Could there be Pokemon that were only found in Mirror Hoenn? If there was, they would surely help Mariah while she was here in this strange world. Pokemon were rather intelligent creatures, after all.

Mariah suddenly stopped when she noticed a man in a brown jacket heading in the direction of a whitish-yellow mansion. He appeared familiar to her, but after it finally came to her, she ran up to him with a surprised Treecko right behind her.

?Excuse me,? Mariah said.

The man turned to Mariah after hearing her. ?Hello. May I help you??

***​

After Mariah and Treecko had met up with Mirror Mariah and Lemonade in the mansion, they explained to the man, who introduced himself as Norman, what had happened.

?I never thought that the Sovereign?s premonition would actually happen,? Norman said after a long pause. ?The fact that there?s another Hoenn under possible affect from what?s been happening doesn?t make things any better.?

?So, do you know what?s going on?? Mirror Mariah asked, wanting to get more details out of the situation.

Norman folded his arms. ?If I remember correctly, everything that has happened involving these strange birds and dark Pokemon is the work of one of the spirits that used to work for the Sovereign. Usually, a spirit has to keep a watchful eye over an area they have been assigned to.? He then lowered his head. ?Unfortunately, there are times where some of the spirits tend to turn their backs on the Sovereign for their own selfish reasons. I?m willing to bet that this particular spirit did so in order to get something, but I have no idea what it is.?

Norman faced Mirror Mariah, who became a little uncomfortable upon his sudden eye contact. ?I?m surprised that you lost against it? and you?re the Guardian of Hoenn,? he said with a bit of scorn. ?I don?t think that the Overlord would approve of that.?

?But?? Mirror Mariah suddenly stopped when she noticed that Norman was still looking at her, knowing that she was in no position to say anything.

?However,? Norman began, ?you managed to do another important job when you found this girl? even if it was a bit late.?

Norman got up and left the room, much to the confusion of the two Mariahs.

***​

Later that night, Mariah lay in bed wide awake. The recent events replayed in her mind before she mentally heard Norman?s words being spoken once more. While she realized that she had some importance to what was happening, it was not easy to accept it.

Mariah sighed and tried to go back to sleep when she heard a noise. Without wasting a second, she hurried to the window and saw a gray flash of light. When it died down, she saw something that she would never expect to see: the dark Torchic. Mariah, seeing that it was back for revenge, hurried to Lemonade who was sleeping at the side of the bed.

?Lemonde!? Mariah shook the Raichu awake but stopped and removed her hand when she felt a prick of static electricity.

?What is it?? Lemonade asked with a yawn.

Mariah headed back to the window. ?Hurry and get Mirror Mariah! The dark Torchic?s back!?

Lemonade, now fully awake, nodded and left the room. Meanwhile, Mariah opened the window. Her wings fluttered fast enough to allow her to float down to where the Torchic was. The gray chick turned around as the Mirror Wand formed in Mariah?s hand.

?Green! Release!? The green gem on the Mirror Wand glowed and shot out a light of the same color. When the light hit the ground, it formed into Mariah?s Treecko.

The Torchic wasted no time attacking by firing its embers at Treecko. However, the Wood Gecko dashed to the side to elude the attack before zooming toward the Torchic. Before the fire chick knew what happened, it was thrown off its feet when Treecko hit it with his thick tail. In spite of this, Torchic quickly got up and fired more embers at Treecko. Again, Treecko dodged, but one of the embers hit him on the side. He moaned in pain as he held his side.

?Treecko, are you okay?? a concerned Mariah asked.

?Aside from almost being fried, I?m fine,? Treecko said.

The Torchic saw an opportunity to attack and ran towards Treecko. When it was less than a foot away from him, it jumped up and, in a kicking motion, scratched Treecko in the face with its talons. The Wood Gecko took a few steps back to catch his breath when he felt a sharp pain on his cheek. Mariah noticed that the Torchic?s Scratch attack have made a slight cut. While Treecko appeared to be on the verge of fainting, Torchic almost looked like it was unscathed.

?Recall Green!? A light shot from the Mirror Wand?s green gem. Once it made contact with Treecko, it transformed him into a green light before pulling him into the Wand. All Mariah could do now was hold the Torchic off before help came.

