[Pokémon] The Checkers Story

Note:This not my first fanfic. It is my second Pokemon fanfic. I would like some nice, short criticism. I am very sensitive. Enjoy!

I'm Checkers. I am an albino Umbreon with color changing rings. I came here from the Hoenn region. My mother and father had died in a terrible forest fire caused by a Pokemon battle gone a rye. I had managed to escape. I was alone for weeks. Then, one day when I was going to grab a berry from a nearby tree, I fell. And I never hit the ground! I landed on a trainer's head, in the middle of a city! Everyone saw it. A strange Pokemon appears out of nowhere and hits a trainer. You could imagine what happens next. The trainer and her Snivy jumped up. "Snivy! Use Leaf Tornado!" the trainer shouted. The Snivy started to spin. Leaves appeared around his body. Suddenly he threw all the leaves at me. They hit like daggers. Cutting my body. I was mad. I opened my mouth and a white ball formulated. It grew bigger and bigger. Then I screamed. The ball flew at the Snivy, knocking him out cold. White Shadow Ball, the strongest move I know. "Snivy! No!" the trainer said. She sent out another. "I'll catch you. No matter what it takes!" Now I was worried. I had to protect myself. I would be like that Snivy. Forced to live in a retched ball for the rest of my life. No. I had to stay free. "Go Mienshao! Use Drain Punch!" I dodged just in time. I used White Shadow Ball again. A Muna, Sandile, Joltik, and Emolga followed. I defeated each one easily. The trainer ran off to the Pokemon Center. She carelessly dropped five berries. I grabbed them and ran off. I was being pursued by trainers who want to catch me. I leaped into a hole. I landed in stank water. "The sewer. I'll hide here." I said. I stayed there.
I am now a mother of one and have a lovely husband. He is a Nucleon (the poison type eevee-loution). I still long to go home. But I know that I never will. THE END

Try using longer sentences when you're not describing an action scene. Frequent punctuation suggests a rush, a panic, whereas longer sentences have a soothing effect. You've used short sentences throughout, and so there's no contrast of atmosphere to give the reader the feelings of excitement when the action is happening, although your use of dialogue is good. If you are going to go for one big action scene with lots of short sentences, then I suggest working with the present tense and cutting out the background and the future - leaving something for the reader's imagination is a great way to get them interested.

Neat story though. I would like to read about your concept of a Pokemon marriage, as well as a poison type Eeveelution.

Yellow Silver Nostalgia said:

Try using longer sentences when you're not describing an action scene. Frequent punctuation suggests a rush, a panic, whereas longer sentences have a soothing effect. You've used short sentences throughout, and so there's no contrast of atmosphere to give the reader the feelings of excitement when the action is happening, although your use of dialogue is good. If you are going to go for one big action scene with lots of short sentences, then I suggest working with the present tense and cutting out the background and the future - leaving something for the reader's imagination is a great way to get them interested.

Neat story though. I would like to read about your concept of a Pokemon marriage, as well as a poison type Eeveelution.

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Thank you! I will keep that in mind while writing my book. I love to write. I will get the Nucleon story out asap. I love this story it's really good. Thank you!