Well, it's only been about a week. Let's see how this is coming along, shall we?
Chapter Four: Ambush
- I'm just wondering why you went and skipped so much of the aftermath of the shattering of the mirror and then went back and recapped it all anyway. Also, there's a lot of indirect dialogue here, where I think it would be more effective to have the characters actually speaking. It makes sense for the passage where the past is being discussed, but when it's someone talking right then it seems like you may as well stick it in quotes.
- Childlike is one word.
- Rattata can't learn fury swipes. 0_o
- Tissues aren't made out of cloth. Specifically, a tissue is either an absorbent sheet of paper, a thin, nearly translucent kind of paper used for packing, wrapping, or protecting valuable articles, or a gauzy fabric. Gauze isn't the best thing to make a hankerchief out of, so I'd suggest looking for a different word to go here.
- Wha-at? The birds didn't have a type that was weak to electricity? Weren't they flying-types?
- In terms of game canon, slam does not cause recoil damage.
- I'm getting tired of stiking in "had" all over the place, so from now on I'm going to leave that up to you. I'll explain why they need to go in in some places, and where. It has to do with tenses, specifically, variations of the past tense. Unfortunately, I can't find my book that explains this very well at the moment, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to hold off on an explanation for now, as I'll be helpless without it.
- This is another one of those cases where you are moving things waaaay too slowly. I thought dustox was gone and done for, but no, there was all of that talking and speculating just while it was recovering? No way. Battles are very intense; things happen in split seconds, and there's no time for chatting in between attack rounds.
All right, that brings us to the end. Overall, I liked this chapter. I think that you did a little better job handling your characters here and that you have made some improvement in that respect. Your weakest point in this chapter was repeated grammar problems. I've already mentioned the one with tenses, which I'm sorry I'm not able to fully deal with tonight, but there's also a big issue with prepositions in this chapter.
You're using the wrong prepositions all over the place. I've been seeing this a lot lately, and it puzzles me. Prepositions are just the words that deal with relationships between things in your sentences, and how can you not know how things relate to one another in your own writing? Anyway, I'm afraid that there's not much advice that I can offer help with here. Just try to think really hard about directions and relationships. Is something on something or with something? Is it going to somewhere or coming from somewhere else? I guess it's a sense that you develop with practice, but it's really something to strive for.
Overall, I think you're really improving with this piece. Keep up the good work.
Chapter Four: Ambush
I think you mean want instead of wanted here. I mean, Mariah still wants to go back home, doesn't she?I just wanted to get out of here and back to my Hoenn.
Because to return means to go or come back, to say "return back" is redundant. Just return to, please.Mariah sighed, feeling that she would never return back to her world.
What does it matter if Mirror World is a parallel of Hoenn here? If Mariah had been in "normal" Hoenn and this had happened, she'd be just as clueless as to where exactly all of the shards had gone, wouldn't she?She remembered that some of the shards flew out of the shrine, and there was no way for her to find them all since she barely knew if Mirror Hoenn really was a parallel world.
...that it was probably because the Mirror Wand needed another...
- I'm just wondering why you went and skipped so much of the aftermath of the shattering of the mirror and then went back and recapped it all anyway. Also, there's a lot of indirect dialogue here, where I think it would be more effective to have the characters actually speaking. It makes sense for the passage where the past is being discussed, but when it's someone talking right then it seems like you may as well stick it in quotes.
Normally you don't scurry around something for something else. What I mean is that you need another word after area, perhaps looking.Mirror Mariah noticed that Mariah was instead attentive to a small purple rat Pokemon scurrying around the grassy area for food.
- Childlike is one word.
The "off...off" repetition is a bit annoying here.?If I see you following me like that again, I?ll chomp your wings off!? He scampered off.
Mirror Mariah, embarrassed about what had just happened, got out an indigo handkerchief and clipped the crystal Pokeball off of her necklace.
Mirror Mariah said, holding the handkerchief by one of the corners,
- Rattata can't learn fury swipes. 0_o
- Tissues aren't made out of cloth. Specifically, a tissue is either an absorbent sheet of paper, a thin, nearly translucent kind of paper used for packing, wrapping, or protecting valuable articles, or a gauzy fabric. Gauze isn't the best thing to make a hankerchief out of, so I'd suggest looking for a different word to go here.
You've been having issues with prepositions, here. In this sentence, "her new name by Mariah" doesn't make much sense. Her new name from Mariah is more correct but doesn't sound much better. I'd suggest rewording the sentence so as to be able to put that last phrase somewhere where you can get a better preposition for it.Mirror Mariah mumbled to herself that it would still take her a while to get used to her new name by Mariah.