?You?re pathetic.?

The Torchic focused it energy before releasing it in the form of a stream of fire. However, Mariah aimed the Mirror Wand at the fire and hoped something would happen. Sure enough, when the fire reached her, the Pokeball on the wand opened up and absorbed the flames. Both Mariah and the Torchic were surprised at this, but Mariah was even more surprised when the Mirror Wand?s wings shone with a bright light before they fired energy in the form of a small, star-shaped comet right at the Torchic. To Mariah?s dismay, however, the Torchic avoided the attack by burrowing into the ground. Before Mariah could figure out what would happen, the Torchic appeared from the ground and scratched her in the face with its talons. The surprised Mariah let out a short yelp of pain as the Torchic prepared to move in towards her.

?Oh, no, you don?t!? Lemonade appeared between Mariah and Torchic before his cheeks flared up with electricity.

The Torchic was not very intimidated by Lemonade, but then Mirror Mariah?s Mudkip and a brown sloth Pokemon joined him. Mudkip was taking a deep breath to attack when he was stopped by a flurry of fire-tipped arrows. Everyone was surprised at this sudden assault, but Norman was not too sure if the chick Pokemon was behind this.

?Slakoth, Sunny Day,? Norman said.

The brown sloth closed his eyes and began to exude a faint orange glow that gradually became brighter. The sky changed from a starless night sky to a bright blue as the sun became visible. The sunlight revealed a bat-winged girl with a bow and arrow. Mariah suddenly became surprised when she saw her. Like Mirror Mariah, the girl in the tree resembled her greatly, but she appeared to be a dark side of her. The devil Mariah jumped down from the tree and held out her hand. A black whirlwind appeared briefly before a dark version of the Mirror Wand appeared in its place.

?Crimson Wand, recall Torchic!? The crimson gems on the devil Mariah?s wand started to glow brightly before shooting a dark red beam. Once the beam made contact with the Torchic, it turned into a light that was reeled into the Wand. The shadowy Mariah looked disapprovingly at Mariah and Mirror Mariah.

?This is supposed to be one of the girls the Sovereign chose??

Mirror Mariah got upset at the comment. ?Deviri, I know she isn?t close to my level, but if we give her a chance, I?m sure she?ll??

?Angeri?? Deviri shook her head. ?You, as the Guardian of Hoenn?s Light Universe, should take this situation a lot more seriously than you are now. It was rather disappointing for me to find out that the ones that the Sovereign chose to represent the Shadow Universe no longer exist. I was hoping you would do your share to find the ones that represent the Light Universe? but from what I?ve seen, that has ended in failure as well.?

?You can?t expect me to know everything about my powers as soon as I get them!? Mariah retorted, trying to defend Mirror Mariah.

?Angeri, or ?Mirror Mariah? as you call her, isn?t the best Guardian I?ve ever seen,? Deviri began. ?She tends to let her emotions and na?ve thoughts about everlasting peace come in the way of her business.?

?I don?t know about you,? Angeri said, ?but I?ve been taking care of this since Ever Grande Cathedral was attacked! It?s not like you never had to go through this since you?re the Guardian of Shadow Hoenn!?

Upon hearing what Angeri said, Deviri gritted her teeth and balled her fist for a few moments. Her Crimson Wand vanished in a puff of dark red smoke, and she rose into the air.

?By the way, I heard about the Golden Gateway,? Deviri said. ?If you want to find the shards, I suggest starting in Rustboro Ruins.?

?Well, since you know where the shard is, would you mind helping us?? Angeri asked.

?Sorry,? Deviri said. ?I have some things to take care of.? And with that, Deviri vanished.

It was obvious things would get harder from this point.

End of Chapter 5​
 
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Miyu-chan

.::f l o w e r g i r l::.
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Oooh, very interseting chapter. xD I love the way suspense builds up revolving around the black feathers.

My favorite scene was the one where Mariah and her counterpart were in the PokeShop. xD

"Unfortunately, I've lost the majority of my powers," Mirror Mariah said. "I still have the Diamond Wand, but with what we could be facing, I don't think it'll be enough."

