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Lost Umbreon

Haunter

13
Posts
18
Years
  • Seen Apr 30, 2005
A micheivious band of Umbreon Bandits ran across the plains. Shadow the leader, wore a starry ble bandana around his head. Behing him two other Umbreon ran. In the back a baby Umbreon sat on one of the other Umbreons. In his mouth , he held a stick. They ran to a cave, and nested inside it. The baby dropped th stick. On the end hanged a bag of food.

The leader smelt the food. Then he snatched it away. The others looked at him nervously. He glared into each of their eyes and used his powerful Screech. The others lost kepp of their feet from the piercing sound and fell to the ground. Except for one, the baby. THe baby looked at his older brother run with the food. The leader stopped and noticed the baby had not fallen. The baby looked into his brothers eyes. The brother stared back.
 
Last edited:

Kurosaki

Guest
0
Posts
Okay... Is this supposed to be an RP, or a story? Oo
If its an RP, it needs a plot description, and sign-up form so other members can join. Or was it meant to be a story? Cause they go in the fics section ^^;;
 

Kurosaki

Guest
0
Posts
Haunter, that was quite rude as well, and she wasn't even being rude. She was just stating the rules to you. I'll moce this to the fic section then. *Moves*
 

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
3,329
Posts
19
Years
Maybe Haunter didn't know. ^^?

What Nightingale wanted to do was merely hand you a piece of useful advice. She was being polite about it, and rudeness is a class by itself, so it's unfair to call her rude when she was only trying to help.

First, try working on the length. You have a bright idea here, but the pace was rushed and hastily put together, thus, the shortness. Editing/revising also helps. Grammatical errors were present, as were spelling mistakes that could easily be pinpointed out. Sentence structured could have been combined together to (hopefully) show more coherence. *_*

Overall...if you had just put enough effort into it, it would've turned out better. =)
 
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