No comma after pause.After a short pause, Mariah called her, and Mirror Mariah laughed embarrassedly.
The preposition her is used for two different people in the same sentence, which makes it very confusing. This is the problem with having a similar name for both of your main characters.She rarely had that question asked of her, but she thought about it and turned to her.
and that was how she had gotten Treecko.
The Pokemon slowly woke up and wondered what it was that had made him come out of his slumber.
There shouldn't be a comma between pointy and brown. Also, it's a bit weird to have him look behind himself in order to see something up above.He suddenly heard a cawing noise with his pointy, brown ears, and he turned behind him to see a small black bird perched on a branch above him.
...its sheer power made the birds fall to the ground, unable to continue fighting.
Once the Raichu got up, however, he felt that something was wrong--he had won too easily.
- Wha-at? The birds didn't have a type that was weak to electricity? Weren't they flying-types?
Wow, something's wrong with this sentence. I understand the first part, but the second part is in a completely different tense. Also, did Mariah really contemplate weird dark birds back in "real" Hoenn all that often? The way this sentence is worded makes it sound as though Mariah is seeing these simliar traits in Mirror Mariah as things she herself does often, but she's only been in the Mirror World for a little bit. You can't really call anything that she's done here "regularly" due to the short duration of her stay thus far.Like Mariah, Mirror Mariah struggled with trying to figure out why Pokemon acted strangely and why do strange dark birds often appear.
Both of them had gone/had been through a lot, and now there were in the middle of something that could tear apart both of their worlds.
A bush that he had just passed by suddenly rustled. The Raichu stopped and turned to see something zooming toward his arm and clamping onto it.
Increase, not increased. You're still having trouble with tenses; I'll talk about that at the end.The mouse watched the mist gradually increased in size until it vanished.
Suddenly, his head began to hurt, and he shut his eyes, hoping that everything would be back to normal.
The Confusion attack had left him in a rather groggy condition, but he mustered up as much energy as he could to run and jump toward the Dustox.
- In terms of game canon, slam does not cause recoil damage.
The Dustox was engulfed by a bright light that faded away once the Raichu executed his Slam attack. It rose into the air without a single scratch on its body...
The word you are going for there is not despite. Despite means in defiance of, which makes no sense in this context. Perhaps in addition to would work better here?Despite one of the birds being able to transform into a Dustox, the Raichu knew something was not right since when he fought the other birds.
He wondered how another girl could look like Mirror Mariah when Mariah, seeing his surprised expression, slowly stepped up and nervously held out her hand.
He thought that she might be referring to the Guardian because of the resemblance.
In reality and really mean the same thing, so this is redundant.In reality, it really did not matter whether or not Mariah returned back to her world.
- I'm getting tired of stiking in "had" all over the place, so from now on I'm going to leave that up to you. I'll explain why they need to go in in some places, and where. It has to do with tenses, specifically, variations of the past tense. Unfortunately, I can't find my book that explains this very well at the moment, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to hold off on an explanation for now, as I'll be helpless without it.
When you have hyphenated phrases in a series like this you need to hyphenate all of the words....into a powerful Bug- and Poison-type Pokemon wore...
- This is another one of those cases where you are moving things waaaay too slowly. I thought dustox was gone and done for, but no, there was all of that talking and speculating just while it was recovering? No way. Battles are very intense; things happen in split seconds, and there's no time for chatting in between attack rounds.
Suddenly, the trees and bushes swirled and flashed with vivid lights.
You?d better be careful, seeing as you?re a Grass-type.
...she looked at her Treecko...
...black feather that fluttered toward the ground.
?It?s? just like the one I found earlier this morning??
All right, that brings us to the end. Overall, I liked this chapter. I think that you did a little better job handling your characters here and that you have made some improvement in that respect. Your weakest point in this chapter was repeated grammar problems. I've already mentioned the one with tenses, which I'm sorry I'm not able to fully deal with tonight, but there's also a big issue with prepositions in this chapter.
You're using the wrong prepositions all over the place. I've been seeing this a lot lately, and it puzzles me. Prepositions are just the words that deal with relationships between things in your sentences, and how can you not know how things relate to one another in your own writing? Anyway, I'm afraid that there's not much advice that I can offer help with here. Just try to think really hard about directions and relationships. Is something on something or with something? Is it going to somewhere or coming from somewhere else? I guess it's a sense that you develop with practice, but it's really something to strive for.
Overall, I think you're really improving with this piece. Keep up the good work.