There should be an 'of' there, right? n_n;;;;
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
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Miyu-chan said:
Oooh, very interseting chapter. xD I love the way suspense builds up revolving around the black feathers.

My favorite scene was the one where Mariah and her counterpart were in the PokeShop. xD
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the chapter. I kinda struggled with this one with how it should go, but it's good to hear that I'm still going in the right direction.

As for the PokeShop, well, that won't be the last one... and the stuff there won't be anything less... out of the ordinary either.

Akinari said:
You must've been waiting for this post for a long time... =D

Congrats! Fanfiction of the Month!

*confetti*
Excuse me for a sec...

*restarts the browser, and then the computer, and finally rams her head against her closet door*

Wow... it's real... @_@

doremi.png

*couldn't help but to put the happy Doremi pic again, as she is VERY happy*
 

Negrek

Am I more than you bargained for yet?
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So, I guess this thread wasn't that hard to find after all. ;) Anyway, sorry about how late this review is; I've already done it a couple of times, but this stupid computer keeps eating it. Hopefully, the third time is the charm.

Chapter Five: Clues

Mirror Mariah had not been able to take her eyes off of the black feather ever since it had appeared.

The feather, to their surprise, suddenly transformed in a dark, glittery mist that drifted around Mariah.
Did you mean into instead of in?

I wish Mom was still alive... I wish I could go back to two weeks ago so I could stop that car accident...

She knew that her mother was gone, and nothing--not even her powers--could undo what had happened.

Mirror Mariah, a bit surprised but glad to see that Mariah regained herself, nodded and went ahead with her double close behind.
I don't think that regained herself is the best way to put it; maybe "had returned to herself" instead, or something like that.

Facing in the direction of Moonlight City, she got out a wand with a gray and black Pokeball with bat wings on each of its sides.
This sentence is kinda funny. As is, it actually says that the wand had two pok?balls on it: one on each of its sides (each being gray and black and having bat wings).

The Girafarig, confident that it was on the offensive, charged toward the fallen monkey.
This sentence reads a bit strangely. Girafarig should always be confident that it's on the offensive whenever it goes to attack, because it knows what it's trying to do and should never doubt whether it's going offensive. Maybe something like "confident now that it was on the offensive" or "confident because it was on the offensive" would work better.

However, the man saw that something was wrong; wild Girafarig did not learn Psychic naturally, and the Long Neck Pokemon did not belong to any Trainer.

The Vigoroth?s trainer was surprised by what had just happened, but then he smirked.

Everything from the ground to the buildings was as bright as its namesake color.
Well, moonlight isn't really a color. You'd be fine here if you just cut color off of the end so that the sentence ended with "namesake".

It was hard for Mariah to believe that Moonlight City was to Mirror Mariah and Lemonade what Petalburg City was to her and Treecko.

Mirror Mariah managed to make her heart-shaped bag appear.
I don't know if managed is the word that you want here. It implies that Mirror Mariah was struggling to make her bag appear, and only just was able to get it to show up. Unless you were going for the feeling that she had a hard time getting the bag to appear, then consider rewording this one.

She still could not believe that, despite the fact that she did not know much about the Mirror Wand or the world she was currently in, Mariah had managed to defeat the likes of a Magma Magician.

The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing its paws that were white at the tip.
Remove the its before paws here, so that the sentence reads, "The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing paws that were white at the tip."

Lemonade knocked Treecko up, making him land on his back.
This modifier is a little misplaced. The way that the sentence reads now, Treecko gets knocked over onto his own back, not onto Lemonade's.

What she did notice was that the shelves on the wall had pink boxes of cupcakes, blue bags of peanuts, and red bags of peppers.

You usually have to give it to your Pokemon before the battle actually starts, and the effects wear off after the battle since the Pokemon uses up more energy than usual.

From Lemonade?s description, it was clear to Mariah that the Power Ups, Defense Ups, and Speed Ups were like the X Attacks, X Defense, and X Speed items back in her Hoenn.
Remove the s on X Attacks in order to keep it consistent with the rest of the items in the list; all the others are singular.

A noticeable thing was that Mariah was surprised by her recent powers ever since the battle with the possessed Magma Magician.

It was not every day that a cashier had an ability involving items condensed into little pearls...
This part of the sentence is put together a little strangely. I think that it would flow better if you could find some other way to say it; maybe something like, "It wasn't every day that you met a cashier with the ability to condense items into little pearls..."

If there was, they would surely help Mariah while she was here in this strange world.
That seems like a somewhat odd assumption to make, given Treecko's experiences with Mirror Hoenn pok?mon thus far. Even the normal ones like the rattata have been rather hostile, the only exception being Lemonade, who can get a bit overbearing. I would expect Treecko to be slightly more wary of the new pok?mon.

...you managed to do another important job when you found this girl...

Before the fire chick knew what happened next, it was thrown off its feet when Treecko hit it with his thick tail.
You don't need "next" after "knew what happened."

When it was less than a foot away from him, it jumped up and, in a kicking motion, scratched Treecko in the face with its talons.

Mariah noticed that the Torchic?s Scratch attack had made a slight cut.

While Treecko appeared to be on the verge of fainting, Torchic almost looked like it was unscathed.

Before Mariah could figure out what would happen, the Torchic appeared from the ground and scratched her in the face with its talons.

Mariah suddenly became surprised when she saw her, though.
You don't need "though" at the end of the sentence, unless there's some reason for us to assume that Mariah shouldn't be surprised by the sudden appearance of the bat-winged girl.

...but from what I?ve seen, that has ended in failure as well.

...but I?ve been taking care of this since Ever Grande Cathedral was attacked!

So, anyway, your errors again concern mostly confused tenses and prepositions, although you're doing better with both, which is nice to see. Your characters also came through better this chapter; I especially liked how we got to see a little more of Treecko and Lemonade than previously. Mirror Mariah's mudkip is now really the only one of the pok?mon that remains sort of faceless.

Deviri seems an interesting character, though some of her actions appear contradictory. She doesn't appear to be openly against Angeri and Mariah, and even goes so far as to tip them off that they can find a shard in Rustboro Ruins (assuming that it's not a misleading piece of information). If this is true, however, why has she repeatedly attacked Mariah with her torchic?

Norman also seems slightly off; at least, he seems a bit harsh when interacting with Angeri.

I liked the shopping scene best, I think; it was particularly cute how you had all the writing backwards. That's something I wouldn't have thought of. Some of the healing items seem a little impractical for normal travelling trainers, though; the cupcakes in particular seem like they'd get squashed and/or go stale before they would be put to use.

Overall, I liked this chapter. It showed a nice improvement over the last and had good character and plot development. Oh, and congratulations on Fanfiction of the Month, too.
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
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Negrek said:
So, I guess this thread wasn't that hard to find after all. ;) Anyway, sorry about how late this review is; I've already done it a couple of times, but this stupid computer keeps eating it. Hopefully, the third time is the charm.
No problem.

Negrek said:
As is, it actually says that the wand had two pok?balls on it: one on each of its sides (each being gray and black and having bat wings).
I was trying to imply that the wings were on each side of the Pokeball.
*makes note to draw the wands*

Negrek said:
That seems like a somewhat odd assumption to make, given Treecko's experiences with Mirror Hoenn pok?mon thus far. Even the normal ones like the rattata have been rather hostile, the only exception being Lemonade, who can get a bit overbearing. I would expect Treecko to be slightly more wary of the new pok?mon.
Oh... I was trying to make it seem like that Rattata attacked Mariah out of suspiscion of her. If someone was following you, you'd be pretty suspiscious of that person... or at least, that's how I see it.
Thankfully, there would be Pokemon that would be a bit more opening to her.

Negrek said:
So, anyway, your errors again concern mostly confused tenses and prepositions, although you're doing better with both, which is nice to see.
To be honest, they were kinda hard to catch (even when I proofread it!).

Negrek said:
Your characters also came through better this chapter; I especially liked how we got to see a little more of Treecko and Lemonade than previously. Mirror Mariah's mudkip is now really the only one of the pok?mon that remains sort of faceless.
Well, two out of three isn't too bad.

Negrek said:
Deviri seems an interesting character, though some of her actions appear contradictory. She doesn't appear to be openly against Angeri and Mariah, and even goes so far as to tip them off that they can find a shard in Rustboro Ruins (assuming that it's not a misleading piece of information). If this is true, however, why has she repeatedly attacked Mariah with her torchic?
Kinda of a long story, but I try to keep it short and sweet.
[SPOIL="The reason the Torchic attacked Mariah was because..."]Shadow Wing (the main villian) possessed Deviri's Torchic, but it ended up being partial. The times she attacked Mariah was when Shadow Wing got his control over the Torchic back. Even if Shadow Wing gets defeated, there will be some times where Deviri's Torchic goes insane.[/SPOIL]

Negrek said:
Norman also seems slightly off; at least, he seems a bit harsh when interacting with Angeri.
Well, that's mainly because he sees Angeri as a bit incompetent for being a Guardian, but that changes overtime.

Negrek said:
I liked the shopping scene best, I think; it was particularly cute how you had all the writing backwards. That's something I wouldn't have thought of. Some of the healing items seem a little impractical for normal travelling trainers, though; the cupcakes in particular seem like they'd get squashed and/or go stale before they would be put to use.
The shopping scene seems to be pretty popular.
As for the food (especially the cupcakes), I never really considered stuff like that. I'm not sure about getting squashed, but food going stale/spoiling would be a good drawback to bring up in the story.

Negrek said:
Overall, I liked this chapter. It showed a nice improvement over the last and had good character and plot development. Oh, and congratulations on Fanfiction of the Month, too.
Thanks, thanks, and thanks to the fifth power. =3
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
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MARIAH'S POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAH'S ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks as well as having other unique abilities)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAH'S POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAH'S ITEMS: Diamond Wand (an advanced version of the Mirror Wand)

CHAPTER 6: The Upcoming Disaster?
A faint white glow enveloped Mudkip, and he propelled himself toward Mariah's Treecko in a fierce roll. Treecko flung himself to the side, however, and the ice ball failed to hit its target. Agilely, Mudkip turned his assault around and headed back in Treeko's direction. The Treecko chose not to panic, however, and his yellow eyes shifted toward his trainer for further instruction.

"Pound attack!" Mariah commanded.

Treecko immediately spun around. With one hit of his thick tail, he forced Mudkip to suddenly uncurl himself. Mudkip fell on his back and struggled to get up.

"Mudkip, try to use Ice Ball again!" Angeri shouted desperately.

Mudkip managed to curl himself up into a glowing ball again and headed straight for Treecko. The wood gecko scoffed slightly and jumped again to dodge, but Mudkip turned in the direction that Treecko landed and rolled right into him. Treecko, feeling a chill after landing on the ground, had underestimated his opponent a bit.

"Watch out!" Mariah cried, seeing that Mudkip was getting close to the shivering Treecko.

After a quick glance at his opponent, Treecko mustered his strength and dove out of the way. The Water-type suddenly uncurled himself, surprised that his foe was still able to continue fighting.

"Absorb, Treecko!" Mariah commanded, hoping it would clinch the match for her.

Treecko nodded, and took a step forward. He opened his mouth wide, allowing for a large green sphere to form in it. Mudkip looked on, curious and unsure of what exactly he should do. Suddenly, Treecko took a large breath through the sphere and Mudkip felt a sudden shot of pain. Angeri was starting to worry about Mudkip as she saw Treecko radiating the bright green color of the orb. Just then, she thought of a surefire way to regain control of the battle.

"Stop it with your Mud Slap!" she yelled.

Mudkip slowly got up and made his way toward Treecko. Then, he turned around and used his back legs to hurl mud into Treecko's face. The lizard cried out and tried to shake the mud off of his face. Mariah became tense, seeing that the battle was now in Angeri's favor. Before the Hoenn Mirror Girl could tell her Pokemon to do anything else, Mudkip curled up into a glowing ball once again and rammed into Treecko. The wood gecko soared through the air, and Mariah caught him in her arms.

"I lost…" Mariah made the Mirror Wand appear in a flash of rainbow light and pointed it at Treecko. A green light shot out from the matching colored gem and transformed her Pokemon into emerald energy upon its contact before sucking it back into the Wand.

"Don't feel so bad," Angeri said as she recalled her Mudkip in a similar fashion with her Diamond Wand. Her wand then vanished in a puff of smoke.

Lemonade, who was watching the battle, jumped out of the tree and walked over to Mariah. "At least you made me feel less bored," he said, trying to make Mariah feel better.

Mariah sighed. "Thanks… I think."

An owl Pokemon with red and gold feathers landed next to Lemonade upon seeing him.

"Never thought I'd see you again," the owl said to him. "I could tell you haven't changed much, and that comment of yours proved me right."

"Well, that battle wasn't anything that special, but it's the best that I could expect from a couple of beginners," Lemonade said as he put his arms behind his head.

The owl noticed Mariah, who had never seen such a colorful Pokemon before. She was introducing herself, but the owl was constantly looking back and forth between Mariah and Angeri.

"Uh… Cinnamon?" Lemonade poked the confused Noctowl to snap her out of her surprise. "You okay?"

Cinnamon suddenly pointed her wing at puzzled Mariah. "It MUST be her! I know it! There's no denying it! We just have to find the other five now!"

"The other five what?" Mariah asked.

Cinnamon took a few steps back.

"Forgive me," she said, slightly bowing. "My name is Cinnamon, and I'm one of the previous Guardian's Pokemon. I was with Lemonade… who can get on some nerves."

"Compared to you, Raspberry's my loving girlfriend," Lemonade muttered under his breath.

"Anyway," Cinnamon continued, "I'm sorry I've got excited like that. It's just that I was expecting you to come earlier… as well as having the other five chosen ones with you."

"It's said that a while after Hoenn was restored, the Sovereign chose six people in addition to the Elders and Masters to keep it from ever being attacked again," Angeri said. "Or at least… that's what I've been told." She then turned away from the group. "I'm guessing the same was for Deviri as well, but something must've happened…"

Angeri thought about Deviri's words:

You, as the Guardian of Hoenn's Light Universe, should take this situation a lot more seriously than you are now. It was rather disappointing for me to find out that the ones that the Sovereign chose to represent the Shadow Universe no longer exist. I was hoping you would do your share to find the ones that represent the Light Universe… but from what I've seen, that has ended in failure as well.

What had happened to the chosen ones who represented the Shadow Universe? It made no sense to Angeri at all.

"Anyway, what are you here for?" Cinnamon asked.

Angeri explained everything to Cinnamon. From the battle with the possessed Zigzagoon and Poochyena to the recent appearance of Deviri and her dark Torchic, the Noctowl felt that the worst had yet to come.

"Did you see anything weird at all?" Lemonade asked.

Cinnamon thought for a moment. "Well, come to think of it… there was this weird light heading toward Radish City last night."

"Radish City?" Angeri said. "That's where the Rustboro Ruins are!"

"You guys go ahead," Lemonade told Mariah, Angeri and Cinnamon. "I'll check out Petalburg Thicket and let them know about this."

Angeri nodded. She held out her hand, and her Diamond Wand appeared in a flash of sparkling light. "I just hope I have enough power to at least get us to the other side of Rainbow Route 4."

As Lemonade headed off, the Guardian held out her wand, and it slowly floated into the air. After a swift flash of light, a mirror that looked like a smaller and pale blue version of the Golden Gateway appeared. It slowly landed in front her.

Angeri went into the mirror, and then Mariah (after a moment of shock). After Cinnamon flew into the mirror, it vanished in a flash of light.

***​

The tall trees of Petalburg Thicket blocked out some of the sky, yet their leaves had several blends of colors. Some of the vines that wrapped around the trees and stumps were the regular color of green, but others were black with thorns that were colored a greenish-yellow at the tip. Lemonade headed to one of the trees and looked up to see a sleeping pink Pokemon with leaves on her head.

"Angelcake!" Lemonade called to the Pokemon. "Get down here! I wanna ask you something!"

The Hoppip yawned and looked down at Lemonade. "What is it?"

"Did you see any black birds around here?" the Raichu asked.

The pink cottonweed drifted down and landed on Lemonade's head. "No. Why'd you ask?"

"Get everyone here," Lemonade said to the Hoppip. "I want to make sure everyone knows about this."

Complying, Angelcake the Hoppip floated over to a small ledge and let out a whistle. Within a few seconds, a bunch of Taillow, Wurmple, Slakoth, Poochyena, Zigzagoon, Shroomish, and all of their evolved forms gathered to where Lemonade was.

"Okay, Lemonade," Angelcake said. "Everyone's here."

Lemonade stepped up, looked at the Pokemon, and explained everything from the fake Dustox to the encounter of Deviri to them. The crowd occasionally talked amongst themselves about the situation, but it was not until Lemonade brought up Cinnamon seeing the light that he really caught the Pokemon's attention. To some, the dark birds and the light were linked. To others, they were just separate omens that were prophesizing a catastrophe for Hoenn. Whatever the case, the Pokemon could not help but worry.

A butterfly Pokemon, however, felt that there was some light in the currently spreading darkness. In an attempt to raise to raise everyone's now worried spirits, she stood next to Lemonade.

"Lemonade did say that the new Guardian is doing something about this, right?" she said.

Angelcake sighed at the vain attempt. "Sugar, I appreciate you trying to lighten things up like you usually do, but I'm getting the feeling that the last Guardian passed down his position a bit too early. No offense, but I don't think I'll be buying that 'light at the end of the tunnel' attitude of yours this time after hearing what Lemonade told us."

"One of the chosen ones is found," the Butterfree named Sugar said, trying to reassure the Hoppip.

"Yeah…" Angelcake said, a bit irritated. "But there are five more left out there!"

"There's something else we need to worry about," a Swellow said. "Lemonade said that the girl with the Treecko started crying when some dust surrounded her and said something about her mother and a car accident. If whoever's behind this can break down one of the chosen ones like that, I don't think that things will be looking bright."

Sugar moaned. Despite her usual good spirits, there was nothing that could change what was happening. The Butterfree looked at Lemonade, hoping that he would have some, if not all, of the answers.

"I still don't understand why Deviri would come to this part of the Light Universe," a Shroomish said. "She'd normally care less about what happens here as long as it doesn't involve her world."

"It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, Shiitake," Lemonade said.

"Unless…" Shiitake the Shroomish turned away from Lemonade and the Pokemon and started to mumble. "A chain reaction between the Light and Shadow Universes will throw them both off balance and destroy them. In order for that to happen, someone has to destroy the source of Hoenn… which is the Golden Gateway. With the things Lemonade told us… If my theory about that light and Radish Ruins is true, then…"

***​

In a far away temple, a bright shine caught the eye of a brown rhino-like Pokemon. He could not make out what it was, but upon closer inspection, it appeared to be something gold and pointed.

"It's probably just some piece of junk," the Rhyhorn mumbled to himself.

Finally, he dug up a small piece of glass that appeared to be a crooked diamond of some sort. For a few seconds, he was silent, but then something came to his mind.

"What would something like this be doing here? Maybe Roxanne--"

The Rhyhorn's pondering was interrupted when an eerie, black glow surrounded the shard. Out of panic, he dropped the piece of glass, but instead of falling to the ground, it shot up into the air until it attached itself the ceiling. Bolts of dark lightning combined with a swirling wind were emanating from the shard, and black birds suddenly appeared and attacked the spiked Pokemon.

"Fudge! Get out of the way!"

The Rhyhorn turned around to see a girl with brown hair in slightly messy pigtails and dark skin. Seeing that she would take care of the situation at hand, Fudge knocked the birds back with his horn before finally getting out of the way.

The girl jumped into the air. With her foot out, she spun around as a red glow spread from her foot to the top of her leg.

"Magma Flare!"

The red glow shot quickly from her leg and became a shockwave that knocked some of the birds out of the air.

"Nice going, Connie!" Fudge said with a smile.

Connie landed beside the Rhyhorn. "Thanks. I'm sure it'll keep them down."

Still, it was too early to celebrate. There were still many birds to fight, and only a girl and a shiny Rhyhorn stood in their way…

End of Chapter 6​
 
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